Get Smart.!!     ……..All Your FAQ’s Answered !!

Tallyroom.Wildcard Report..July.2

Who Has Used What Wildcards...???

The two most frequent questions received in the Tallyroom this past month has been….”What wildcards has ???? played…???” or “What wildcards does ????? still have to play..???”

Therefore below, for those that are interested, is a summary…(probably inaccurate)… of what wildcards each Tipster has played up to and including round.13.

Note that almost all Tipsters have wildcard problems ahead of them.
Most have yet to play their Carlton wildcard. Many have yet to play their Hawthorn wildcard. Those that have yet to play their Richmond, Roos, Essendon and Collingwood wildcards will not feel totally despondent.

So……who has used what wildcards…??? Are you still a chance..??
Check out the list below and see how those around you are placed in regard to their remaining wildcards.

9Teen66
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Melb, Rich, Roos, Syd

BaldEagle
To play…All sixteen wildcards

BlacktownPete
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Fmtl, Geel, Hawn, Rich, Roos, StK, Syd

BlueVicar
To play… Coll, Hawn, Melb, Rich, Roos, Syd

Brownose
To play… Coll, Melb, Roos

ChessPest
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn

Cocomum
To play… Adel, Coll, Esdn, Rich, Roos, Wdogs

Comrade Gagarin
To play…Carl, Coll, Roos, Syd

Deeman
To play… Adel, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Hawn, Rich, Roos, Syd

Dragon
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Roos

Eljai
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Rich, Roos, Syd

FastForward
To play…NIL

Fibber McGee
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Geel, Hawn, Melb, Rich, Roos, StK, Syd, Wdogs

FruitTingle
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Hawn, Roos

GeeGee
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Fmtl, Hawn, Roos, StK

GhengisTal
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Melb, Roos

Hal2005
To play…Roos

HardYakka
To play… Coll, Geel, Melb, Rich, Roos, Syd

HareJelly
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Geel, PtAd, Rich, StK, Syd, Wdogs

Head Prefect
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Roos, Syd

Hollywood Hunk
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Geel, PtAd, Roos

JimB
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Geel, Hawn, Rich, Roos

JLP
To play…Carl, Coll, Rich, StK

Kane Tode
To play…Carl, Coll, Melb

Kernel Bogey
To play…Carl, Coll, Melb, Roos, Wdogs

KiwiBob
To play…Melb, StK, Wcst

Krusty Roll
To play…Esdn, Fmtl, Geel, Rich, Roos, Syd, Wdogs

Latekummer
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Hawn, Roos, StK, Syd, Wcst, Wdogs

LeftTee
To play…Carl, Coll

Low Watermark
To play…Carl, Wdogs

Lumbermack
To play…NIL

LunaTick
To play…Adel, Wdogs

Macman
To play…Adel, Geel, PtAd, Roos, StK, Syd, Wcst, Wdogs

Madame DiDi
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, PtAd, Rich, Roos, Syd, Wdogs

Mozart
To play…Adel, Brbn, Carl, Esdn, Fmtl, Geel, Hawn, Rich, StK

Multivac
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Melb, PtAd, Roos, Rich, StK, Syd

NetStalker
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Melb, Stk, Syd, Roos, Wcst

Numbers
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, StK, Wdogs

Onya
To play…Adel, Brbn, Carl, Coll, Fmtl, Geel, Hawn, PtAd

Ozipom
To play…Geel, PtAd, Rich, Roos, StK

Partner
To play…Adel, Brbn, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Geel, Rich, Roos, StK, Syd, Wcst

Perry White
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Roos, Wdogs

PuntersPal
To play…Coll, Fmtl, Rich, StK, Wdogs

RooBoy
To play…Brbn, Coll, Hawn, PtAd, Roos, Stk

RunningSmoke
To play…Carl, Hawn, StK, Wdogs

Scarlett
To play…Carl, Coll, Hawn, Melb, PtAd, Rich, Roos

ShareBare
To play…Adel, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Melb, Rich, Wdogs

SirGee
To play…Brbn, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn, Rich, Roos, Wdogs

SnapShoota
To play…Coll, Esdn. Hawn, Melb, Syd

Stallion
To play…Adel Brbn, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Geel, Hawn, PtAd, Rich, Roos, StK

Stickhead
To play…Brbn, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Fmtl, Geel, Roos, Syd

TeaSea
To play…Carl, Coll, Esdn, Hawn

TheSaint
To play…Brbn, Carl, Coll, Geel, Rich, Roos, Wdogs

VietKwan
To play…Carl

VodkaBoy
To play…Carl, Coll, Geel, Rich, Roos, StK

Wazzadon
To play…Carl, Coll, Geel, Melb, Roos

WetandWild
To play…Adel, Carl, Coll, Esdn, Rich, Roos, StK

Wheels
To play…Adel, BrbnCarl, Coll, Hawn, Roos

YellowPeril
To play…Esdn, Geel, Hawn, Melb, StK

There you have it…..(I know RooBoy will be checking me so if there are any errors you will soon be advised.
JLP

In the years that JLP has been stupid enough to be involved with Footie Tipping I have noted that, as sure as umpires are dickheads, so are Tipsters.  

Year in year out Tipsters invariably hassle the Tallyroom by asking the same stupid questions over and over again. What happens to you lot over the summer…..do you lose your brains when you shed your skin..????  

I am sure KiwiBob has no IQ at all. As for YellowPeril.…JLP is of the opinion that he intentionally times his questions in sync with some ancient form of Chinese water torture.

Life is tough in the Tallyroom. When communicating with Tipsters JLP often feels as though he is trying to explain Beethoven to a deaf man.

Therefore, to save the Tallyroom from being inundated with yet another load of unnecessary queries during season AFL2003 JLP has decided to give you all the answers to your questions before you get around to asking them again.

Cut and pasted below are responses to your queries of tipcomps gone by…

HardYakkaToo asks….

Why is it that only aresholes win footie tipping competitions..??

Congratulations from the Tallyroom HardYakkaToo. JLP did not know that you had once won a Tipping Competition..!

Onya Asks…

“ JLP How big is your wedding tackle and is it in working order ?”

All in all after half a century on the planet JLP has noticed no shrinkage to any part of his torso, excluding his nose, which was considerably larger during my teenage years due to the fact that it was home for a few generations of zits.

Happily, all of me continues to work, except the part that’s on compo.
 

HollywoodHunk asks…..

“ Why are Hawthorn's colours Brown and Yellow ?”

Thanks Hunk…..I like questions on AFL history, one of my many specialties. Brown was chosen because Hawthorn are such a shitty gutless team. To emphasize that point the colour of the stripe is not yellow, it’s chicken.
 

Brownose asks….

“Did parents tell children nursery rhymes, in the Depression, before TV ?“

Awaiting the invention of Nintendo, children all over the world have enjoyed nursery rhymes through good times and bad. Poverty has never dimmed parental love. Here is an example of a late Depression Nursery Rhyme…..

Mary had a little lamb,

Her Father shot it dead,

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.
 

RooBoy asks…

“ Why are the AFL umpires dressed in white? Wouldn't yellow be a better colour for them ?

Traditionally AFL umpires have always dressed in white so that, after AFL matches, they can easily hide in a box of maggots to escape detection from irate AFL fans, hence the term White Maggot.        

As to putting them into yellow..not for me. They look pukey enough already.
 

GirlFromMelbourne asks…..

“ Why is it that my clothes shrink when I eat chocolate..?? ”

JLP recently had a similar apparel shrinkage strike his wardrobe, when he noticed that his belt was a notch or two smaller than in normal circumstances. 

Initially JLP assumed that he merely had a boner at the time and that this accounted for the sudden shortage of notches in the waist leather.      It was not until some weeks later that it became apparent to JLP that the belt was, in fact, allergic to beer. It is obvious that your clothes are allergic to chocolate.
 

Gangsta asks….

“ How much are you paying Satans boys for protection.??”

Hmmm.   Obviously a new form of rhyming slang is forming in the underworld. Tricky at first, but then it dawned on me Satans Boys……Adults Toys…!!

Protection….!!!! it’s obvious when you think about it. I pay about a buck each for my condoms, if I buy in bulk. ( choice of colours.!)
 

TheSaint Asks…

“If 7 umpires typed for 7 years on 7 typewriters... could they type Hamlet..?”

Saint, you have got to be kidding. !!! No umpire has enough intelligence to control the movement of his appendages well enough to be able to type.

Think about it…..In 75 AFL seasons, playing on 7 fields, 7 days a week, 7500 umpires have never once given the same distance for a fifty metre penalty. Literature, in any form other than a melee fine is beyond their comprehension.

MoonGoon asks…

“ How I can reduce the size of my viewing window so I do not see my name in the same picture as JimB and Saddam… ? “

MoonGoon…… You can’t.!!        Miniaturisation does have its limitations. AFL destiny has dealt you a cruel blow by giving you tipping skills comparable with the likes of JimB and Saddam. You three Tipsters……Like steel in water…will always find your own level.

( Please also empathise with JimB and Saddam in that AFL destiny has dealt them a cruel blow…..by giving them tipping skills comparable with yours.)
 

NightOwl asks….

“Who is AFL2000’s biggest Rooter.?”

Same old question from NightOwl……forever looking for bluer pastures. Rather than nameing names in such a public forum JLP has decided to show NightOwl the answer to his question by sending NightOwl a full length mirror!
 

Pokemon asks….

“If Horses stay in stables and Dogs lie in Kennels, where do Skaters board ?”

JLP has many positive suggestions for the plight of the inconsiderate skater. All involve torture and deportation to America where they could spend their  days picking up the discarded rubbish of the patrons of the Soylent Green Franchise Chain of Fast Food which takes care to poison the environment and you at exactly the same rate so you never know what is happening to you.
 

Wazzadon asks…

“ How many ponytails does it take to make a wood cover..?? ”

Whatya talking about here Wazza….greenhouse effect or something.??? Why would you cover our woods with horses hair when we are doing such a good job of littering them with man made products.?? Man made products, I may add, that earned good men good money to create for our wanton and irresponsible destruction and disposal wherever we want in the environment.

If you’ve got something against The Economy counselling can be arranged.!!, (subject to your health insurance being in a current status, off course. )
 

Threedogs asks….

Why are male athletes, no matter what sport, so good at gollying and spitting?

The answer is obvious Threedogs!    Men in states of excitement expel fluids. Expelling fluids is one of the few things that men do with any degree of enthusiasm though, according to lesbians, seldom well. Be that as it may…….ratings will confirm that spitting makes for great TV. Is there much that is better than seeing a bowler drop a huge sticky golly in the middle of the pitch after his fast ball has found the batsmans nuts.??

And who amongst us is not moved in that moment when, just after the player has pulled up his socks and just before having his kick at goal the player holds one nostril closed while he empties his lungs through the other nostril….??

No wonder we Ozzies all froth at the mouth in anticipation of our weekly footie
 

BlueVicar asks….

“ Why is abbreviation such a long word? “

I presume, BlueVicar, that you only want the abridged answer…….

…..Because it has twelve letters !!
 

Speedy asks…

“If I’m driving along a quiet road and I see a beautiful girl, unconscious in the grass by the side of the road, what should I do ?? Who should I call ??”

I can see your point here Speedy…..

Depending upon circumstances one of two dilemmas will confront you….If your car hit her….did anyone see you….?? If your car didn’t hit her…Who to phone first, the ambulance or your mates..??

Please advise which dilemma you would like me to elaborate upon.
 

Stallion asks…

“ What is the richest country in the world…?? “

Thanks for giving me an easy one Stallion.!! I love financial questions. The answer is simple enough, Ireland….because its capital is always Dublin.
 

The GrateNorv asks….

“Let's make this one a little interesting…Where was Winston Frances Churchill born.???..... I need full details.!!”

Originally I thought this was a trick question. Then, realizing that the TheGrateNorv was incapable of asking a trick question, I went straight to my memory banks to confirm that Winnie’s middle name was not Frances, a middle name more generally reserved for people who are destined to have a weight problem at some point in their lives.

Having corrected TheGrateNorv’s question it is only appropriate that I confirm that Winnie was born, with cigar in one hand and rattle plans in the other, at Blenheim Palace, well north of South Africa.
 

Karltongue asks…

“How is Footie, and in particular the footie season a metaphor for life.??” Karl, this is the question which I was most looking forward to responding to. It allows great scope for imagination and ambiguity and would provide an excellent vehicle with which to vent my pent up prejudices.  

However, I cannot answer. You beat me…again !!  I have chosen to sulk.!
 

Macman asks…

“When, if ever, can I fart in public..??”

If you are able to ensure that no audible decibel level accompanies the fart JLP would suggest you try recreational Lift Farting. Position yourself just off centre in the Lift, silently make your anal statement, then be prepared to grab the moral high ground by glaring at anyone wearing a school uniform. Note….it is important that you resist the temptation to take deep breaths.
 

FastForward asks…

“ Is ‘ignoranus’ a person who is both stupid and an arsehole.?? “Neither, it is a word often thought, though never verbalised, in crowded Lifts.
 

CaptainQuirk asks…

 “ Why is smoking being banned from just about everywhere ??”

Is JLP imaging things, going crazy or has cynicism finally taken
over ..??   

Item one on the nightly news is smoking and it’s evils.   

Item two on the nightly news is about all the new injecting rooms..!!

Quirk, JLP is of the opinion that the ban on smoking is related to the recent move to legalise injecting rooms. Our Leaders have obviously decided to move with the times and get rid of our old bad habits to prepare for the new.
 

JimB asks…

“ What are ya.?? “

Tipsters..check out the question! This is what I have had to deal with all year.   The pills obviously have not started working yet. This is why, when it came to the AFL2000 woodie none of us ever had a chance. Oh JimB, by the way, the answer to your question…..

…..I am Homo Sapiens…..note please, with the emphasis on the Sapiens.
 

Multivac asks…

“How does a snow-plough driver get to work in the morning?” Depends which century you are talking about here Multivac….

…..In the twenty ninth century, by HeetRayMobile, in a straight line two feet or less under the top of the snow at 1,000 kilometres an hour.

…..In the thirteenth century, by getting up at 12:01 AM and trudging in the freezing cold for hours in the dark to be at work on time at dawn.

…..In our century, by phoning in sick and making it someone else’s problem.
 

Saddam asks

“ JLP….May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your armpits…..my question is  Why are you people so unkind to me…??? ”

Saddam, It’s not the reasons that you think.    It’s not the arms and legs that you order chopped off, it ain’t even the odd missile of bubonic plague that you lob over the border every once in a while.        Your halitosis in combination with your other body odours has resonated a zone of stench across the Arabian lands that has even forced the fleas to flee from the camels fleeces.    

Saddam..You need a deodorant. JLP recommends you consider Sheep Dip.
 

BlacktownPete asks…

“What qualifications do I need to get a job as a Waterboy in a Urinal.?” JLP is pleased that BlacktownPete has finally set himself an achievable goal. Having chosen a profession to which JLP has not aspired I am somewhat unsure of the exact qualifications which are required.   A good aim, perhaps??

Nevertheless BlacktownPete you should approach the interview with that ring of confidence which only you can exude. JLP would suggest that it will not take the interviewer long to detect what a gigantic prick you are which, after all, is one of the main criteria for the position. Should you require any references to that effect I know many Tipsters who would enthusiastically respond on your behalf.
 

YellowPeril asks…

Is it force feeding If a Jedi Knight makes his child eat dinner ?

Only if the Jedi insists that the child be eating at the exact same instant that the child is regurgitating a previous mouthful. Should force feeding unintentionally occur the rigid self imposed Jedi code of parental conduct would come into play and the Knight would have to attain penance by closing his eyes until he could see three pea oats next to Art Who and Dee too.
 

Partner asks….

"JLP, do you always play pocket billiards when writing the weekly report?"

At an early age JLP, as have countless generations of males before him, found playing pocket billiards to be both stimulating and satisfying.     As you correctly suspect JLP is better than most at pocket billiards thanks largely to the enthusiasm with which I have tackled the rigorous training sessions.

JLP can lay claim to developing the famous ‘Dead Mans Hand’ variation of the game of pocket billiards whereby, if you cut off the blood circulation to your hands prior to playing, it feels like someone else is doing it. Being a two handed typist JLP has had to further improve upon his technique.

Whilst writing the weekly report it is my preference to set my mobile phone to ‘Vibrate’, strap it to my dick, and to phone my mobile, in redial mode, until the report is finished or the phone is drained….whichever has come first.
 

Ozipom asks….

“When I get a present from FastForward, which obviously costs less than fifty cents, how much does the thought count.??” Significantly more than the thought counts with gifts given to you by others.

Ozipom,  for your information, FastForward’s gifts all contain an exponential thought value to that of the actual purchase value of the gift. FastForward is able to achieve this stunningly high thought value, per gift, after giving, by the minimal time she applies to the actual purchasing of the gift, before giving.
 

Chef asks…

“1.   Does JimB drink Jack Daniels..??     2.   Is Saddam an Aussie..??”

Being dumber than most, Chef found it necessary to ask two questions.

However at this point in time JLP will neither elaborate on JimBs revolting drinking habits nor on Saddams quest to seek an asylum outside of the one he has already created for himself and his Arab henchmen.

However JLP will advise Chef that nappy changing is not as difficult as he fears. It is so simple that even some Greek dads have learnt to do it.
 

VodkaBoy asks…

“ Why do golf balls escape so often from KingGee ? “

For many years golfers who have played with KingGee have been aware of his mistreatment of his golf balls.

KingGee regularly pounds his golf balls into tree trunks. He frequently sends them so far into the water that even the shark logo holds its breath. He also excels at burying them in sand then flogging them numerous times before emerging onto the fairway, where he then proceeds to paint one or two smiles on them with his five iron. Is it any wonder that they leave him..?
 

Hal2000 asks…

“ What is it like to be human.??”

Humans treat humanity as a way of life. To have good times and bad. It’s a biological thing. It has it’s ups and downs. Those are the good times. The rest of the time we spend on creating and repairing machines….
 

Duke asks…

“What is the best change that AFL has made since it started.”

Toughie Duke. It’s probably the decision to piss the Roos out of Melbourne to any city ostracised and isolated enough to take them..!   (none found yet.)
 

ShareBare asks…

“ When is a leprechaun not a leprechaun ?”

For many years cheap imitation leprechauns, now known as gnomes, were exported from YellowPerilLand to anyone with enough poor taste to buy them. The way to test if your leprechaun is the real McCoy is to lick its stomach.

If you die it will be of Yellow Fever and your heirs will know that it was a cheap import. If you live you will know that you do indeed have the luck of the Irish.
 

JLP asks….

“Why on earth did I do this..???”

Easy question to answer JLP....because you are seriously fucked in the head!