...........AFL2005 Is Now Underway......Check Tallyroom site each week..!!!

"This AFL2005 tipping business is a cruel and shallow money trench
a long protracted season where pimps, anglicans and newsagents run free
where tipsters fall like matchsticks in a gale and anxiety bites at you each week
where misplaced wildcards drive you to beat the wife and throttle the kids
where hopes of winning are chiselled away like a death by a thousand lashes."
Partner

( Hey Partner........There is also a negative side..!!..... JLP )

Another round where Tipsters made it tough for themselves....experienced Tipsters....
...long term Tipsters like Cocomum, ShareBare and Fast Forward.....A moments thought would have indicated to ShareBare that using six wildcards in one round was a bad idea…but, for ShareBare, a moment is a long time and thought is difficult.

Next Week..Ozipom returns from England...no doubt with extended job lists for JLP.
That will mean that everything AFL will be late..!!
(Those of you that are married will understand.!!)

Next Week........

As a gesture of deep respect to the worlds last Popemobile rider, who has recently joined the ranks of the DoDo, JLP has decided to spend the next week perusing the Gideons I nicked on my last holiday to see what all the fuss is about..,, Should there be any points which require clarification JLP will look to BlueVicar to respond.

Meantime, if Tipsters have any queries of God.......…(why am I not rich, Oh Lord.??)… ......or about God…(Is she black.??)…you are encouraged to ask JLP who, after tomorrow evening when I have finished reading Gods Biography, will be able to provide you with an authoritative response.

....Thanks VietKwan for Joining AFL2005, We are enriched by your entry fee.
.....Kane Tode advises that marraige is like being in prison...but with fewer screws.
.....AFL2005 prizemoney link to be updated later this week.
.....Even though FibberMcGee was an only child he was never his mums favourite.

.....HollywoodHunk has just returned from Melbourne......(JLP thinks it is the only thing to do if you find yourself there.!)

Round..8
This Week.....Too late in the week to do anything....so....still nothing from JLP.
Thanks to RooBoy...all GallupPoll responses are now posted.
The WotuSay link has also been updated.

Next Week....The Tallyroom supply of caffiene tablets will have arrived so, being assurred my supply, JLP won't stir the pot.
JLP may...or may not....do an expose on Lumbermack.
Lumbermack is a great debater. He argues very well. .....Ask any of his remaining friends. .....Lumbermack can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. .....People know this, and steer clear of him at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite Lumbermack.

Round..12
Next week is the start of round.13....which is the traditional AFL split round....

SirGee......and others.....note well .....
.....AFL2005 rules are such that your tips for ALL matches in the split round (round.13) MUST be lodged before 6:oo PM this Friday ...(June.17).
(There is a perfectly good explanation for this..........which JLP will make up later.!!)

Next footie report will be before round.14
Before then.... Stallion.....in response to your e-mail....the only difference between Italians and toast is that you can make soldiers out of toast.

Sunday..17.July...Round..16......(almost over)...
Thank you for all your e-mails advising JLP that I am lazy and inconsiderate......as a consequence next footie report....and details of our next GallupPoll...before Tuesday.

As well as asking for a footie update some Tipsters have asked JLP what it takes to be a footie report writer. ....A tricky question..!! ...

To be a footie report writer JLP considers it vital to know absolutely nothing on a wide and varied list of subjects…. .......this is how I maintain my objectivity.

Watch this space....by Tuesday JLP will present a footie report that should not be tossed aside lightly…rather, one that should be thrown with considerable force.

GallupPoll Due This Week..!!!!
.....don't blow your chance for three much needed points..!!!

Some GallupPoll responses have been posted on the GallupPoll page.

Tipcomp leader SnapShoota, currently exhibiting the emotional development of a litter of chihuahuas, would not be a good winner. .........Do not let him win..!!!!

Send in your GallupPoll responses...because you need the points to catch him.

AFL2006..Tallyroom.01..Mar.10…Pre Season

Gossip Column….The End Of Season Party.

Tallyroom personnel, specifically Multivac, are working round the clock to get the AFL2006 website up and running before the onset of season 2006. ......Due primarily to the vagaries of the internet, and the retarded and backward ISP’s that allow us access to it, the whole AFL2006 thing is a nightmare for the back room boys here in the Tallyroom…..those of us at the coalface of AFL2006.

Therefore instead of dealing with the housekeeping of AFL2006, which at this time of the year is so necessary for those many Tipsters with an attention span which does not permit you to make the transition from Tipcomp to Tipcomp without having your hands held by those of us that are wise and learned, JLP will start AFL2006 with a few words about the AFL2005/2006 party which you all attended.

As all Tipsters are aware, over the off season Hardyakka, a man who likes to throw things, like parties, did just that. Hardyakka threw an AFL2005/2006 party. All Tipsters were invited……..it was a huge turnout.

TeaSea fronted up. ......During the course of the evening TeaSea invited many Tipsters to have a quiet drink with him, understandably to no avail. ......It is hard to imagine a thirst strong enough to drive anyone into having a drink with TeaSea.

ChessPest flew in from South Efrica. .....To those that could not successfully avoid him ChessPest was all too keen to corner us and tell us of his experience back at the local zoo. .....Apparently a South Efrican zoo lost its male Gorilla. ......The girl gorilla, BigBertha, was desolate. ......To find a companion for the broken hearted BigBerta the zoo put an ad in the local paper, asking for a stocky hairy backed Efricaaner to befriend the lonesome primate. ......A generous payment of R500.oo was quoted in the ad. ......Having an abnormal sex drive, and limited cerebral capacity, ChessPest responded to the ad and went to meet with BigBertha and her keeper. ......Not renowned for being fussy ChessPest, within minutes of seeing BigBertha, volunteered for the position. ......In his defence however it should be said that ChessPest did place three proviso’s on the impending relationship. ......First, said ChessPest,….”no kissing.” ......Secondly, said ChessPest,….”any children must be raised as Dutch Reform Anglicans. ......”And thirdly," said ChessPest, “I’m a bit strapped for cash at the moment so it might take me a few months to get the R500.oo to you.”

Fibber McGee, after drinking his own weight in beer, confided to all who would listen that he dreams of winning AFL2006 to give him his ticket to fame fortune and a spectacular social plateau.

WetandWild was there. .......WetandWild was hard to miss.
WetandWild was wearing a neckline that had plunged so far that, in the opinion of KrustyRoll, it placed unreasonable expectations on the rest of the sheilas in the Tipcomp business.

Net Stalker, whose knowledge of footie is mainly drawn from re-runs of VB ads in the cricket season, was whooping it up as everyone around him was having a great time drinking beer, eating prawns, eating oysters, barbecuing, dancing and drinking more beer.

At the height of the party, Hardyakka shouted out, "I have a ten foot man eating crocodile in my pool and JLP will give free entry into AFL2006 to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of Hardyakka’s mouth when there was a loud splash. ......Everyone looked towards the pool.

AFL2005 winner SnapShoota was in the pool..!!! ......SnapShoota was in a dogfight with the croc. SnapShoota was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches and doing all kinds of homeboy stuff like head butts and chokeholds. ......At one stage SnapShoota bit the croc on the tail and flipped it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. ...The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both SnapShoota and the croc were screaming and raising hell…..but SnapShoota was definitely on top.

Finally SnapShoota strangled the croc and let it float to the top of the pool like an aquarium goldfish. SnapShoota then slowly climbed out of the pool. ......Everybody gaped at SnapShoota in disbelief.

In the ensuing commotion JLP shouted out that Hardyakka had lied and free AFL2006 entry was not on offer. SnapShoota, panting, said “I don’t care….all I want is the name of the Tipster who pushed me in the pool.”

Everyone kept partying hard. ......Suspiciously Lumbermack, voted the Tipster the Tallyroom would most like to see emigrate, was being cheered and slapped on the back by those around him.

All in all it was a noisy party, made worse by the undertones of confident Tipsters bragging about how they intended to win AFL2006. .....Nauseating stuff.............As if anyone has a hope of beating JLP this year.

As JLP strolled home from the party JLP could not help but reflect on the goings on on the planet Carlingwood, so named for its soothing ability to bring together those that loathe each other. ......Carlingwood exists so far away that it resides in another universe. ......On Carlingwood lives an omnivorous creature called a smug whose gossamer fur is used in the making of the most exquisite garments. ......Garments which are used exclusively by the most privileged in Carlingwood society, probably aristocrats and theologians. ......The infant of the omnivorous smug has a fur even more delicate than that of its elders. ......The fur of the young smug has a texture that is so warm and downy it is enchanting to touch. ......It is a fur so soothing to the innermost soul that even the Gods yearn to stroke it. ......To caress the fur of a young smug is to experience Nirvana.

JLP......feeling a little smug......smiled contentedly on the stroll home.
JLP

AFL2006..Tallyroom.02..Apr.05…Round.1

AFL2006 Housekeeping

Finally thanks to Gods tried and true formula for making miracles, facing Mecca, beating your head against a brick wall and praying alot, the AFL2006 tipping site is actually working. ......Mind you Tallyroom personnel are not confident about the longevity of the website. .......We are a bit cramped for room here at Tallyroom headquarters. ......We have had to move the server out to the backyard dunny, where it conveniently serves to prop up an alarming lean which has recently developed on the family septic.
The fragility of the server in its aromatic environment will not serve as an excuse for late tipping.
Note carefully…. .......This is non negotiable…!!! ......If you have any problems tipping through the year your only option is to send the Tallyroom an e-mail….which must arrive before tipping cut-off time.......As long term Tipsters will know Tallyroom personnel have a very no-nonsense attitude towards getting your tips in on time.

AFL2006…..The New Tipsters Are Introduced.

We have a few new starters this year.
For the oldies, those Tipsters with an actual chance of winning….the following Tipsters represent this years contribution of AFL2006 mug money.

Dick Dozy has joined AFL2006. .....Dick Dozy was reluctant to join our group because he claims a limited knowledge of AFL. .....JLP was very reassuring. ......JLP has recommended to Dick Dozy that all he has to do is keep his mouth shut and appear stupid, rather than to open it and remove all doubt.

Pettygrew is here. .....Pettygrew sees himself as a bit of a thinker. .....Pettygrew, when asked to consider something takes in all possible permutations. .....Pettygrew is the kinda guy that, when you give him an apple he considers wether he should eat it now or wait until it grows into a tree.

Snaw Milla also joins us...SnapShoota introduced Snaw Milla to us...Apparently Snaw Milla’s claim to fame is that, five minutes after he arrives at SnapShootas joint he skulks out onto the balcony and falls asleep.
JLP feels we shouldn’t judje Snaw Milla too harshly...after all, what would you do if you visited SnapShoota..?

Two Tipsters who fancy themselves as good lookers come from Qld…
We have Adonis, a mountain of muscle, most of it between his ears.

Also from the state of Als Himers we have Barbell Barby, one of the states radical new age feminists who tells Tallyroom personnel that she’s a big chance this year and won’t be lying down for anyone….not even Ken.

Then we have Sid Knee. .....We know already that Sid Knee is a potential troublemaker.
Sid Knee’s preferred method of problem resolution is a knife fight. ....When JLP met Sid Knee it was hard to miss that he looked like an outlaw bikie who has been dressed by his solicitor for the afternoon court session. Seeing Sid Knee so attired one could not help but think of PuntersPal who is to fashion what a toothbrush is to halitosis.

From Melbourne, the city in Oz that is nearest to Tasmania, comes Mercurial.
Mercurial is confident of a bold showing in AFL2006. .....He sees himself as a shrewd footie Tipster thanks in no small part to his footie background. ......Mercurial, in his youth fancied his chances of playing big time footie, but fate and fat conspired to make him a fan.

Ladder69, who is so depraved that only Brownose will make him feel welcome in our Tipcomp, is totally ignorant of AFL and its nuances. .....The only question Ladder69 has asked JLP about AFL2006 is how he can get involved with the Wettie.

We also have UnderPar….but UnderPar is not a newbie…
..... Like the wolf cross dressing as a sheep UnderPar is an AFL2005 Tipster in AFL2006 clothing.

Time to go…..Watch this space.

JLP

AFL2006..Tallyroom.03..May.02…Round.5

Where in the Hell Is JLP..????

With Tipsters sniping at JLP from all corners of the globe JLP now fronts up to give AFL2006 a quick update before the Tallyroom goes into its first annual mid season hibernation.

Firstly, before JLP responds to your e-mails, here is the balance of the housekeeping for AFL2006 housekeeping. .....To make things easy for even the most retarded Tipsters to understand JLP will present the housekeeping section in point form.

Point...The Prizemoney link has been updated with AFL2006 prize allocations.
Point…If you haven’t already, send in your money now. The address is on the ‘Rules’ link.
Point…Ozipom insists on a trip to Africa. ...The trip is scheduled for June/July.
Where Ozipom goes JLP is dragged behind.
Consequently the Tallyroom is going underground from now until late July.
Point…If you have any issues in lodging tips twixt now and end July send Tallyroom personnel an e-mail.
Point….If you email the Tallyrom do it before any applicable deadline.

As if things aren’t busy enough JLP has had to deal with the aimless nonsensical, and frequently cruel, e-mails from AFL2006 Tipsters. .......Rather than respond individually to your inane communications JLP has decided to deal with the lot of yuz in one easy web-posting.

If you have sent the Tallyroom an e-mail, your answer is below......

Sid Knee…Thank you for your complicated e-mails. ......JLP can only admire the manner in which you have made a simple problem unsolvable. ......It is difficult to know how to advise you.
Perhaps the best starting point is for JLP to suggest to you, most strongly, that you don’t breed.

Dick Dozy….You found the e-mail icon on the Tallyroom site.
Congratulations. That, in itself, is a significant achievement.

Wazzadon…Sorry to hear that you are distraught that you missed putting in your tips last week.
Maybe tipping a perfect round will make you traught again.

MoonGoon…point taken. We will be having a couple of GallupPolls this year….starting late July(ish).

Lumbermack…Great work with your wildcards. What can I say. You are a bigger fool than I took you for and that, believe me, is difficult to imagine.

TheSaint …Thanks your query. Sorry cannot help you.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Comrade Gagarin….you can forget winning AFL2006. You have no hope left, rightly.

HardYakka….no, JLP will not drop dead.

Dick Dozy….No..!! .....Stop with the e-mail icon abuse..!!!!!
You should now be clicking on the ‘Tipping Login’ Icon. .........Idiot.!!

Scarlett….arguments with JLP can be like that, you lose some then you lose some.

HeadPrefect….JLP is shocked and speechless. .....The last thing I expected from you was integrity.

ChessPest….My condolences. Losing a wife can be very hard, in most cases impossible.

ShareBare…..do it. .....Remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of.

Adonis…Thank you for your questions in regard to other Tipsters. .....I do not think any of them want any personal training lessons, least of all SirGee. .....SirGee, described by his friends as Mt Kosciusko with legs, gave up exercise back in the sixteenth century when the eyeties invented pizza.

YellowPeril…Yes ‘Peril, I know Freeo wuz robbed….but I don’t know where the umpires live and even if I did I wouldn’t have time to stuff a rice grain the size of a sherrin up the arse of each one of the umpires.

Dick Dozy…JLP is at a loss for words. .....Try again. .....It cannot be that hard.
What gives...??? .....Dead people have less trouble than you navigating around the Tallyroom website.

FruitTingle…Yes…I know you are near the bottom of the Ladder.
To JLP that is about as surprising as a sunrise in the Sahara.

To conclude JLP would like to give particular commendation to the following newbees…
Barbell Barby and Mercurial.

Barbell Barby, has had a spectacular plunge down the AFL Ladder.
Barbell Barby, has dropped from salivating over the wettie to be within arms length of the woodie in one short week. .....Barbell Barby is fast becoming on of our more popular Tipsters.

Mercurial is another newbee who long term Tipsters are queuing up to congratulate. ....Mercurial, who tipped so solidly in the opening rounds that many older Tipsters were concerned that he actually knew what he was doing....... Mercurial, who looked suspiciously like he would take away the prestigious AFL2006 winners trophy and, worse, the associated winning purse. ..... Happily it was all an illusion. ... Mercurial, when the going got tough, to the joy of AFL2006 Tipsters, fell in the same hole that so many others have stumbled into. ..... Mercurial, when the going got tough, when he got into the lead, forgot to tip. .....Beautiful stuff..!!!! ..... Mercurial, JLP echoes the thoughts of your fellow Tipsters.....Thanks. .....Keep It Up..!!!

That's it....till July.
(SnapShoota....please keep tipping like shit....we all knew you had it in you.....last year had to be a fluke.)
JLP

AFL2006..Tallyroom.04..July.25…Round.16

No News In Africa.

Dumber….Fatter….and lazier than ever…..JLP is back.

Africa, the place of origin of homo-sapiens, wuz just as JLP left it thirty years back….
..... except that ChessPest is even uglier than JLP remembers him.

To JimB, Stallion, Onya and the other Tipsters who wished me farewell and hoped I would never return I can only say that the holiday away was fantastic….though it rests in my memory as an alcohol induced blur of the past six weeks…..I don’t think the drugs helped much either. .....JLP and Ozipom left a trail of wrecked livers and exhausted laugh glands from Capetown to Phinda. .....Ozipom was unstoppable. ...Ozipom cut loose the strings of domestic discipline with an enthusiasm that can only come from thirty years of pent up self restraint. At one stage there JLP didn’t speak to Ozipom for three weeks…I didn’t want to interrupt her. ....In an e-mail to the Tallyroom the day before last ChessPest has advised that his liver still refuses to go anywhere near him.

There was no Ozzie news, AFL or otherwise, to be had on the veldts of Africa.

Thanks to irregular newspaper clippings from Comrade Gagarin JLP was at least kept informed about some sorts of footie, not really worth mentioning…except…JLP was interested to read that an Australian man was arrested in Germany during the roundball world cup comp for assault. ......Apparently, following the football match between Australia and Italy, an Italian soccer supporter screamed in agony and fell to ground clutching his shin. .....Pointing to the Ozzie as he fell the Italian claimed he had suffered a fractured skull, broke his hip and suffered cardiac arrest as a result of the assault. .....Witnesses said the Australian man was 20 metres away when the incident happened. .....Nevertheless the Ozzie was red carded by the local constabulary and was frog marched towards Italys most secure prison, the Vatican. .......Happily, because the Italian fully recovered in less than a minute, no charges were laid against the Ozzie.

Not all news from Oz related to sport. .....Fibber McGee also took time out to keep JLP advised of the goings on in Oz. .....Fibber McGee spoke at length about the earthquake, which measured 7.8 on the Richter scale, which hit south eastern Australia early July, with the epicentre believed to have been in the working class Victorian town of Geelong. .....Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin 'ell" and "Whadda baaarst'd". .....According to Fibber McGee the earthquake completely decimated Geelong, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed $3,000.oo

Seemingly it was a disaster. .....Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Kats Kingswood Appreciation Society and the Geelong Bingo Hall, were destroyed in the quake. .....Three acres of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. .....Most locals were woken well before their dole cheques arrived.

Back in Canberra Jonnie HowHard, ever quick to recognise the vote getting potential of giving money to a non muslim community, promptly declared Geelong a disaster zone.

Fibber says news of the earthquake was all over the ozzie airwaves. .....Geelong Radio Station COMPO92.7 reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in Geelong. ...One resident, Darlene Latoya Smith, a 15 year old mother of 4 was quoted saying, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. .....I was lucky the twins, Tyler-Ablett and Levi-Neumann slept through it all. .....And thank god my youngest, Oprah-Kardineeya was arrested for shoplifting yesterday arvo and had to spend the night in juvenile custody over in Werribee. .....The earthquake was sooo scary. ......I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later that morning".

The people of Geelong, though inbred, are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery was quickly evident, with reportings of looting, muggings and car crime returning to near normal levels only a few days after the ‘quake. ......The aid response from local charities was swift. .....The Red Cross quickly managed to freight in 3 pallets of VB and a ute load of Jack Daniels, along with ample supplies of Winnie Reds, to help the stricken locals. ......However donations of clothing are still needed. Items most sought after for the Geelong locals include flannelette shirts, footie socks, ughh boots and blue and white beanies.
Cash donations are still being accepted and should be sent to your nearest Tallyroom.

The Ladder….Round..16.

As for footie tipping…….Geeez JLP has come back to a can of worms.
Every man and his dog has it in for JLP. ......JLP shudda known.
Even before JLP left for Africa there were problems on the horizon. .....RooBoy, who many consider to be an insult to primates, moaned to the Tallyroom about the legality of Woodie contenders being allowed to pick eight draws in every round and demanded instant AFL2006 rule changes. ......Not wanting to make rule changes mid-tipcomp Tallyroom personnel suggested to RooBoy that the vagaries of Tipcomps may well see the draw-pickers shoot themselves in the foot and that RooBoy should maintain his integrity in his tipping. Never being one to take good advice RooBoy promptly started picking draws and, along with Wazzadon, paid the twenty one point penalty thanks to Carlton and Essendon last Saturday. .....This unscrupulous tipping by RooBoy and Wazzadon has brought the less inept Tipsters such as MoonGoon and FastForward right back into the fight for the Woodie. .....For FastForward and the rest of you that lust after a good woodie….take a tip from the Tallyroom….there will be more draws this year so be selective in selecting draws.

And….while on the subject of draws, can you believe that Hardyakka, the only Tipster to have intentionally selected four draws in his eleven years of AFL tipping….in fact the only Tipster to have ever intentionally selected even one draw in eleven years of footie tipping….laid into the Tallyroom this week because all other Tipsters received one point for the round.16 draw. .....Effective immediately JLP has placed Hardyakka at the top of the list of AFL2006 troublemakers which is stapled to the Tallyroom wall. ......And….as for you Hardyakka….go to the rules link on the website and read the bloody rules…..Oh….and Hardyakka if you still haven’t learnt to read then get someone to read the rules to you.

As if the moans and groans from the AFL2006 tipping fraternity were not enough to deal with JLP came back from Africa to an avalanche of e-mails from the legal aid department of the sherrin kickers handlers. Apparently the boys working for the big part of town have been monitoring our AFL tipcomp and have now decided to take assertive action. ......One wonders why the legal eagles chose this time to slip into their bovver boots and start sending menacing e-mails to JLP and Tallyroom staff…..probably because AFL2006 is so boring when compared to other years. ......Nevertheless JLP has been advised, in no uncertain manner, about the legal status of AFL2006….and that advice is not pretty. ......JLP is unsure of the correct posture to adopt at this point in time and has decided to give a complete transcript of relevant communications to the neighbours dog to give it a better reason for howling through the night.

If the dog has any constructive advice, other than how to scratch behind your ears with your feet or how to lick your own testicles, JLP will share it with you.

If JLP had any assets to hide I’d be doing it now.
JLP

AFL2006..Tallyroom.05..August.16…Round.19

Tipcomp Housekeeping And The Pursuit of Honour.

A few domestics to deal with…

1…Now is the time of the year for those Tipsters who are serial cheapskates to look in the mirror and ask themselves what is it that prevents them from paying their footie tipping dues. .....We in the Tallyroom know that times are hard even though our whiter than white pollies in the nations Capitol are telling us we never had it so good. ......Jonnie Howard is doing his bit for us. Jonnie and his new best friend Jorge Dubbya Boosh, together running the most hardline Christian regimes since the Pope Urban ordered the crusades at the turn of the last millennium, have bestowed upon us mere citizens of the twenty first century all the moral benefits that a strong currency allows. .....Tipsters….Jonnie has assured you that you are rolling in it...so spread the stuff around.
N ow is the time to relieve yourself of those nagging little debts that haunt your sleep at night. ....Now is the time to bring honour to you and your family.
Note….JLP does not want to see any smart arse payments. .....I’m talking to you here PuntersPal….losing TAB tickets to the value of $55.oo do not count as paying your footie subs.
(WetandWild…you remain the only exception to this rule. Photos along the lines of those you sent last year in lieu of $55.oo will be considered as negotiable currency by competition organisers and Tallyroom perverts.)

2….Now is the time for all Tipsters to take a serious look at your wildcard position. If you don’t use all of your wildcards before the end of the home and away rounds…….which is a mere three weeks away……you will be disqualified. .....This is no idle threat…..ask Stallion, the Tipster who was most likely to win last year until he found out that he had not used his Carlton wildcard during the season. .....The AFL2005 $1,000.oo that Stallion had earmarked for his filly, conveniently stabled at the Touch of Class between midnight and dawn on weekends, went the way of Snapshoota. .....Stallion got nothing. .......After his tipcomp disqualification the filly wouldn’t turn her back on Stallion. .....For romancing all Stallion could afford was a bottle of cheap aftershave the contents of which, which JLP understands, found its way onto Stallion’s right hand the next time that the one eyed trouser snake reared up to remind Stallion of his predisposition to lust.

3…There is a GallupPoll this week. .....Most long term Tipsters know what this entails. .....New Tipsters and any Alsmatic long term Tipsters will just have to read the rules to find out what they have to do.

What Went Wrong…..???!!!….We Need A Gallup Poll.

At this stage of the tipcomp all Tipsters need to be realistic.
For JLP it is tragically obvious that this is not gonna be JLP’s year. .....JLP cannot win. ..Damn...Damn. .Damn.
Over ten years of playing in this stupid tipcomp and still no podium glory for JLP. .....How is it possible…??.

JLP, and, no doubt, many other Tipsters are asking themselves ‘’where in the hell did I go wrong..??’’
How can a serial dickhead like Sid Knee possibly be in front of me on the Tipcomp ladder. .....Many Tipsters are reflecting on their tipping season to try and find that critical turning point where their dreams were dashed upon the rocky shores of the maelstrom that we call AFL2006.

Adonis, that mountain of man muscle who lathers himself in olive oil to attract that swarthy Mediterranean woman that will forgive his weakness in verbal skills, thinks Tallyroom personnel are a pack of lying thieving cheats. .....Adonis thinks that the AFL2006 rules are an insult to logic. .....Adonis considers that a wildcard on a team that plays a draw should be scored as minus one….not minus five. .....Adonis has alot to learn.

Woodie adversaries Wazzadon and Rooboy undoubtedly lament over the round.16 draw.

LeftTee also thinks he can pinpoint the moment of his AFL2006 demise. .....JLP learnt this when I spent an afternoon not so long ago with LeftTee trudging after white balls at our golf club. .....Why JLP remains a member of the same golf club as LeftTee is baffling. ......It costs JLP a small fortune in lost bets.
LeftTee wins everything. ......To play golf with LeftTee is to pay the private school fees of his children.
JLP is not alone in harbouring those sentiments. .....Many clubmembers share JLP’s dread. .....An alarm rings in the clubhouse when LeftTee drives through the carpark gate. .....The alarm is the signal for club members to disperse in an orderly manner so as to avoid LeftTee and the financial consequences of playing golf against him. .....One clubmember Koncord Spic, who lazes around the clubhouse with that laconical shift me if you can manner that comes so naturally to a bloke who weighs in at 4 metric tonnes, declined the opportunity of joining AFL2006 on the basis that he was scheduled to tee off with LeftTee twice during the month of April. And the members funding of LeftTee doesn’t stop at the bets. .....All club members have been forced into paying dues to the LeftTee benevolent fund. .....The golf club committee has recently introduced a special levy on all members to pay for the weekly damage that LeftTee inflicts upon the course. .....Be that as it may, whilst concurrently strolling down the fairways and financing LeftTee JLP learnt that LeftTee considers the turning point for him in AFL2006 was the moment he suggested to Sid Knee that he should join our tipcomp.
Since that time Sid Knee, a conniving character who JLP wouldn’t trust to fart thru the right hole, has proved to be LeftTee’s AFL nemesis.

Running Smoke doesn’t consider this year a failure. .....As Running Smoke reminds Tallyroom personnel, twice daily, Running Smoke was Tipcomp leader for three weeks, something that JLP has never achieved. This mediocre achievement is enough to give Running Smoke bragging rights to all and sundry every time Running Smoke engineers footie into his conversations. .......Bastard.

Near leader Comrade Gagarin, who wears white T-Shirts that routinely display evidence of breakfast, is unsure if this will turn out to be a good or bad year. .....Barbell Barby, who dresses to kill and also cooks that way, is also in two minds as to whether or not this is a good year. .....Barbell Barby has a grip on the Wettie but would feel far more satisfied if it were possible to get the Woodie to go with it. .....Someone should tell Barbell Barby that it ain’t gonna happen. ....That’s a position that even WetandWild couldn’t get herself into.

So….Tipsters….what went wrong for you this year.?? .......That is the GallupPoll question.
You have until the end of round.22 to advise the Tallyroom. .....Three AFL2006 points are yours when you punctually respond. .....For Barbell Barby, FastForward, WetandWild and all the other woodie chasers, as deemed by the Tallyroom, you get three points if you don’t respond.

And….to get the ball rolling….JLP will be the first to respond to the GallupPoll.
Purely and simply JLP will not win because my tipping has been as useless as a cheque from Wazzadon.

Get your GallupPolls in.
Responses will be on the GallupPoll link as they dribble in.

If there is an AFL God…..Sid Knee will fail to respond.
JLP

AFL2006..Tallyroom.06..August.29…Round.21

When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going.

Things are a bit tricky this week. ....On the one hand JLP has so much to share with Tipsters in regard to matters global….the new plastic bag carry on rule for airtravel, for example…..and on the other hand JLP feels compelled to comment on matters AFL2006…the trials and tribulations of RooBoy and Wazzadon, for example. ......Decisions. .......Decisions. ........Decisions.

Most Tipsters are battling. .......Things are getting tough.

When the going gets tough Tipsters get going in different ways. ......When the going gets tough JimB gets going….literally. .......JimB has booked himself a ticket overseas and is headed for London, via Europe, presumably to make Partners life a misery for a month or two. .......JLP knows of JimB’s travel plans because JimB, aware that JLP is an experienced international traveller, phoned and asked JLP for travelling advice. JLP was happy to point out to JimB that, when you’re in Europe and everything seems to be coming your way you are probably in the wrong lane. .......When JLP questioned JimB about the new airline security measures in place whereby passengers may only take hand luggage on board if it is in a plastic container JimB was quick to point out that the only valuable he possesses he has always carried in a condom so the new security measures hold no fears for him.

When the going gets tough fluke artists like YellowPeril and HareJelly, who both acknowledge that hard work pays off in the future…but are quick to point out that laziness pays off now, look for games in which they are most likely to tip a draw.

Tough or not VodkaBoy has excuses. .......VodkaBoy went to Colorado University, deep in the heart of Capitalist Central, to do a six week course on the history of Rock and Roll. ......Judging from the gibberish which VodkaBoy claims to be e-mails the Rock and Roll course looks to JLP to be nothing more than a six week binge of watching re-runs of Woodstock, taking your clothes off and sampling recreational drugs
It would seem that VodkaBoy is struggling to complete the course to his satisfaction….VodkaBoy left for his six week course four months ago…and there are no signs yet of his returning. ......It is obvious that VodkaBoy is doing his best to pass the course with flying colours. VodkaBoy now signs off his e-mails with the phrase..”Gravity won’t get you high.”

AFL2006 has certainly turned tough for Wazzadon and RooBoy.
Both Tipsters were warned about the inevitability of another draw this season yet both Tipsters continued their draw tipping tactic in pursuit of this years Woodie. ........Idiots…!!!!! .......AFL2006's other chronic draw tipper FruitTingle, from whom you would never get a statement that would make a mensa gathering gape in admiration, also falls into the idiot category. .......Had FruitTingle taken JLP’s warning FruitTingle would now be a serious Woodie contender.

It is genuinely amazing that in over ten years of footie tipping neither RooBoy nor Wazzadon, both in possession of a more than reasonable footie ancestry, has ever cracked the big time in our Tipcomp.
Each year Wazzadon and RooBoy approach our Tipcomp with an open mind…which is obviously a mistake…because by the end of round two their brains fall out.

Winning the Woodie isn’t easy. ......RooBoy and Wazza oughta know that.
In an effort to help them JLP contacted previous woodie holders MoonGoon and Kiwi Bob for advice to pass onto RooBoy and Wazzadon. ......The communications proved to be fruitless. ....JLP drew a blank with both Tipsters. .......When JLP asked MoonGoon, described by aliens as ‘one of us’, how to get the Woodie the dazed look of incomprehension on MoonGoons face became totally complete. .......As for Kiwi Bob nothing…not a word. .......Mind you…JLP shudda known that. .......When the subject turns to woodies Kiwi Bob has always been a bit sheepish. .......The only Tipster to make comment on the ill judged attempts of Wazza and RooBoy to get the Woodie has been LeftTee. .......LeftTee has asked if JLP could organise a game of golf with Wazza and Rooboy. .......JLP’s guess is that LeftTee is intending to get a set of leather bound textbooks for each of his kids and sees RooBoy and Wazzadon as potential financers.

Sid Knee reckons it’s been tough all year. ....... Sid Knee says that the Tallyroom has put him under unfair pressure from round.1. .......Sid Knee is dirty ‘cause he reckons that JLP has portrayed him as an aggro knife fighter controlled by an insect sized primeval brain…which is, off course, totally untrue….insects with any sort of brains do not have attitude.

For Hardyakka things are not tough. .......Hardyakka, since he tipped his draw, has taken an unhealthy interest in AFL2006. .......Hardyakka studies the AFL2006 more often than he studies his form guide. Hardyakka can tell you who has played what wildcard, what round they played it in and, probably, what they were wearing at the time. .......Because no sane person would intentionally initiate a conversation with Hardyakka about wildcards, or anything else for that matter, JLP herewith advises that this weekend is your last chance to use your wildcards.

Knowing how painful it is to communicate with Hardyakka JLP, to spare Tipsters the angst of having to make contact with him, lists below the Tipsters who have, at time of writing, unplayed wildcards and who must use those wildcards this week or face disqualification… …..Dick Dozy, Ladder69, LeftTee, PerryWhite, SirGee, SnawMilla, UnderPar, Vietkwan, WetandWild. .......Not surprisingly Dick Dozy, with only one round remaining, cannot use his full complement of wildcards. .......All other Tipsters are expected to comply with the wildcard rule.

For the general information of all Tipsters JLP advises that Tipcomp leader Hardyakka is playing his last wildcard this weekend, Sydney in the game against Carlton. .......Hardyakka is convinced that this tactical move will get him at least five points clear of the field and give him enough of a lead to get him the AFL2006 premier podium possie come grand final day. .......JLP is also playing his Sydney wildcard this weekend….but this will not prevent JLP from attending the Sydney/Carlton game this weekend and yelling myself hoarse cheering for Carlton.

Finally….in regard to our other major prize, the Wettie, JLP can advise that Wettie leader Barbell Barby, who says she doesn’t have anything to hide, which would explain the scantiness of her wardrobe, reckons she can beat off the late challenge from Cocomum for this years Wettie.

That’s about all we have time for this week.
If you have unused wildcards play them now or be disqualified.
JLP

AFL2008

Wannabee Tipsters hear this.....AFL2008 is a happening thing..!!!

When it comes to having a good time JLP is loathe to advocate excesses in drugs, alcohol, sex or footie tipping to anyone…but they have always worked for me..so...the Tallyroom is opening for 2008.

Consequently....JLP and the Tallyroom team invite nominations for AFL2008.

To sign up for another foray into the fiasco we call footie tipping send an e-mail to JLP.
(Click on the email icon which should be hanging around somewhere on this webpage.)

Also.....send $55.oo entry fee to the Tallyroom.....from whence it will be promptly re-directed into the JLP retirement fund.