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O4...Feb...Tallyroom..01..pre season

AFL2004...Why Not To Play..!!

In response to your calls and e-mails.......

.......Laydeeez and Gentlemen....
.....There will be footie tipping this year....!!!!

Note though, AFL2004 will be different....
This year the Tallyroom will NOT publish weekly footie reports.

JLP has accepted an invitation to enrol at University this year.

In AFL2004, with the added advantage of a partial tertiary education JLP will be unbeatable.    By the time the first game of footie kicks off this season JLP will be operating with turbo-charged grey matter making picking footie winners easier than plagiarising Plato.

Knowing that you will be opposed to an even smarter JLP as a Tipcomp opponent should drive all potential AFL2004 Tipsters back into their caves and trees.

Scholastic achievement requires time.
(Lecturers concur....the more beer you drink the more time you need.)

Time is a precious commodity to an ozzie bloke like JLP

After you factor in....
time spent on a golf course.....
time spent studying Form Guides....
time spent hacking into a decent porno website....
time spent cheating in Tipcomps....
time spent dodging Ozipom when she's in a bad mood...
time spent throttling the kids....
time spent hanging over...

it is easy to see that time is a very finite commodity.
To get more time sacrifices must be made.

Therefore, to accommodate JLP's journey on the road to cerebral Nirvana the Tallyroom will be downsized in AFL2004 to a size which is not yet clear.
(Tallyroom personnel might try to put something other than the weekly money Ladder onto the AFL2004 page at some stages during the season.....but... true to  the not very high standards set by our noble and honourable Ozzie government, we are not making any core promises here)

If you are still thinking of playing AFL2004.....
......Be warned at this point....
you cannot and willnot win..!
There will be irregular Tallyroom reports...at best.... so all in all it is pretty pointless that you even bother entering.      

For those that really want to throw some cash into the footie tipping pot read on...........you have reached AFL2004....what there is of it.

With the greatest respect for Mr Darwin JLP puts forward the proposition that there are Creatures which inhabit planet earth that defy the logic of Darwinism, Creatures which are so intellectually limited that they do not have the capacity to learn....let alone evolve.

Lemmings, who gang suicide on their annual pilgrimage to the nearest cliff are one example of such creatures.

Male Black Widow spiders also have the cerebral defect that sends them, once in a lifetime, into the jaws of certain death....though, in the case of the male Black Widow JLP concedes that the chance of a good root does provide for extenuating circumstances.

Examples which evidence the possible shortcomings of Darwins Theory of Evolution can be found aplenty amongst Tipsters who front up every year to play our AFL game.

Already this year some lemming brains have been in contact with the Tallyroom.

JLP is unsure how many Tipsters will bother to play AFL2004.......
...though there have been a few early applications. ( with $$'s...!)
In fairness it should ne noted that these early applications consist primarily of greedy money winners from last years Tipcomp and JLP's relatives.

FastForward and Hardyakkatwo have sent in their hard earned.

HollywoodHunk took time out from his busy schedule of knockbacks to warn JLP that he was a starter this year.

Brain dead Tipster TheSaint, who has not won a zac in ten years of footie tipping,  was another early enquirer about a tipcomp this year.

After last years coup VodkaBoy and HareJelly have done another deal to split their winnings in AFL2004.

Nauseatingly confident, Hal2004 has sent in his bank account details.

Eager to continue his war against the right, LeftTee has been asking questions.

ShareBare is eager for the footie to start.   Now that he has built the country Lodge ShareBare says he can concentrate on the footie this year and will reverse his miserable tipping of '03.

Cocomum is another who is back for more.

And also PuntersPal.         JLP sighted PuntersPal outside the local TAB in early January.    It is always an embarrassment to be seen with the guy so I nicked into the local fruitshop to avoid him.     Thinking that it would take a few minutes before PuntersPal went somewhere else I decided to do what I always do when I wanna kill time in a fruitshop.....squeeze the melons with my eyes closed.      JLP was horrified when the inevitable tap on the shoulder came...not from the fruiterer but from the disgustingly dressed PuntersPal.     JLP was trapped.      There was nothing to do but accept fate and be seen talking to PuntersPal in public.       We drifted around the fruitshop.      While we were in the back aisle, squeezing tomatoes, PuntersPal slipped me an envelope with fifty five bucks.
"Count me in again this year. " said PuntersPal as he turned to leave, slapping me on the shoulder with his sticky fingers in a disgusting parting gesture of camaraderie.
I gotta change TAB's.

The overseas contingent have also been making noises....

Partner said he will win this year 'cause he needs a quid.

The man with the Woodie, KiwiBob, is keen to play again.
.....He says he has debts to pay with this years winnings.
( Stable Infringements, no doubt.! )

Confirming that he is still not adequately endowed cerebrally, Stallion, has been asking for a Tipcomp start date.

Speaking of not adequately endowed... YellowPeril is in.

On the positive side JLP is relieved that there has been no contact from BlacktownPete so far this year....(Will he be too busy to play...??  Could we be so lucky..??)

Multivac has the tipping website under control so, as regards the actual tipping and scoring, all will be as last year.    Wildcards still apply.

If you want to play AFL2004 send me an e-mail and I will send you an address to send your cheque....
....(preferably one that won't bounce....Wazza.)
I will also give you your password for the tipping site.

It will cost you fifty five dollars

For those fools that do play AFL2004 and choose to embark upon another tipcomp to nowhere put this website address into your explorer Favourites.
All contact, however irrelevant, will be via this web address.

There will be an update on this site before the footie starts to tell you anything you need to know....it remains your problem to get someone to read it to you.

JLP

O4...Mar.30...Tallyroom..03 

Something New..And Lots Of Old!!

Not much time......
There are 47 of us.
We have a few more low IQ'ers in our midst.

New to AFL2004 is TeaSea.    He reckons he's a chance of winning because he is not going to tip with his heart......
..........he's going to tip with his convictions, which JLP understands are of a minor nature.

Knoseman has sniffed us out.        Invigorated by a new found attitude reminiscent of the days when he had hair, had money and no-one driving him mad Knoseman has put his midlife crisis behind him and accepted the conversion from Rugga to ping pong.

Snap Shoota is a newbee to tipping.    Mug money.

Snap Shoota got his nickname when he was eight, the day he played his first game of footie.   If Snap Shoota got the ball he had a shot at goal.....simple as that.!
It mattered not to him that his own behind post may be but inches away, nor did it matter that he could not even see his target....once he got his hands on the pigskin a big hoof at a six pointer was the only tactic that Snap Shoota would ever consider considering.     No amount of screaming from LeftTee, or other better positioned teammates could induce Snap Shoota to pass the ball.        To the dismay of his subsequent coaches and the delight of opposing teams Snap Shoota has maintained the same playing technique with pathological determination to this day.
It is still a regular occurrence for Snap Shoota's team mates to demand his hands be checked for araldite at half time.

Running Smoke is another newboy.      Note though that unless you are shooting for the woodie RunningSmoke represents no threat to AFL2004 Tipsters.
Running Smoke is not very bright...but he can lift heavy objects.  

Net Stalker is an unknown quantity to Tallyroom personnel.      Net Stalker just appeared out of the internet.      It was quite apparent that he had dissected the AFL2004 website before making any contact because when Net Stalker spoke to Tallyroom personnel he explained to us our own Wildcard Rule.     A Rule which we ourselves do not yet fully understand.      What The Hell...??!!!      What's going on all of a sudden...??       Who is this Dude..??      CIA..??    Mafioso.??    Roo Supporter..??    Serial Killer..??...
What to do..??      What to do..??      AFL2004 has standards..!!
Were it not for the fact that we had already drawn the line at Anglicans JLP would not have banked Net Stalkers cheque.

Head Prefect reckons he's got the winning formula for AFL2004.     Head Prefect has delegated tipping responsibilities to one of his minions.       Standard public school procedure.

Incredibly most of the old-timers are back....and I am including here the really really old timers like JimB.

When 9Teen66 accepted a start in AFL2004 he predicted, with a calm confidence, that he may well achieve podium success this season.           How could 9Teen66 possibly think that...??
At no stage in this blokes tipping history has there been any evidence of tipping competence.       We don't have a podium position for mediocrity in AFL2004.

The imposing SirGee was late in confirming his acceptance.
This was because he had no transport available to get him to an internet cafe.      His family have come to the rescue and all chipped in a few bucks.     The new horse float, complete with re-enforced axle, is arriving next week.

For the umpteenth time Wazzadon is back.      Wazza has never won a cent in all the years that he has played our AFL game....which, in part, explains the annual difficulties JLP encounters when extracting fifty five bucks from him.    Beware though, Wazza may be a threat this year.    He's chirpy, happy and confident.     Just last week JLP saw Wazza strolling in the city with a good looking woman on his arm...."Nice tattoo" JLP said when Wazza stopped momentarily to explain that he didn't have any cash on him.       As he strolled away  Wazzadon looked a confident fellow indeed, drifting through the lunchtime crowd looking for pockets to pick.

WetandWild is back....she reckons her tipping will improve this year now that the long awaited Foxsmell Digital Revolution is here to help her get a few new angles on the game.
JLP suspects that the prospect of a revolving digit will so distort WetandWild's tipping that she may as well acknowledge now that it's the woodie she's after.

While on the woodie.......To date there have been no declared starters for our prestigious Woodie.     This comes as a great surprise to JLP.      AFL2004 is riddled with inept Tipsters.....surely at least one of you has the sense to move quickly so as to capitalise upon your stupidity..???

Time to go.....no time, thank goodness, to comment upon PerryWhite or TheSaint or Wheels and their perfect rounds.
(,,,ok ok....PerryWhite I can understand....but TheSaint and a shiela tipping a perfect round...????   Did I miss a blue moon this weekend..??)

The Prizemoney Link will be updated for AFL2004 winning positions and prizemoney sometime over this weekend......if I don't get too drunk.

That's gotta be it this week.
Tallyroom personnel are on a go-slow for a few weeks.
JLP

O4...Apr.15...Tallyroom..04 

Even Scarlett Is Scoring Well...!!

Yuz musta been missing me.      Been busy.
Damn new educational system.
They don't do exams anymore...you gotta do stuff as you go.
Makes cheating that much harder.    That's why I been busy.

First and foremost.....JLP's extends his thanks to the many dumbarsed Tipsters who missed the earlier tipping deadline for the crucifiction weekend of footie.   Don't you guys go to church.??
Do you really need me to write to you every week to tell you to TIP EARLY and other basic footie facts that any bowl of breakfast cereal has within it's mental capacity...???    Idiots..!!

Those greedy amongst you will have noted that the promised Prizemoney Link update never happened.      I just haven't started cutting and pasting yet.    It should be soon.  When it is finally updated you will see that, for those Tipsters who fall into the averagely mediocre category, which some of the more intellectual amongst you could actually aspire to, that the Tallyroom has created a new prize (at the expense of some other prizes)....the middle spot in our Tipcomp.....24th position.    There's money there..!!    When the link is finally updated you can all get to check my math. 

Big week in AFL2004 just gone by.
Something amazing happened.....FastForward tipped a perfect round.      Over many years of footie tipping at no stage has JLP ever seen anything which would incline me to believe that FastForward could pick eight from eight...and then she tacked on five wildcards to spice up her perfect round.    That has given her a trampoline powered kangaroo jump up the Ladder from the woodie to seventh spot.      FastForward won't need JLP to tell her that she has peaked too early.

Also amazing...Brownose in the top five.     Brownose..???
Surely that cannot last.     It must be some sort of abberation.
For many many years Brownose has been a sub 30 Tipster.

And....still on the subject of early peaking many will have noticed that first round leader Wheels is already starting to lose her grip and slide down the Ladder.

Our current leader Hardyakkatoo....who was within fifteen seconds of tipping his second draw, almost had AFL2004 all sewn up.    We should all be grateful for the Dons late goal.      Had that not happened Hardyakkatoo would have been fifty points clear of second spot.   From here on in JLP is going to have to treat Hardyakkatoo with respect.   That's going to be really  hard..!!

This is looking like it is going to be a tough year to win.    Perfect rounds are a dime a dozen, Wildcards are eeezie peeezie and everyone who is tipping is scoring good points.   Mind you, the tipping can't be all that hard...even Scarlett is scoring well.

The leading pack should not get complacent.     There are plenty of patient Tipsters lurking within striking range of the lead.    Stickhead is a particularly good lurker.    Drawing on the experience of his years of peeking through Kings Cross curtains in the wee hours to spice up his sexlife,  Stickhead lurks ominously just outside the money spots.

The fashion nightmare PuntersPal is also thereabouts.
And there's a heap more.    HollywoodHunk, as you would expect, is thereabouts.    No worries with 'Hunk though.    He will undoubtedly shoot himself in the foot by forgetting to tip somewhere in mid season.

Wazza is there too....but again...Tipsters should bot be concerned.
As with TheSaint, Wazzadon's destiny is to never win a prize.
Whatever happens this year you can guarantee right here..right now that, come end of season, both Wazza and TheSaint will be one place away from the money.

As for the the newies... the unknowns...  no worries there.
SnapShoota and NetStalker, two Tipsters who JLP understands can take a blow to the head better than most, are the best of a bad lot.    They share 17th spot...and are dropping fast. 

What else has been happening..??   Knoseman has gone into the wine making business.   JLP was given  a sneak pretaste of Knoseman's booze before it hits the bottlo shelves.   JLP can confirm that Knoseman has come up with a killer wine.    JLP has suggested that Knoseman calls it Hen-Hooch...'cause you lay where you drink it.    According to Knoseman his competitive edge is that he stomps the grapes himself....(with feet that have never been washed and scalpel sharp unloved toenails that lacerate the grapes so severely that you can hear the grapes shrieking as he starts to take his socks off).

Times Up..!!!    Gotta Go.
Tallyroom go-slow will now continue.
Back in two or three weeks.
JLP is off outa Sydney this weekend.

ps.......for the dickheads....
TIP EARLY..!!
JLP

O4...Apr.30...Tallyroom..05

Education, Politics, Votes & Coffee.

You gotta believe that this is an election year.
The pollies are pretending to bend over for the proletariat.

Jonnie HowHard resplendent in his Arnarni suit, which exquisitely covered his Schwarziehelpme bulletproof vest.....(wisely worn, thinks JLP, you just never know......there might be an American in the country)    .....dropped into the Uni looking for the votes of the dope smoking greenie leftie radicals who's future he has already rooted.

To have Jonnie exposed to as few students as possible they set up an early morning Q&A session.    Started out really boring.
The only people happy were members of the Young Fiberals.   It was obvious which of them had been picked to ask the prearranged questions of their mighty one because they were the ones concentrating so hard that the look on their faces made them look as if they were masturbating.     Dickheads.!!

Everybody knows that our PM's time is valuable.
Normally first thing Jonnie HowHard does every morning is have his radio chat with the Tarts Tart so he can preach to the brain dead on Adback Radio.
We at the the Think Tank felt privileged.

Twenty minutes into Q&A some bloke down near the front, apparently a reject of Adback Ozzie philosophy, jumps up and asks of the vested one........"Sir...My name is Witherspoon.... One question....Did we invade Irak because they made up that they had weapons of mass destruction or did we make up that Irak had weapons of mass destruction so that we could invade them??

The recess bell rang loudly.     We filed out for coffee.

The Q&A was reconvened half an hour later. 
Straight away a bloke on my left gets up and asks "Mr HowHard, Sir, just to finish the question before the coffee break.....Did we invade Irak because they made up that they had weapons of mass destruction or did we make up that Irak had weapons of mass destruction so that we could invade them??.....and also, Why did the recess bell go twenty minutes early..??"
The guy went to sit down then jumped up again and said.....
"Oh...and Sir....where's Witherspoon..???"

Ominously, the lunch-time bell rang.

On reflection perhaps JLP should adopt Vodkaboy's philosophy on voting..."if you're dumb enough to vote you're dumb enough to believe them"

The Ladder..The Cane Toads Are Croaking.

JLP leaves for a few weeks and comes back to a disaster area.
What the hell happened.    SirGee is tipping on steroids.
He is nine points clear of PerryWhite who hasn't screwed up on a wildcard.....yet.

Even Wheels, who tips with the care of a trapeze artist without a net, can't stay in touch.

On the positive side....the lurkers are still clinging on.
It will be fun to watch the leaders crumble.

Round six and still no Tipster has nominated the Woodie..???
What gives with you lot.??    Can't you see..??
As Tipsters you're useless....use that information wisely.

Gotta go again.....be back in May sometime.
JLP is determined to update the Prizemoney Link asap..ish.

The only thing for sure and certain about AFL2004 is that, despite being the odd thirty or forty points off the lead, Tipsters should know that JLP feels like Gulliver in Lilliput.

JLP

O4...May.17...Tallyroom..06

Will WetandWild Woo Woodie.??

JLP has had it to the back teeth with SirGee and the mob up top.
Instead lets have a quick update on the AFL2004 alsorans.....

Still no nominations for the Woodie.    Why not...???
What is it with you lot...???    You are supposed to be a pack of footie freaks and you are behaving like bloody fitness freaks.
Get realistic.!!         Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body saying 'Excuse me please, Jesus, check this body out'....no way.....you wanna, slide in, gasping, thoroughly used, totally worn out screaming ..." OOOHhhhh Geeezusss what a trip!".    So is it with AFL2004.
Come out of the closet you mob...The Woodie awaits.
You are only young once.....but you can always be immature.

There are many among you who should reach for the Woodie

Last time that we discussed RooBoy we established that a thought had crossed his mind....and that it had been a lonely journey.
Has RooBoy improved..??      No way..!!      Just look at the Ladder and witness yourself that RooBoy has deteriorated to just a shadow of the wreck he once was.

As for FastForward, she should 'fess up and admit to hankering after the occasional woodie.       In her latest attempt to overcome her physical disadvantages and try to improve her appearance to the opposite sex FastForward has adopted the philosophy that "beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder".  Resultantly, FastForward is spending a considerable amount of her spare time down at the local pub, looking beautiful, and getting too smashed to put in decent footie tips.

And what can be said of MoonGoon...well, he obviously can't tip...though, in his defence, there are some that think that, under the proper medication, MoonGoon can mimic human actions.     Great Woodie material.

To distract her from her miserable start to AFL2004 WetandWild treated herself to a night on the town last month.    Wearing her newest cologne, about three litres I am told, she emitted fragrance rays that were visible to the naked eye from the southern border.
JLP cannot understand why WetandWild has not yet declared herself a runner for the AFL2004 Woodie.
She certainly comes well credentialed.    Her tipping is appalling.      It seems fairly obvious to Tallyroom personnel that WetandWild should just come grab our Woodie, and save herself a small fortune on perfume in the process.

And what has happened to Onya...??     Seen her tips this year.?
It is obvious that her brains have become terminally corroded by the combination of balmy weather and organic food.???

RunningSmoke should call the Woodie.    RunningSmoke doesn't really care how he goes in AFL2004.     To decrease his anxiety levels RunningSmoke has taken on a slower relaxing lifestyle.    He now enjoys sailing, which is the slowest form of travel known to mankind with the possible exception of Sydney traffic.

Speaking of traffic, PerryWhite spends half his time being a well known investigative journalist and the other half trying to park his car.....how does he find time to tip..?

And....still on the traffic BlacktownPete is another who should consider the financial benefits of the Woodie.    After a snappy start BlacktownPete has fallen away quicker than he burns rubber on tar.    Despite driving the zippiest, blackest, sportiest and fastest marital aid with wheels, BlacktownPete just can't get home in time to tip.

The Tallyroom awaits Woodie self nominations.

A few things before time runs out.....
.......The Prizemoney link has been updated.
(and proof read by Wheels..!!)
......For JLP it is exam time.   Tallyroom is on strike till early August, by which time JLP will have established a comfortable lead in AFL2004.

......And, in conclusion.......
This time JLP is not lying or making any idle promises..!!!
This is a vow.!   A core promise..!  Unchangeable and irrefutable.
I am definitely 100% definitely changing TAB's.
Why..??   PuntersPal caught up with me again last Saturday.
JLP had to stand next to PuntersPal......in full public view..!!
Wearing pants that a clown would refuse to put on because the were too undignified and socks that were obviously dyed from something involving atomic waste PuntersPal left JLP with an image that will haunt me the rest of my life.
......And his tipping is worse than his dress sense.

I'm busy.......Gotta find a way to cheat....I'm outa here.
JLP

O4...Jul.14...Tallyroom..07

Things You Should Know....!!!

In light of this 'blue moon' tipping performance by SirGee and the laziness of JLP in depriving Tipsters of their weekly footie reports AFL2004 is as boring as watching a Carlton game.        Where the hell is AFL2004 this year..???     Have yuz missed the stories..?? Missed the in depth analysis of current events..??      Missed the excitement of thinking that you might actually catch the leader over the next few rounds..??      Or have you missed JLP's incisive character analysis of your opposing Tipsters. ..??    Don't get your hopes up.            Unless SirGee's tipping deteriorates drastically nothing is gonna change.

Basically, unless you are overweight and obnoxious there is no joy in looking at the AFL2004 Ladder.      You would be excused for assuming that its all over red rover for the AFL2004 prime podium position.    SirGee is ruining AFL2004.     JLP confesses that it does look ominous.    Things look like getting much worse before they get worse.

Because footie reports are getting less frequent than 9Teen66's beloved St Kilda winning a game.. ....(but still more frequent than JimB changes his underwear).... JLP will take this opportunity to tell Tipsters all the things they really really need to know to pull in some cash come seasons end.      Wake up..!!    Pay attention..!!

These are the things you should know.....

.... HeadPrefect is a medico.   One of the old fashioned types.    He worked his way up from doing autopsies to being able to charge an arm and a leg just to get him to take your phone call.   In memory of the tough old days HeadPrefect still keeps an atrophied brain in a jar of formaldehyde on his desk.

....There are only seven more rounds of the Home and Away left.
Brain dead tipsters, such as LunaTick, should pay particular attention to that simple fact.    The last thing any Tipster wants to be doing is using seven or eight wildcards in one round.
The window of opportunity of using all your wildcards wisely is rapidly closing.     Whether you finish in a prize-winning position or not you will get neither cash nor glory if you have not used all your wildcards before the end of the Home and Away season.    That honour, and cash, will be shared by those closest to you on the final Ladder.

....Not everyone dislikes SirGee.......though JLP hastens to point out that not everyone has met SirGee.

....If you ever find yourself in a legal corner and are in need of a theatrical defence Scarletts soliciting skills come highly recommended.     When he's off duty Scarlett is handy with a six pack and a remote.     But when he dons a wig Scarlett makes Perry Mason tremble. 

....BlacktownPete has thrown his hand up for the woodie.
For BlacktownPete $100 bucks is $100 bucks.
Don't get me wrong here....I'm not saying that BlacktownPete would sell his mum........but he'd certainly rent her out.

....RunningSmoke has confided to JLP that his target is the much coveted 24th possie.    The thing you should know is that RunningSmoke, three months before seasons end, actually believes that he will win that prize.    JLP suspects that someone has slipped a little hydroponic green into RunningSmoke's peace pipe.

....The real AFL2004 action seems to be  around second spot where Wheels is taking on all comers.

....Moongoon has complained about the lack of GallupPolls in AFL2004.

....While contemplating an AFL2004 GallupPoll JLP realised that us Ozzies are going to have to vote in an election soon.     JLP suggests you don't get too excited.   If voting changed anything there wouldn't be any voting.

....FastForward, who must have been born on a planet where you never stop talking, week in week out moans incessantly about the lack of footie reports.     As regular as YellowPeril's water torture FastForward nags Tallyroom personnel each Tuesday.

....It appears that another evil Tipster has embedded himself in AFL2004.     Evil Tipsters, for the uninformed, are those Tipsters whose sole reason for playing is to beat JLP.      Sharebare, who makes no secret of his feelings towards JLP, is a prime example of an evil Tipster.    GallupPoll responses evidence that Sharebare has long been a JLP hater.    Apparently TeaSea  is also driven by the desire to put the tipcomp sword to JLP's neck.

....To those Tipsters who gape at the Ladder in awe of SirGee bear in mind that the point scoring system will change during the finals series.    There will be significant movements up and down the Ladder.     Watch out SirGee, ask any golfing shark.......Even unbeatable leads are sometimes not enough..!!

....The majority of Tipsters have already lost interest and are resigned to the faint hope of securing one of the mediocrity prizes.

....JLP predicts that TheSaint, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, will again miss all money places.

....GeeGee, who is no doubt planning to tip another miracle last round, is one of those die hard feminists that would burn her bra while she was wearing it.      GeeGee reckons that behind every successful man there is an amazed woman.

.....JLP thinks that any women behind Hardyakkatoo would probably be inflatable.

....Scarlett was ill last week so dropped into see HeadPrefect for a check-up.     Scarlett insisted on discussing the brain in the jar on HeadPrefect's desk.....

Scarlett....          " Where'd you get the brain from.?"
HeadPrefect....." The last autopsy that I performed."
Scarlett..."Wow..was the patient alive when you did the autopsy.?"
HeadPrefect....." Off course not.!!"
Scarlett..." Well..ha ha ha....I doubt that he's alive now..!"
HeadPrefect..... " Don't be too sure about that......some of my colleagues think that he could still be alive and practising law out there somewhere."

.... Perhaps Tipsters should be concerned about NetStalker who has been ominously quiet.   Almost unnoticed NetStalker has wormed his way up the AFL2004 Ladder.

That's it for now.....much shorter next time.

Watch this space....Moongoon has influence......
.......I feel a GallupPoll coming on.

JLP

O4...Jul.24...Tallyroom..08

Uni's Back....Last Chance TeaSea..!

To celebrate his perfect round Snap Shoota decided to take a bottle of wine home to drink with the wife.      At the bus stop he bumped into LeftTee, who eyed the bottle of wine.
"It's for the wife." said SnapShoota.
"Nice trade." said LeftTee.

The fat arrogant bloke called the Tallyroom this week.
SirGee's head is getting so big that it will soon show up on radar.       Though, that may not be such a bad thing....it will at least be catching up to the rest of his body.        Call me bitter and twisted if you will........but any prize that JLP may send SirGee at seasons end will include two hula-hoops which SirGee can use to hold up his socks.

School holidays are almost over.      The think tank calls.
Tallyroom personnel intend to hibernate harder.
For AFL2004 Tipsters the future looks even bleaker.

MoonGoon is one who will be disappointed.       MoonGoon is so excited at the prospect of a GallupPoll that his antennae are harder than Luna Dolomite.    All week MoonGoon has been bombarding the Tallyroom with inane suggestions for a GallupPoll. MoonGoon's most intriguing suggestion for a GallupPoll question was to ask Tipsters 'how children know not to put hot light globes in their mouths.?'        For a while there JLP was considering this as a GallupPoll question when a light globe must have appeared above my head as the answer dawned on me .......(because as children drift off to sleep they hear....."turn the light out before you stick it in my mouth.")       MoonGoon's worst GallupPoll suggestion was for Tipsters to nominate the date of the election and why it will be called.

Having mentioned elections.....JLP again encourages you not to get too excited about the upcoming elections.    Remember......We are talking politics here.      Politics, as a full time profession, has it's origins in ancient Greece where the rudiments of professional freeloading were laid.    Significantly, the word politics is derived from two words which the Greeks nicked from the Latins.......     
........Poli (the many) and Tics (blood sucking creatures)

The accounting department thinks that all Tipsters except, off course, Wazzadon have now paid for AFL2004.     As a point of interest Wazzadon did recently confirm (for the third time) that he had mailed in his subs for AFL2004.      JLP knew instantly that it was not true.     When it comes to paying out money you can always tell when Wazza is lying........his lips are moving.

Despite the lack of footie reports the Tallyroom still, sadly, gets communications from Tipsters.          For a long while there JLP had no word from KiwiBob.       A deliverance of peace for JLP.    It had to end.        The most recent communication from KiwiBob confirms many of JLP's long held suspicions in regard to the South Island gene pool.       Apparently KiwiBob's eldest son's cousin, Ewegene, got married late May.     It was a disaster says KiwiBob.  The marriage lasted only a few hours.          KiwiBob tells us that Ewegene came bashing on his door in the early hours of the wedding night shouting out  " Uncle Uncle..!!   She's a virgin.    She's a virgin."     Being the proud man that he is KiwiBob immediately pulled the boy inside as he told him  " The marriage is off boy.........if she ain't good enough for her family then she ain't good enough for ours!"

That's not the only marriage this season.    There's been another wedding.    Closer to home.    One of our own.      Partner went to Malta a free spirit but after three days in the midday sun went mad as an Englishman and took the vow of the chain. 

Other news from the ranks of the ordinary....
With the assistance of 9Teen66's olympic contact, Kon Chord, LeftTee has finally found himself a golf club that would accept him.       Knowing what LeftTee is like as a golfer JLP can only assume that LeftTee's application to join the club must coincide with some sort of plan to increase, substantially, the number of bunkers on the course. 

Scarlett returned recently from a trip to an equatorial island where he swam regularly in shark infested waters.
Why, you ask JLP, did the sharks not attack Scarlett..??
JLP assumes it must be due to professional courtesy.

LunaTick had a party last month.....boring.......no atmosphere.

Which Tipster really really really loves their alcohol..??
Ok..Ok..dumb question.   We all do.         I'll start again....
.......Has anyone had a beer with TeaSea lately..??
JLP did......and witnessed a love of alcohol hitherto unheard of.        At one stage during the afternoon a fly landed on TeaSea's beer.      JLP was just about to wave it away when TeaSea grabbed the fly by the back legs and frantically shook it over his beer as he screamed at it  " Spit it out.!!  Spit it out.!"        For the rest of the day JLP took great care to not spill any beer for fear of being required to lick it off the floor.

What else..??     Brownose, the kinda guy you take an instant aversion to because it saves you time in the long run, has been surprisingly prominent on the footie ladder this year.      JLP cannot understand this.     Brownose has been mug money since the day he greased his way into our Tipcomp, through the back door.

Time to go.    Back in a month or so.     In between footie reports you may care to watch the Olympics on TV.   If you do the drug cheats should be fairly easy to spot..........they will be the athletes wearing medals.

JLP

O4...Aug..23...Tallyroom..09

Got Any Questions...??

As JimB would be the first to point out the penultimate Home and Away round has been and gone.    The serious end of the season is now very much underway.      JimB, incidentally, is one of the many Tipsters who kindly keep records of the goings on in our Tipcomp and who rush to tell JLP if ever any errors are made.
As far as JLP is concerned people like JimB don't grow on trees......they swing from the branches.

JimB says that there are things you should know.......
So......Listen up.....Time is short.....

According to the shabby records here in the Tallyroom the opportunity to use all AFL2004 wildcards has just gone for BlacktownPete.       For the spectacularly bad Tipsters....and here I am talking about the likes of MoonGoon, FruitTingle Macman and quite a few others....this is an amazing stroke of luck.      The woodie, unlike Wheels wettie, is now wide open.

For JLP communications twixt Tipsters and the Tallyroom reached an all time low a few weeks back.    Tipsters couldn't get on the e-mail quickly enough to mention, with savage glee , that JLP had lost all chance of victory in AFL2004 after dropping three wildcards in round.19.     ShareBare was the first to shout lustily and loudly that the final whistle had blown on JLP's season.     Bastard..!!    As far as JLP is concerned ShareBare should save his breath for his inflatable girlfriend.          FastForward was another who was particularly bitchy.     JLP assumes that being a bitch must give FastForward more satisfaction than Hardyakkatoo.      Brownose, whose head whistles in a crosswind, was another to gloat unmercifully.

MoonGoon seems to be the leader of a conspiracy to resurrect GallupPolls.       Many Tipsters......FruitTingle, Knoseman, TheSaint to name a few, are keen to fight and match wits with JLP.     Sorry guys JLP has principles.....JLP will not fight against anyone unarmed.

Nevertheless it seems that quite a few Tipsters are missing the opportunity to publicly share their thoughts...(for RooBoy read thouht)...by means of our GallupPolls.    JLP confesses to being rather slack in regards to GallupPolls ever since we dropped the e-mail format and ventured onto the web with our Tipcomp.     It is too late in the season to ask Tipsters any GallupPoll questions... .....and anyway this seasons rules preclude any points being given, or withheld, for GallupPoll responses.......maybe next year(???).

In the meantime JLP has checked out our website and is thinking that the site is looking shabby and that it needs some sort of an update.   In particular the FAQ page is looking tired and out of date.
Therefore......as a novelty GallupPoll.....for no points whatsoever....Tipsters are invited to submit to the Tallyroom any vexing questions which they are incapable of answering themselves.....of which there should be many.      JLP will consider your questions and, over the summer months inbetween hangovers, JLP will prepare responses to your queries for inclusion on our FAQ section.    To submit your questions click on the e-mail link at the top of this page.

Dragon has complained to the Tallyroom that she hasn't felt well since last weekend.     JLP doubts that it is anything serious.      Dragon probably wrestled in a batch of stale jelly again.

Oh.....also....word has it that Stallion finally got lucky last weekend when he somehow convinced a filly to go home with him for the night.      Good luck to ya Stallion......but...Stallion...can you please tell JLP how two people can fit under the same rock.

How good is it that SirGee has finally vacated the top slot on the footie Ladder..??    He,  Like JLP, can now give up on winning AFL2004.      This is actually good news for SirGee.    He can concentrate more on his new job as a trainee sumo wrestler.

All Tipsters.....for the umpteenth time....please note......
the point scoring system changes in the finals series.

It has been suggested to JLP that the Tallyroom should be more gracious when commenting on Wazzadon.      Apparently, to supplement his income, Wazzadon recently did a stint of contract work for Dr Ongo.    According to Dr Ongo we in the Tallyroom should be more sympathetic to Wazzadon because Wazza is almost  one hundred and fifty years old.    Dr Ongo established this startling fact after he added up the charged hours on Wazzadons timesheets.

Time's up.     Gotta go again.
Back late September.
JLP.

O4...Sep..27...Tallyroom..10

A Message From Gerd.

Here we are at end September already and AFL2004 is over.
At this stage of the tipcomp, in years gone by, I would draft an apology to Tipsters for all the insults that they have had to endure through the year from JLP.
Not so this year...(except maybe for SirGee).

My apology this year is to all Tipsters for my lack of literary involvement in this years Tipcomp.    Sorry.!!    I really was too busy to put 'pen to paper' on a weekly basis.

Happily, judging from the e-mails and calls to the Tallyroom no-one really noticed and the Tipcomp ended up being exciting for most right through to Grand Final.....which is what it is supposed to be.

Thank you all for playing.    It has been another fun year.

Now that I don't feel guilty about not coming up with a footie report each week, as I did at seasons start, I can confidently say that AFL2005 will be a happening thing next year.
You are all very  welcome to participate in AFL2005.

Cheques for the prizewinners will be posted during this week.

Thanks to all
Gerd
and....to wrap up the season a final word from JLP....

A Dickhead Wins It...!!

After waiting for over twenty weeks to dislodge SirGee from the prime position all Tipsters were disappointed to find that, after such a long wait, all that happened was that another dickhead came along and took our prestige and our money for season 2004.    Brownose, whose main claim to fame until Grand Final day 2004 was his insignificance, has grabbed top podium possie from the rest of us more deserving Tipsters.    Bastard..!!

SirGee, exhausted by all his gloating, finished a tiring second.
The fashion nightmare, PuntersPal, grabbed third spot.
Wheels also got cash...but little glory...with her fourth place, though she can lay claim to a claytons first prize of sorts when flashing her new Wettie.     
Serial winner HareJelly (aka Pokemon) got cash again this year.

The mediocrity prizes went to mediocre Tipsters...(except 15th.)
GeeGee, as she has done in years gone by surprised everyone with her last minute surge into a money position....this year 10th.
LeftTee and Dragon shared the spoils of 20th possie.
Incredibly RunningSmoke got into the money by finishing in 30th spot.        More amazing is TheSaint who finished in the money for the first time with his 35th spot.....finally rewarded after only ten years of trying.        And, for the second year in a row Scarlett got himself money.
The off the planet Tipster MoonGoon stitched up 45th spot.

And the Woodie, courtesy of BlacktownPete's inability to log on and tip on a regular basis, and disqualifying himself in the process,  went to the most undeserving LunaTick.

Our industrial strength mediocrity prize, 24th, was shared between the infamous JLP hater ShareBare and previous winner Hal2004.

There were hardluck stories aplenty.....

PerryWhite who started so well must have forgotten to pay his brain bill sometime round mid season 'cause that's when he started dropping out of contention.

No-one fully explained the rules to newboy HeadPrefect who missed tipping in the crucial two week round in May....which knocked him out of the potential prizewinners.

JimB missed the money again by finishing ninth.
Onya is screaming blue murder at not getting 24th prize......just because the tipping Ladder says she finished 24th.    Claims of cheating by JLP are resonating down from the Queensland phone companies.      Mind you....claims of cheating by JLP are not uncommon.    Just talk to ShareBare.

Probably Hardyakkatoo and FastForward are hurting more than most at finishing out of the money......though, it is their own fault....read on...

Can you believe that FastForward and Hardyakkatoo have been seduced by the lure of an extra quid in the Sydney real estate market..??   It's true.    Mid August, when they were both big chances at finishing in the AFL2004 money, they decided that house renovations were the go.    Plans were drawn up and submitted to their local Council.     Now we've come to end September and AFL2004 has dealt them a cruel blow they have decided to look for other ways to come up with the lettuce to pay the builder.