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Mar.15..Tallyroom..1..Pre-season
YOU ARE HERE…… AFL2003
Congratulations upon having gotten this far.
Welcome
Tipsters to AFL2003.
You are
now at the hub of the lunatic fringe, the Tallyroom, from
where we run AFL2003.
The fact that you have succeeded in getting this
far is a testament to our instructional skills.
This
is the spot where any and all AFL2003 news will be broadcast
to Tipsters
You will
note a number of links on this site…..for the moment only
two links, How To Play and Rules, will get
you anywhere.
Having
factored in the intelligence level of Tipsters in AFL2003
JLP has intentionally activated only these two links at
this stage.
To have
any chance of top spot on the AFL2003 podium, and end up
with a sackful of loot, all Tipsters, new and old, are encouraged
to familiarise themselves with the information in Rules
and How To Play.
After
you have absorbed the info in Rules you will know
your username and password to access the tipping site.
Look
around now so you know what you are doing later.
6:00
PM Friday March 28 is the deadline for tips for Round.1
of AFL2003.
That
gives you less than three weeks to learn a few simple things.
For many of you time is running short.
JLP
Mar.22..Tallyroom.2..Pre-season
Tipsters Contemplate Tactics
And Strategies.
What
has happened to the world.??
Everything has gone crazy...!!!
JLP is confused. The worlds best rapper is a white bloke….the worlds
best golfer is a darkie…the world is scared that any war
with North Korea will initiate yet another series of M*A*S*H
re-runs.......and, unbelievably, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war.
Meanwhile.....the world watches
anxiously as the evil Dictator, sharpening his weapons of
mass destruction, responds to the challenge.
Has the time come..??
Will the Globe finally be free of the threat of biological
warfare. ?? Will
the threat of nuclear combat be no more..???
Will this be an end, once and for all, to the reign of terror
of yet another child eating despot..??...or has Iraq bitten
off more than it can chew..??
Other contests also are afoot......Siren
time for season 2003 is now less than one week away.
That means that the AFL2003
round one Tipping deadline is even closer.
Assuming that Tipsters have
mastered the complexities of navigating their way through
the AFL2003 conglomerate of websites now is an appropriate
time for Tipsters to contemplate their tactics in the pursuit
of glory, honour and negotiable currency..(this may be barrels
of oil).. in this years comp.
To this end we in the Tallyroom,
ever benevolent, offer Tipsters, new and old, some advice.
Put your tips in early...you
can change them or not, as often as you wish...but at least
they will be in.
Be Patient In Playing Your
Wildcards..!!!
You must use all your Wildcards
to be eligible for any prizes.
Do not despair if you seem
to be a long way off the Leader....be patient....the Ladder
tends to change significantly during the course of the season.
Because we do not yet know
how many starters we have this year Prizemoney allocations
for AFL2003 have not yet been concluded.
However you should be aware that there will be a $100 prize
for the Woodie..(last) and some fifty dollar prizes spread
throughout the Ladder specifically for the less mediocre
of you to aspire to.
Tipsters wanting to intentionally
win the Woodie should set about this task early in the competition.
Winning the Woodie will not be easy....you all have some
seriously incompetent Tipsters as rivals.
Some of you may have noticed
that some of the Links on this website actually work.
This is as amazing to us in the Tallyroom as it is to you.
Hopefully our lucky streak will continue and all AFL2003
links will be operative by end March.
For Tipsters who are still
confused.........Now is the time to ask any questions..!!
JLP
Mar.31..Tallyroom.3..round
1
Like Dragon...The Starters
Gun Bangs.
Footie's back.
The big men, flying, have unsheathed their Sherrins.
AFL2003 Tipsters salivate at the prospect of September fame
and glory.
Acceptances have been declared.
We number forty five.
In (almost) alphabetical order.....
9Teen66
BlacktownPete
BlueVicar
Brownose Cocomum
Dragon
Dr Ongo
ELjai
FastForward
FruitTingle GeeGee
GirlFromMelb
HareJelly
HardYakkaToo
Hal2003
JimB
HollywoodHunk JLP
KiwiBob
KrustyRoll
LadyGong
Left Tee
LunaTick
Macman
MoonGoon Multivac
Numbers
Onya
Ozipom
Partner
Perry White PuntersPal
RooBoy
saddaM Scarlett
ShareBare
SirGee Stallion
Stickhead
TheSaint
Vodkaboy
Wazzadon
WetandWild Wheels
YellowPeril
Tallyroom personnel were surprised
at some of this years acceptances.
We have some new blood again
this year. Victims masquerading as Tipsters..
To these new Tipsters....Be
warned. You cannot win.
You have entered an upper echelon of footie tipping.
An echelon so high it will give you vertigo....
Dr Ongo leads the new
load of victims into the asylum.
No-one should worry about new
boy LeftTee, who can't do anything right.
Goldcoast madame, Wheels,
whose other car is a broom,
has driven in.
Scarlett is also playing.
Scarlett is not a madame. Scarlett
is a madman.
" I have been hanging
around footie grounds for years " says confident new
girl,
WetandWild. " When it comes to footie...If
it's sweating and breathing I'm onto it."
Do not expect too much from
the man from the orchard, FruitTingle.
9Teen66 has also embarked
on our pilgrimage to September.
No reasons for concern with this bloke...he is either living
in the past
or a shadow of his former self...JLP has yet to determine
which.
We cannot be bothered introducing
all of the old timers....
Previous winners Stallion
and BlacktownPete have signed up again.
JLP is hereby formally warning both of them that if I have
any trouble
with either of them this year I am giving their address
to the Mormons.
Perfect round expert JimB, and his faithful hoard
of disciples are back.
RooBoy and BlueVicar,
brothers in alms, have each donated $55.
KrustyRoll is playing
again. This is somewhat surprising to
JLP.
Surely, after last years tipping efforts KrustyRoll,
would never have
wanted to be seen in public again. JLP
presumed that she had jumped
onto a September flight to Afghanistan to get her face behind
a veil.
Even Perry White, the
kryptonite nightmare, is back.
Wazzadon is back as
well. He says he's going bald.
Don't worry Wazza...the more hair you lose the more
head you get.
Representing the pompous and
arrogant....you guessed it, SirGee.
Dragon is back.
She's leading after round one. Whoopee.
JLP will ask Christopher Reeves to give you a sitting ovation.
There
are more of you...but I doubt that you are worth the ink.
If
you want to know what you will win....the Prizemoney link
now works.
JLP
Apr.5..Tallyroom.4..round
2
Footie Can't Be Fixed.
Geez....there was a bit of
excitement in downtown Warrawee last week.
The local paper boy was hit by a car.
The female driver was distraught,
Half the crowd were dumbstruck. The other
half were frantically racing each other for their mobiles
so as to be the first one to phone an ambulance.
The boy, clutching at his leg, was howling hysterically. JLP moved quickly....a free paper is a free paper.
Has any-one bothered to read
a Paper lately.??
If so I hope it was better than the one I nicked,
which was big on propaganda and light on intelligence.
Mind you, it was probably a good read for mentally challenged teenage boys, budding serial
killers and well heeled Texans.
World
news was we have to pay more taxes and that the yanks haven't
won the war yet. Why
haven't the yanks won already..??
It has been almost two weeks.
In retrospect, we probably
shudda sent in the Israelis...they know how to run a war
to a snappy timeline.. 6 hours or 6 days.
Then we could have let the yanks in to do what they do best......which
is sharing out all the fat re-development contracts to God
loving mid western companies.
JLP
is concerned that the glorious leaders of our coalition
of goodness, righteousness, peace and profit have given
insufficient thought to the consequences of a protracted
conflict....if we don't secure Baghdad soon where in the
hell are we gonna get our taxi drivers from..??
The
political section was just what you'd expect......Crap.
Primarily it was full of leaked quotes from men who should
be in cabinets congratulating each other on the brilliance
of their decisions.
Decisions which apparently are aimed at meeting Ozzie John's
twin goals of multi-culturalism and keeping out the penniless
hordes of child drowning refugees.
Basically the political section confirmed what
JLP has always known .....not every ozzie politician is
corrupt .....some of them are just insane.
It
was when JLP finally located the sports section that the
headlines got really ugly. AFL players
will be fined if they fix matches.
It's true.!! JLP read the article.....twice.
The words charred the page as though they were written in
glowing coal. Horror
of horrors. AFL blokes can't fix
matches anymore..!!!! How
bloody rotten is that. If the cricketers
can fix their matches why the bloody hell can't the AFL
boys.
There would be hell to pay if Mark Wor was a full forward.
Picking
winners just got harder.
JLP
Apr.12..Tallyroom.5..round
3
We Have A GallupPoll !!
The GallupPoll Link has been activated.
JLP is interested to see how the cumulative
IQ of AFL2003 Tipsters compares with Tipsters of years gone
by. To
this end, this week, for the first time in over two years,
we have a GallupPoll.
Three valuable AFL2003 points are up
for you to grab. All you have
to do is e-mail the Tallyroom an answer to this weeks GallupPoll
question before midday, Saturday April.19.
The Tallyroom will not
accept any late responses. If we don't get your
answer on time you do not get the three points.
Tipsters, particularly GeeGee, KiwiBob and
Ozipom...pay close attention. If
your answer is not received before the deadline we will
not believe you sent it.!!
Cut and Paste forgeries, two days
late, will give JLP a laugh, but will not earn you any points.
Have any Tipsters noted the
ongoing fascination our society seems to have with the sixties.??
JLP looks forward to the day when people
will stop saying how
good the sixties were. What's the big deal about
the sixties..?
Back when
Mick Jagger was only in his fifties.. ....when we all thought
that an Englebert Humperdink concert was exciting... ...back
in the days that it took the hide from only one cow to make
a leather jacket for SirGee.
During the sixties FastForward
frequently confided to her friends.."better late than
pregnant".
The sixties was when our great
Ozzie Leaders, probably acting on information they received
from a fortune cookie, actively encouraged young Ozzie blokes
to do a tour of South East Asia.
For
Macman, most of the sixties was spent practicing
alone in his bedroom, mastering the twist.
Stickhead peaked
cerebrally during the sixties.
It occurred to him that an idle mind is the best way to
relax. Stickhead hasn't stopped
idling since.
Wheels, who had
her first real ride in back in 1969, says that the
cars were bigger in the sixties, a fact enthusiastically
confirmed by WetandWild who swears that the backseats
in those days had more legroom.
For Hal2003 the
sixties were spent like every other decade....dreaming about
2001.
It is already apparent
to all and sundry that 9Teen66 was permanently traumatized
during the sixties. This would go a long way to explaining
his current condition.
JimB may remember 1966.
I think that was the year he traded in his wooden teeth
for a new set.
In
the sixties youthful revolution was in the air, personified
by youngsters at the cutting edge, like RooBoy and
Saint who did stupid and reckless things...like becoming
Roos supporters.
Sixties
Leader of the Sheilas Liberation Front LadyGong protested
her way through the whole decade screaming "A
Miss is as good as Mister" to anyone not burning a
bra.
In
1969 MoonGoon had visitors.
They stayed a few days.
He didn't have any oil reserves so they didn't bother with
him.
JLP believes there are some
of you who, despite your best intentions, totally missed
the sixties...only
emerging from a haze of substance abuse
sometime during the seventies when the Columbian drug lords
got greedy and ramped the price up to over thirty bucks
a gram.
And...there will be those of
you who spent 1966 burping up milk so you will remember
very little except, perhaps, what a good meal you can make
out of a nipple.
Whatever.....Enlighten the
Tallyroom. Share your sixties experience.
For three AFL2003 points the
GallupPoll question is....
What significant experience did you have during the sixties
?
You have until midday Easter
Saturday to email your answer
to the Tallyroom.
JLP
Apr.21..Tallyroom.6..round
4
Round Five starts on Anzac
Day.!!
(Your tips are due before midday Friday.)
The Ladder !!
By now, Four rounds in to AFL2003,
most Tipsters will have comprehended just how far out of
your depth you really are.....even Lloyd Bridges can't save
you.
So far we have only two confirmed
runners for the woodie. Judging by your
tipping efforts over the first four rounds JLP cannot understand
why there are not more of you.
After yet another mediocre
start in yet another mediocre tipcomp Macman, the
mind game king, has already reset his tipcomp goals and
has committed to making a grab for the woodie in AFL2003.
From New Zealand, KiwiBob,
who thinks he's at a strip show when anyone shears a
sheep, has confirmed he is making another run for the woodie
this year.
As for the rest of you...face
facts. Your chances of winning are the
same as being alone in a bathroom with King Carey... rooted....so
you may as well start now and try get yourself into the
appropriate position to take the woodie at the end of the
year.
YellowPeril,
so ugly his parents made him wear a mask long before S.A.R.S.
became a popular excuse for taking a sickie in Hong Kong,
is one diabolically bad Tipster who should be trying for
our woodie. At least he won't need
a magnifying glass to see the hundred bucks.
LunaTick,
seeing MoonGoons unbelievably stupid wildcard
tips over the first three rounds, couldn’t let such an embarrassment
go unchallenged. LunaTick played
seven wildcards in round four, a tactical move which has
which has left him floundering in our wake, somewhere between
the sea of Tranquility and the pool of Hopelessness.
It is inevitable that these two intellectually unremarkable
Tipsters will also be contenders for the year end woodie
in the not too distant future.
And what about newboy, with
the girls name, Scarlett.
Has anyone checked out his tips..?? If
they gave out air miles for bad tipping this bloke would
be the first man on Mars.!!!
As for the other end of the
Ladder.....
After this week’s perfect round Onya, now
sedated and resting quietly in Brisbanes home for the bewildered,
considers herself a podium chance.
Dragon also thinks she
can win this year. She had a dream that
she won AFL2003. She is absolutely
convinced that her dream will come true.
JLP has news for you Dragon....Martin Luther had
a dream too.
Maybe we should concentrate
more on Leader ELjai.
Her tipping is rigid and disciplined.
ELjai likes to think of herself as efficient. (
So were the Nazis.) ELjai has paid
her dues.
After a lucky start JimB
thinks this is his year. Ever
confident, JimB thinks he has honed his tipping skills
to such an extent that AFL2003 represents the starting point
for an offshore trust fund.
FruitTingle, so irritating he can make your
teeth itch, continues to cling to a spot near the top of
the Ladder.
Somewhere in the middle of
the Ladder......
Last years winner BlacktownPete,
who would make a great Chief Executive for the Ku Klux
Klan, can be marked down as a spent force.
Many time loser saddaM has
everyone confused.
Embedded in AFL2003, saddaM initially chose
to keep a low profile.
He did not tip for three weeks.
This brilliant tactic had him comfortably holding last place
below the crusading hordes of Christian Tipsters.
In round four saddaM, submitting tips for the first
time, gave away his advantage.
Born again property developer
ShareBare is so preoccupied with his occupancy that
he was dumb enough to drop two wildcards in one week....something
that brought joy to the heart of JLP.
New girl WetandWild is getting sloppy already.
This
year RooBoy is even more erratic than in previous
seasons. JLP
would not have thought that to be possible.
JLP
Easter Three For All !!
Forty five responses to the
GallupPoll helped Tipsters raise the scoring standard for
round four.
The response was damn disappointing
to JLP who had been hoping to get a three point jump on
at least a few of you. Your responses
to the Poll will be posted onto the GallupPoll link..soon.
Our next GallupPoll will be
far less obvious. Hidden and Disguised.
Hopefully, by that time, most of you will be too bored
and uninterested to bother to respond...even if you do find
it.
JLP
Apr.27..Tallyroom.7..round
5
Hawthorns Master Stroke
!!
As footie followers all over
Oz know Hawthorn is the team of first choice if you want
to lose a 100 point lead quickly.
If you are looking for a coach killing team you need
look no further than Hawthorn.
For years footie, involving
players, coaches and a couple of St John's Ambo volunteers,
has been a Saturday arvo institution.
This year JLP has noticed that
there has always been an ambulance, complete with an emergency
medical team, at each of the Hawthorn matches.
Initially JLP presumed that the ambulance was there instead
of the St Johns boys to assist Hawthorn fans, deranged people
like PerryWhite and HollywoodHunk, to recover
after Hawthorn gets its regular weekly thumping.
On reflection though...why would anyone send an ambulance
to help any Hawthorn supporter...they are obviously already
beyond help.??
Initially, unlike the gunk
in Harejellys hair, nothing seemed to gel.
Then JLP put the pieces together.
Hawthorn, the games best heart breakers have a coach with
a gammy heart.
The ambulance is not for Hawthorn supporters....it is for
the cholesterol infested Hawthorn coach.
VodkaBoy, who thinks
his parents are an ATM machine, is of the opinion that the
ambulance is an advertising ploy concocted by AFL heavyweights.
VodkaBoy might be right.
Leaving in doubt whether or not the team coach dies from
a heart attack during, or just after, a game of footie is
just the kind of thing that will bring supporters from the
other codes flocking to the AFL in droves.
In todays competitive environment for the sporting dollar
this may be an AFL master stroke.!!
Saturday arvo footie on the telly would rate through the
roof. Lets
face it, in our hearts we are Ozzies.....who amongst us
can resist a good episode of Survivor.??
Introducing real life drama
will also make the game fairer.
The cheating AFL judiciary may be able to give three weeks
for gouging, biting, kicking, head-butting or some other
pussy charge, but they sure as hell can't give you three
weeks if you die for your team.
To top it off, Hawthorn, with
Hawks Nest Funerals as their major sponsor, will be
out of the red.
There is little doubt.
The AFL is secretly preparing us for its next exciting innovation
to our game...bedside interviews after the match.
JLP
GallupPoll News !!
There is none.
JLP has parted with some hard
earned to to have a shot at the lucrative purse offered
at 9Teen66's annual Colourclub golf Dehli where the
best golfers never get a zac and the more serious hackers
invariably get amongst the cheques.
Being a golfer in the serious hacker category JLP, at one
point, considered himself a contender.
Unfortunately JLP's golf game has gone off the boil to such
an extent that onlookers think it has frozen.
This untimely lapse in form has forced JLP out of the Tallyroom
and onto the fairways in a last ditch effort to learn how
to avoid those embarrassing airswings.
Your GallupPolls will be up
when my golf improves.
(hopefully by the end of this week.......but, being realistic,
sometime before the Taj Mahal crumbles to dust!)
JLP
May.5.Tallyroom.8..round
6
Politics God And The Law
!!
As JLP fingers his keyboard
big things are afoot.
On the religiously political
front our proud and moderately honourable Gov General, Dr Wallyworth has shown himself to be a man of the pendulum.
The good Doctor, a wonderful role model for those afflicted
with tunnel vision, finds it just as easy to forgive the
clothed Raper as he does to forsake the Rapee.
Unable to defend himself for fear of an increase in his
insurance premiums Dr Wallyworths huge ego is currently
being publicly squeezed by all and sundry instead of being
privately massaged by the chosen ones.
On the hard core political
front....Over at the homestead, deep in the heart of Texas,
our own Jonnie HowHard is going stroke for stroke with the
big Yank as they ruminate over weapons of mass destruction.
In AFL2003, not before time,
leader ELJai is cracking.
Meanwhile deep in the southern
highlands of NSW the Goulbourn minimum security jail, a
place BlacktownPete once called home and, indeed,
not entirely unfamiliar to Scarlett, is sprucing
up its lawns in preparation for new inmates.
We all know that Renay Rootem,
the best insider trader since Rodney the Adder was forced
onto the sidelines, is headed for five bear years in the
Goulbourn lockup. Who Else..??
JLP expects Hardyakkatoo,
whose prime mission in life is to avoid physical labour,
will soon be on the road to Goulbourn.
And surely Sharebare will also end up in the southern
highlands...his tipping is certainly heading him in a southerly
direction.
Many citizens of the free world
would like to see Jonnie HowHard win a term or two in Goulbourn. JLP does not agree with this scenario.
JLP would far prefer him to be sent to an institution where
there is an electric chair already installed.
MInd you, unlike Wazzadon,
the prime minister in the bullet proof vest is nobodys
fool. JLP suspects that staff
at the Lodge have already been instructed to forward any
invitations from Goulbourn directly to the PM's personally
chosen representative, the moderately honourable Doctor Wallyworth. At that
point in time Goulbourn will turn into a hellhole.......worse
than being trapped in a lift with an Amway selling Jehovas
Witness.
The Ladder Gets Tight..!!
There are only four points
between first and fifth. 30th
possie is only twenty or so points off the lead.
Many Tipsters still have hope....albeit misplaced.
Since Onya tipped her
perfect round and moved from the mediocrity of 24th to the
heady heights of second place she has been in a happy go
lucky frame of mind. Lounging on the Gold
Coast in her favourite yellow thong...the one that requires
a touch up shave each time she wears it, an overly confident
Onya is now giving more tips than a can of asparagus.
Tallyroom personnel are anxious
to thank a number of Tipsters for their frivolous use of
wildcards over the early rounds.
An enthusiastic KrustyRoll has already blown five
of hers. MoonGoon, ShareBare and LunaTick
were amongst the first to shoot themselves in their
respective feet. More recently JimB
also shot himself in the foot....but he used an AK47 to
do it.
Our compliments too to GirlFromMelb
and Multivac who consistently, quite independent
of each other, manage to pick the same stupid losing wildcards
every other week.
Happily newboy LeftTee,
a man who can charm birds out of trees.. ..vultures,
buzzards, plummers.....has had an unpleasant initiation
to wildcards.
The way PerryWhite is
using his wildcards you would be excused if you presumed
he was going insane.
Entrenched on campus 9Teen66,
who had an early wildcard bombed by the Dons has now learnt
that, like golf, life and the economy, wildcards weren't
meant to be easy.
There are a handful of Tipsters
who have yet to use any wildcards.
These foolish few...I'm talking to you here Wheels
had better get into first gear pretty soon.
( I can't believe I haven't
put up your GallupPolls yet.!! )
JLP
May.11..Tallyroom.9..round
7
JLP For Governor General
!!
This whole Governor General
thing has gone too bloody far.!!
The situation has gone beyond untenable...it is unelevenable,
and climbing.
It looks as though the only way we are going to permanently
move Dr Wallyworth from Yalumba is if we nuke the bloody
place.
Assuming we can eventually
prise the embattled Anglican out of the Queens Ozzie office
now is the time for Ozzies to consider the future direction
of our banana monarchy.
We gotta get ourselves a GG that can resurrect our glorious
past. One that can take us
back to the days when we were a great country, when Menzies
was Ming... ..when the White Australia policy was our benchmark.
With the standards for the
role of Gov Gen having been re-calibrated by the present
incumbent we need look no further than AFL2003 Tipsters
to find a new man, or shiela, for the job.
Whom amongst us would we nominate..??
We could do worse than propose
Stallion to take up the reins.
Or...what about GeeGee.??
If nothing else she has the name for the job.
Wheels is known as a
big deal in the velvet hallways of the exclusive Ram-Poon
Club, Queenslands foremost Strip Canasta venue.
With such strong leadership credentials Wheels may
be worthy of nomination.
Were we to disregard Scarletts
lifelong affair with the fermented red grape he too
could be proposed.
Undoubtedly LadyGong would
make a noise in the job.
If you gloss over her penchant
for the green havana FastForward, would make a good
candidate.
Or perhaps we should nominate
PerryWhite, one who is comfortable in the spotlight
of the media.
And what about HardYakkatoo.
He is foreman material... ..and he has had experience
with children.
Pause and consider before proposing
Ozipom, Hitlers secret daughter.
For obvious reasons YellowPeril
is not an option.
What do you think..!!?
Who should we nominate..??
We have a GallupPoll..!!!!
For three AFL2003 points tell the Tallyroom....
Which Tipster..and why... you
propose as our next GG.?
Responses to be in before midday
Saturday May.24.
( Yea..I know its 2 weeks..I
need that long to finish the last GallupPoll ! )
Note please that nominations
for either RooBoy or JimB are discouraged.
These sons of Genghis Kahn have had the audacity to take
it upon themselves to give opinions to the Tallyroom on
matters relating to AFL2003.
Unlike JLP these Tipsters have the potential to be crazed
by power.
JLP
(If unasked JLP will humbly nominate, and second, himself.)
We Disgrace Ourselves Again
!!
No perfect rounds....again.....this
week.
With mediocrity as our goal
AFL2003 Tipsters are excelling ourselves.
We've been doing this stupid thing for almost ten years
now and we still tip like shit.!!
Top Tipster this week was the man with the pictures of sheep
on his walls, KiwiBob, who is shooting for the woodie.
Be Ashamed..!!
One good thing about the week
is that ELjai, as foreshadowed last week by Tallyroom
statisticians, has hit the skids big time.
Toppled from the lead, she has even lost her grip on the
wettie.
Mind you ELjai is not
skidding anywhere near as impressively as FruitTingle
whose minus seven score this week sent him from 4th
to 24th. Both Macman
and KiwiBob are starting to worry.
JLP suspects 9Teen66 accesses a handy stash
of wine before he tips each week.
This weeks one point effort pretty much verifies that.
In fact, 9Teen66's access to his wine stash would
also go a long way towards explaining his unstoppable high
spirits and distinct lack of caution around a racetrack.
With all other Tipsters crashing
and burning HareJelly, the sms king, is our new Leader.
Having finally found his level
LunaTick is last...
......at least something is going right.
JLP
May.18..Tallyroom.10..round
8
GallupPoll Link Updated..!
Relief permeated the Tallyroom
this week after responses to the GallupPoll from round.3
were finally posted onto our GallupPoll Page.
To see the sixties through the eyes of AFL2003 Tipsters
you need only click onto the GallupPoll Link.
To avoid disappointment don't expect too much.
More good news is that the
Tallyroom is right ontop of replies which we have already
received to last weeks GallupPoll question.
Don't miss out.!! Three points are up for grabs.
...(deadline
this coming Saturday..!!)...
Being in such an unfamiliar
state of preparedness JLP is confident that all responses
to the current GallupPoll will be posted onto our GallupPoll
Link in record time....say...less than one month.
E-Mails To The Tallyroom.
Invariably, during the course
of the footie season the Tallyroom is plagued by a variety
of irritating queries from Tipsters.
Week in week out.... requests from Tipsters begging guidance
flood the Tallyroom inbox along with all the other useless
internet spam that necessitated the invention of the delete
button.
Very rarely do we bother to
read your gibberish. JLP particularly
tries to avoid e-mails from PuntersPal, who is referred
to by insurance insiders as a nasty piece of compo.
Despite taking all precautions
the following query from PuntersPal, at his offensive
best, showed up in our inbox.....
...." Dear
JLP......I have a problem.
As you know I am an retired
SP Bookie. I have recently
become engaged to marry a gorgeous Filipino Lady almost
thirty years my junior with whom I have been corresponding
for some time. She will arrive in Oz soon
and has asked me to arrange accommodation for her in, or
near, Kings Cross.
I love my fiancée very much.
We intend to marry as soon as
possible. She has convinced
me to invest in a business in Kings Cross that she says,
with her experience, she will easily be able to manage.
My parents house is in the
suburb of Kemps Creek.
Unfortunately my father and mother have recently been arrested
for growing and selling marijuana and they are currently
financially dependent upon my two sisters, who are still
selling dope on the Sydney pub circuit.
I am hoping that my sisters will get a regular job soon
because that will help, more than anything else, to get
them off the methadone.
My two brothers cannot help.
The elder one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
at Pentridge for an accidental murder which happened during
a Westpac robbery gone wrong, way back in the early eighties.
My younger brother is currently awaiting trial in a Thai
jail on, what he tells the family, are fabricated pimping
charges.
I love my fiancee and I know
that the only way we can be sure of our future together
is if I am totally honest with her about my family and my
lifestyle.
My problem is..can I be a hundred
percent honest with her.?
Should I tell her that I am a Tipster in AFL2003..??
Kind Regards
PuntersPal "
The Tallyroom will respond direct to
PuntersPal in regard to this query.. ...as soon as
JLP can source a fuse.
Tipsters Respond to Critics.
In an extraordinary form reversal
AFL2003 Tipsters did not disgrace themselves this weekend.
After averaging barely six
points each last weekend AFL2003 Tipsters bounced back in
round.8, amidst a chaotic frenzy of wildcards, to hit an
average of almost 16 points each.
In fact, were it not for the plummeting FruitTingle and
the tragic excuse for tipping being presented to us on a
weekly basis by SirGee, we may even have set some
sort of record.
Dr Ongo must have taken
a break from his medication this week.
In one of his best weeks of the year Dr Ongo scored
21 points, courtesy of three judicious wildcards.
PuntersPal was another
Tipster who successfully gambled three wildcards in round.8.
ShareBare, HollywoodHunk,
Ozipom were other Tipsters who bit the bullet this week
and played three wildcards as they tried to close the gap
on our two runaway Leaders.
Desperates Stallion and
VodkaBoy went one better.
They risked their whole season when they each used four
wildcards in round.8.
Wazzadon showed that
he is no drongo by being the only Tipster to tip a perfect
round. With this weeks two successful
wildcards and perfect round bonus Wazza has climbed
into twelfth spot, twelve points off the lead.
On the flip side, Dragon
can confirm that AFL2003 can be a cruel place.
Dragon was lying third last week, three points off
the lead. This week, after having tipped seven
winners Dragon finds herself in seventh spot and
nine points off the lead.
Life's a bitch.
We are almost a third of the
way through the season. Historically,
In our tipcomp, if you are within forty points of the lead
at this point in proceedings you are a contender...( Wazza
finished third in AFL2000 and was almost fifty points
behind early in the season).
Using history as our criteria in this season even PerryWhite,
assuming that he becomes more adept with his wildcards,
is in the running.
JLP
May.26..Tallyroom.11..round
9
No Pain No Gain!
Footie clubs and States all
cheat in different ways.
In Qld they try and pep their
guys up with rare air. Queensland
is a crass, noisy and disgusting place, and the people
there are even worse, so it is no surprise that the best
way of cheating that they can come up with is rare air.
Over in the west Freeos secret weapon for years
has been to send complimentary Travacalm tabs, by the bucketload,
to visiting eastern teams, thus assuring Freeo of a home
win.
South
Oz, in an off season move to lure the best talent from Melbourne to
their footie team, decided against appointing three Adelaide
vice captains this year and instead opted to double the
number of bathrooms in the city to lure The King
from North Melbourne.
In Sydney, while the rest of
the country has been religiously focused on matters sexual
and political the Swans have been dealt a trump from the
bottom of the deck..!! An
enlightened NSW government, after confirming that all promised
kickbacks had been deposited into their respective offshore
trust accounts, have legalised Acapulco Gold, and its herbal
cousins, for the treatment of pain.
At Long Last..!!
This is the kinda incentive
that our Sydney boys can respond to.
Pain can be arranged. Home games
will have the St Johns Ambo contingent on the sidelines,
complete with stupid grins, busy rolling the medicinals
as the Swan players drive hard into every ruck, hoping for
some sort of serious injury.
Even better a melee at the SCG won't be handbags at ten
paces any more. As of now
you can count on the Sydney boys to make every effort to
get themselves a fist or knee in the face at the first sign
of a melee. To this end sledging lessons
for the Swans from the Ozzie cricketers have already been
scheduled.
Tally-Ho....the year of the
Swan is upon us.
JLP
GallupPoll Helps Government.!
Today the Land girded by sea
is looking for a GG.
Courtesy of our recent GallupPoll
the AFL2003 Tallyroom has on hand our penultimate List of
nominees for GG. We anticipate
a call from Jonnie HowHard, seeking much needed guidance,
later this week.
Our timing, as is the norm, is superb.
Obviously national security
concerns prevent JLP from releasing the names of any nominees
at this time. By the
weekend, after the Prime minister has consulted JLP, our
List of GG nominees will be available exclusively to AFL2003
Tipsters by way of our GallupPoll Link.
Its been a bumpy week on the
AFL2003 Ladder. Onya
dropped from the money zone of the Ladder almost as quickly
as she rushed into it. HareJelly
has edged ahead of the silicon smoking Hal2003 in
their current battle for the lead.
No reason for concern here...both these Tipsters are peaking
way too early.
This week one time winner Stallion
had another amazing week on the tip. Stallion
notched up 22 points in round 9.. ...but it shudda been
25.!! JLP, as no doubt are
many other Tipsters, is delighted that Stallion neglected
to respond to our recent GallupPoll, which has cost him
three points.
There were many other respectable
scores this week. BlueVicar,
yours truly, LeftTee and GeeGee were amongst
the Tipsters to score around the 20 point mark.
This weeks big mover was YellowPeril,
who, only three rounds back, was floundering amongst
the bottom five in AFL2003.
YellowPeril picked a perfect round this week and
then spiced up the occasion by bringing home four wildcards.
Now, at the conclusion of round.9 YellowPeril has
come out of the bamboo and is ominously poised in sixth
position only 7 points off the lead.
While all this is happening
JimB, as many a bleary eyed host will tell you, just
won't go away.
JLP
June.01..Tallyroom.12..round
10
AFL2003 Hacked..!
Wild and unsubstantiated accusations
of cheating were levelled against JLP again last week.
Bitter Tipsters, none of them American, thronged the Tallyroom
demanding evidence be made public about the AFL2003 W.M.D.
(Website Melt Down). By
e-mail, doubt and aspersion has been cast upon JLP.
By phone Slander and Libel have been more popular options.
Fantastic stuff.!! All in all, it
has been one of the more enjoyable weeks for JLP and the
Tallyroom team.
As we get into winter, more
than a third of the way through AFL2003, Tipsters new and
old will have noted that JLP, in footie tipping, as in life,
operates on a superior cognitive level.
Winning AFL2003 is but a trivial formality for JLP...(so
much so that I have already spent the money).
Therefore, now is the time to consider an achievable target
for yourself in this years tipcomp.
For most it will now be impossible to get the woodie.
KiwiBob and Macman, both woodie aspirants,
are having all sorts of trouble in trying to underscore
LunaTick who as recently as yesterday told me he
thought he could win. I KID YOU NOT..!! ......(
his exact words...."No
No Champ, you don't understand... I've used all my wildcards.
Now I'm one of the serious chances. ...Just watch.")....
Tragic..!!
Don't despair though, there
are plenty of mediocrity awards for you to savour and look
forward to come end of season.
Occupants of the money positions on the Ladder after each
round are updated early..(ish) each week on the Tallyroom
page. This week, examine that Ladder
and decide on a spot which you are capable of achieving....then
go for it.!! (JLP anticipates that the road
to fortieth spot will be very congested.)
One who won't be looking at
fortieth is LeftTee who put his psychological problems
behind him this week and tipped a perfect round, topped
off with two wildcards. TheSaint
also tipped eight winners this week, a sure sign that the
family now has him under control.
Oh...as for the W.M.D....the
internet can be a dangerous place.
Last week AFL2003 was hacked into and crippled for thirty
six hours. We do not know who did
it except that they are evil people and that they eat children
and that God hates them.
Multivac, AFL2003's
tactical W.M.D. response squad of one, was able to
drive the hackers back by re-hacking into AFL2003 and embedding
pictures of his unwashed underwear in all AFL2003 data files.
The hackers quickly fled, alarmed by the obvious lack of
hygiene. Our thanks to Multivac.
It was always going to be a dirty fight and none come
better qualified than Multivac for that kind of confrontation.
Tipsters need have no further
concern about the hassles encountered this week.....by next
week we hope to have in place a less intrusive way of cheating.
JLP
ShareBare Vows GallupPoll
Revenge..!
How good was the round.7 GallupPoll..??
For years we have had a one week time limit for our GallupPolls
and during these years we have accumulated very few significant
victims. In Round.7, despite the
fact that the GallupPoll was open for two weeks we took
more meaningful scalps than in any previous GallupPoll.
What a fantastic development.
With such an outstanding result JLP is seriously considering
extending the time on all future GallupPolls.
In Round.7, as well as the
usual rollcall of Tipsters such as Brownose and saddaM,
who seldom respond to GallupPolls Stallion and
ShareBare also missed out on three points.
This is excellent news for other Tipsters because both ShareBare
and Stallion are Tipsters capable of reaching
the dizzy heights of an AFL2003 podium position.
Sharebare couldn't get
on the phone quick enough.
First thing Monday morning, In a voice that could be heard
on Mars, ShareBare screamed into the phone..."What
bloody GallupPoll..??" Stallion,
who also missed out on three points stooped, to accusing
Tallyroom personnel of cheating. His e-mail...("Typical
dodgie stuff from you JLP. I have always said that
the AFL comp has been rigged ever since the year I won.")...has
all the signs of a bad loser.
All things considered, it was
a fantastic GallupPoll and JLP is sorry that it has not
yet been posted onto the web. It will
be.
Quite soon..(ish..!!).
JLP
June.08..Tallyroom.13..round
11
Vote Early And Vote Often.!
The greenies are talking about
the Franklin river again.
Meg Lease has declared herself available to fake sincerity
for any electable cause, providing there is a twelve month
option thrown in. Ozzies Prime Ego,
Jonnie HowHard, has announced that we idolise him so much
that, as a personal favour to each and every liberal minded
Ozzie, he will stay in the Lodge forever....or at least
as long as it takes to get Oz involved in another three
wars.
And now.....The fat man wants his job back.!!
The warning signs are in the air. We are in
an election year..!
Elections just keep coming
at you out of nowhere. Mind you, we have
been having elections for years and we should be used to
them by now. We
even had elections during the great depression, which was
such a grim period that it was always filmed in black and
white.
AFL2003 Tipsters have differing
views on elections.
As far as FruitTingle
is concerned the whole election process is too drawn out.
Mind you, He has a short attention span...for him even instant
gratification takes too long.
Wazzadon is a regular
informal voter. Understanding a ballot
paper is just another of life's obstacles that Wazza
has yet to overcome.
HardYakkatoo is a man
who takes his voting seriously.
To contemplate who to vote for in any upcoming election
HardYakkaToo went into a think tank this week.
He almost drowned.!
Election time or not...you
can count on Numbers.
A resigned Onya says
that it doesn't matter which way she votes she is always
being screwed by the system...she feels like the systems
bitch.
When it comes to elections
you can safely ignore any thoughts Stickhead may
have...mind you when it comes to pretty much anything you
can safely ignore any thoughts Stickhead may have.
KrustyRoll refuses to
vote until they introduce flouro orange ballot papers.
If this seems odd bear in mind that the most prized piece
of furniture Krusty owns is an oriental chair which
she bought with the help of an interior decorator...in a
failed attempt to become tasteful.
WetandWild doesn't mind
a Japanese election.
saddaM is of the opinion
that elections are overrated.
The last time BlacktownPete
voted he had to go to the doctor on the way to the polling
booth. He contemplated his vote
as he sat in the waiting room, scaring the hell out of the
other patients.
JLP has never liked elections....no
matter who you vote for a government always wins.
When the election is announced,
If you are unsure as to who to vote for in this years election
feel free to contact the Tallyroom for guidance.
If you want a second opinion just ask your local candidate...he's
probably clinging to your leg right now.
JLP
The Ladder.!
The inevitable has happened.
JLP
June.15..Tallyroom.14..round
12
Wildcarded Again !!!
Sometimes, round about halfway
through the footie season, you hear a little voice in your
ear saying.." This is the week to use your Richmond
wildcard."!!
JLP suggests you do not listen to this voice.
It is the voice of satan.
Another weekend of botched
wildcards has claimed the 100% wildcard record of a few
more Tipsters. Now, halfway through the
season, most Tipsters have lost a wildcard.
Almost all of us have felt the pain.
BlueVicar is a true
believer. He regularly tries to
convince JLP that Jesus walked on water and has no time
for JLP's theory that the walking on water bit was rigged....it
was winter. Until round 12
blind faith seemed to be paying off for BlueVicar.. he
had eight outa eight wildcards.
This week BlueVicar took his eye off the ball...
...instead he felt the collywobbles.
HollywoodHunk, who likes
to boast that he can't do a nude scene on TV because the
screen isn't big enough, is in the spotlight.
'Hunk has played seven wildcards, all successfully.
Harejelly, who stuck
his head out the car window last week and was almost arrested
for mooning, is another who has seven out of seven.
The much feared Ozipom
has six from six.
Brownose also has
not lost any wildcards. This is primarily
because Brownose has not played any wildcards.
In fact Brownose has only bothered to tip a couple
of times this year and JLP doubts that Brownose even
knows wildcards exist. Brownose
is what we, here in the Tallyroom, prefer...an uninformed
Tipster.
Wheels certainly has
an eye for detail. Put a comma out of
place and she grabs the moral high ground, assumes nagging
rights, and harangues the Tallyroom with a relentless barrage
of e-mails. To JLP it is quite apparent that
Wheels is in the advanced stages of training to be
some poor unfortunates wife. She
may even have some unsuspecting innocent in mind.
Let's hope for his sake that he is deaf as well as dumb.
LeftTee, who has complained
to the Tallyroom that the words in the footie report are
too long, is another Tipster who had his weekend tipping
ruined because he listened to the whispers from hell.
The AFL2003 Leaderboard may
finally have seen the last of JimB who dropped another
two wildcards this week....JOY..!!
Dr Ongo's tipping could
do with a bit of work. This is unlikely
to happen. As a child Dr Ongo had
a lazy eye. Over the years
it has gradually spread through the rest of his body.
As for SirGee...what
can we say.?? If his tipping
is any indication you could believe that he has been inhaling
the paint thinner again this year.
Oh..this
week's top tipster was VodkaBoy, who forgot to tip.
(I hate that..!!)
JLP
Hibernation Time..!
After only two weeks into a
Sydney winter Ozipom emphatically stated that she
wanted to get away to an island for a few weeks.
JLP suggested Alcatraz. (The
scars are still healing.)
A short time later, after further discussions on the subject
of holidays, JLP better understood Ozipom's requirements.
Ozipom had in mind a
less restrictive island. She had in mind
an Island off the Indonesian coast.. ..a location which
JLP had to veto because I am concerned that we may land
on the island on the day that Nike let their workers out
for their annual look at the sun.
The end result of these, mostly
amicable, discussions is that JLP is heading outa Sydney
to a place of Ozipoms choosing.
X-Rays have been stapled onto the Tallyroom walls.
Our skeleton staff will be manning the Tallyroom until further
notice.
JLP has learnt from previous
years. This year there are no AFL2003
points on offer to Tipsters who volunteer to write the weekly
AFL2003 update. This year JLP is
going to win and no way is the Tallyroom giving away any
cheap points to any Tipster...no matter how far down the
Ladder they are.
If JLP can locate an internet
connection after we land on Gilligan AFL2003 may or may
not be updated.
E-mails to the Tallyroom are unlikely to be responded to.
If panic sets in...contact by mobile might get through.
JLP
June.21..Tallyroom.15..claytons
round..(players sickie)
Lazy Gene Gets Worried !!!
If you read the Tallyroom report each
week you will know that JLP was born with a hyperactive lazy gene.
As a consequence JLP has superhuman abilities in the art of putting
things off. JLP has been known to put things
off until two or three years after the last possible minute, often
actually forgetting what it was that was put off.
Lateness rivals sloppiness as my main genetic quality.
The best way to combat the hyperactive
lazy gene, besides getting married, is to arrange a holiday.
The resultant immediate financial demands of actually going on a
holiday activates a cattle prod type of trigger upon the worry gene,
whether hyperactive or not. The frenzied worry gene
then drives the hyperactive lazy gene out of your body and into the
bodies of your children who, if they are anything like VodkaBoy or
HareJelly, are obviously already dealing with their own
virulent infection of the lazy gene.
For AFL2003 Tipsters this years worry
gene attack upon JLP has decreased the deficiencies of AFL2003 because
JLP has finally been able to produce the long awaited AFL2003
GallupPoll update......(remember...round.7..??).
OK...OK....If you read the Tallyroom
report each week you will also be aware that there are a number of
other deficiencies, many of them regular, with AFL2003, that JLP has
yet to attend to. A Wildcard update, perhaps.
An accurate Ladder on the front page. ..And ...yes, yes Wheels,
we know that our punctuation is not what it might be.!!
Let's not get sidetracked here and just
concentrate on the most recently rectified deficiency........The
round.7 GalluPoll.
Missing GallupPoll points during the
season can bring out the dark side in some Tipsters.
It certainly does with ShareBare.
In his most recent e-mail on the round.7 GallupPoll Sharebare
went the whole nine yards and exercised the full extent of his
linguistic abilities for one final comment on the matter.
".......Fuck You JLP..!!!"
(HA..!!...like I haven't
heard that before.)
To see which of us rated a nomination
for GG go to the GallupPoll Link. (...Stickhead...When
answering future GallupPolls you don't have to write a bloody book.)
Note that, for our malicious enjoyment
only, we have included a small sampling of the thoughts of ShareBare
to prefix your round.7 GallupPoll responses... thoughts that did
not get him any points.
That is pretty much it.
There's a holiday to deal with. JLP has located the pub. There's
a beach out there. If the smoke signals from this place
keep on working for me you can check in next week to keep abreast of
happenings AFL from the strip of gold twixt the mount and the
mere...next to the pub.
Oh....by the way.....I've been
thinking.....If you do read the Tallyroom report each week, you are
probably in need of some kind of therapy.
I'm JLP
....and you're not.
June.29..Tallyroom.16..round
13
Beer ~versus~
Pussy !!
The good thing about paradise is that
there is not much to do. AFL is a major
non-event out here. There are no wild
cards...they have all been domesticated. There
is no stress. Normally JLP would take
the opportunity to stop and smell the roses...but this is not possible
because the hotel forgot to plant a rosebush in the main bar.
All is not lost, however.
Paradise has given JLP opportunity to reflect upon an issue even
greater than horticulture. An issue in urgent need
of an answer.
An issue close to the bone of any true
blue Ozzie...
........What is better...Beer or Pussy..???
Herewith follows JLP's worksheet on the
subject...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage ~ Beer.
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage ~ Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage ~ Beer.
Too much head makes you mad at the person pouring your beer.
Advantage ~ Pussy.
If you change to another beer, your old brand
will gladly have you back.
Advantage ~ Beer.
You can open a beer in two seconds.
You can take months to open a pussy.
Advantage ~ Beer
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage ~ Beer.
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage ~ Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage ~ Beer.
Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage ~ Pussy
If you think all day about your next pussy you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer you are an alcoholic.
Advantage ~ Pussy
If you come home smelling like beer......
...The Woman might get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy......
...she will definitely get mad.
Advantage ~ Beer.
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage ~ Draw
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and don't want to drive.
Advantage ~ Pussy
There you have it.....you be the judge..!!
As for me....I'm not sure....I gotta do more research.
JLP
( Was there any footie this weekend..?? )
Jul.6..Tallyroom.17..round
14
Somethings Never Change !!!
What gives with this changing world..??
Have you noticed that nowadays any Leaseholder in any Shopping Centre
is apparently legally entitled to try and deafen innocent passers by
with an aggressive barrage of what is supposedly music..?
Has anyone noticed that Insurance companies have now adopted a
strategy of advertising their wares but never actually providing them
before declaring themselves bankrupt.
The world has gone bloody crazy....next
thing you know we'll have the Ozzie cricket team playing
Bangladesh......in winter.
We can take solace though that some
things never change....the quota of monumentally dumb Tipsters in
AFL2003, for example, has remained impressively high.
JimB's winter weekends are spent
listening to the footie, playing cards, having a few bets and
periodically checking himself for fleas.
This year is just like every other year. He can't
take a trick with his footie tipping and, according to Onya,
the best way to stop a runaway horse is to get JimB to have a
bet on it.
Dr Ongo has been giving lousy
tips all year. Mind you Dr Ongo doesn't give
much away. In point of fact Dr
Ongo is so cheap he asks for a receipt every time he pays a
compliment.
Oh....speaking of cheap.....JLP wishes
to thank SirGee who has spectacularly underperformed this
season.
This year Wazzadon, with muscles
like a sparrows knees...and a brain to match... isn't even a shadow of
his former shadow.
RooBoy is tipping with all the
confidence of a worm in an aviary. To
reinvent, and cleanse, himself RooBoy has showered wearing his
signed Wayne Carey underwear as a sacrifice to St. Joey, the son
of the patron saint of AFL tipping.
Congenitally desperate MoonGoon has
temporarily relocated to Europe to see if his luck will change if he
lodges his tips from the Northern hemisphere for the next month.
Scarlett intends to go to a
fortune teller to see whether or not he will win AFL2003.
He is unsure as to whether to go to a mind reader or a palmist.
Though both are a waste of time and money JLP has advised him to go to
a palmist...at least we know Scarlett has a palm.
What happened to 9Teen66....been
and gone I guess.!!
JLP was under the impression that 9Teen66, with his casual
attitude to full time employment, would have had time available to
hone his tipping skills to a level where he might actually have been
noticed by AFL2003 Tipsters.
Regretably, JLP's recent tipping
qualifies me as a member of the ranks of the monumentally dumb..!!
This season, before lodging his tips
each week, FruitTingle has discussed each of the weekend games
with his friends, most of whom are quite aromatic.
His discussions have yet to bear fruit.
As for Brownose... if he had any
get up and go it evidently got up and left him sometime during the
early rounds of AFL2003.
Meantime LunaTick, from whom
madness flows rampant, still thinks he can win.
Somethings never change.!!
JLP
Jul.14..Tallyroom.18..round
15
The Wildcard Link Explained !!!
The interconnectivity of all things, as
theorised by Dirk Gently, can be illustrated by studying the
interconnectivity of life, of AFL or, indeed, the rampant
interconnectedness of AFL2003.
We all are victims of interconnection.
Sharebare is an outstanding example of interconnection.
When they connected the dots on ShareBare they obviously had a
few drinks beforehand then proceeded to connect them in random order.
On the other hand, LeftTee is an example of connecting the dots
in totally the reverse order.
The married SirGee feels as
though he is permanently connected, albeit to a leash, whereas BlacktownPete's
link to connectivity is through his muzzle.
However vague he may appear to be to
most, even PerryWhite is connected.
With Wheels...once they had connected all her dots she started
going around in circles and hasn't stopped since.
The weekend connectiveness of the
behind post, that used to be a tree blossoming outside Anthony Stevens
window in North Melbourne, and the knee that was used as leverage by a
King in North Melbourne, is an obvious example of love, lust, revenge,
and the interconnectedness of bones and boners.
For the truly devious there is
selective interconnectedness, as displayed by Jonnie HowHard and his
legion of advisers each of whom is prepared, under oath, to say Jonnie
knows absolutely nothing about anything and then they go on to nobly
blame themselves, resign, and leave...along with their fat
superannuation cheques.
In matters more
pure.......AFL2003........In much the same way that the Monday
morning wingbeat of a butterfly in downtown Tibet creates enough
headwind the following Saturday afternoon, in the Randwick straight,
to give PuntersPals yet another beaten favourite the
interconnectivity of not screwing up on your wildcards and winning
AFL2003 is a given.
To illustrate interconnectivity to
AFL2003 Tipsters JLP has compiled a Wildcard update up to and
including round.15. The update shows the wildcard
status of each Tipster. It shows how many wildcards each Tipster
has played, how many correct, how many incorrect and how many points
each Tipster has scored with their wildcards. All in
all it is probably too complicated for any of you to understand, with
the possible exception of the dreaded duo RooBoy and JimB, so
I will not even bother explaining it to you.
The Update follows below....
JLP
Wildcard Update....(in Ladder
Order..!!)
Hal2003............... 12.......
11....(1)..... 50 Pts
To play..Wdgs Melb PtAd Geel
VodkaBoy......... 11........ 10....(1)..... 45
Pts
To play..StK Roos Geel Hawn Melb
JLP........................ 12....... 10....(2).....
40 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Melb Brbn
HareJelly............. 11....... 10....(1)..... 45 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Roos Melb Geel
TheSaint............. 12........11.....(1).....
50 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Rich Hawn
Stickhead........... 11........ 9......(2).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Carl Melb PtAd Roos
LeftTee................. 12...... 9......(3).....
30 Pts
To play..Wdgs Carl Hawn Melb
Wazzadon.......... 11........ 10....(1).....
45 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Rich Roos Coll
JimB...................... 13........ 9......(4).....
20 Pts
To play Wdgs Melb
Ozipom................ 12.......10......(2).....
40 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Melb Geel
RooBoy................ 12....... 11....(1).....
50 Pts
To play..Wdgs Geel Esdn Roos
FastForward....... 16....... 9......(7).....
30 Pts
Nil to play
ElJai........................ 9........ 7......(2).....
25 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Geel Roos Esdn Hawn Melb
GeeGee................. 11....... 9......(2).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Carl Geel Rich
BlueVicar............... 9........9......(0).....
45 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Coll Esdn Geel Melb Roos
Onya...................... 13..... 10......(3).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs Roos Carl
PuntersPal........... 11........9......(2).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Geel Melb Roos
Stallion................. 13....... 12......(1).....
55 Pts
To play..Wdgs Melb Geel
Dragon................... 9......... 6......(3).....
15 Pts
To play.Wdgs Rich Carl Fmtl Geel Hawn Roos
Hollyw'dHunk.... 9........ 8......(1).....
35 Pts
To Play..Wdgs StK Esdn Geel Hawn Melb
Wheels.................. 12........ 10.....(2).....
40 Pts
To play..Wdgs Carl Esdn Geel
YellowPeril.......... 13....... 10....(3).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs Hawn Melb
ShareBare............ 13........ 9......(4).....
25 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Melb
HardYakkatoo..... 13........9......(4)..... 25
Pts
To play..Wdgs Melb Esdn
KrustyRoll........... 12........7......(5).....
10 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Carl Geel
9Teen66.............. 15.... 10.........(5).....
25 Pts
To play..Roos
Partner................... 9......... 8......(1).....
35 Pts
To play..Wdgs Roos Carl Rich Esdn Geel Melb
Cocomum............ 11...... 7......(4).....
15 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Roos Melb Geel
Multivac................ 11...... 6......(5).....
5 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Geel Wcst Melb
SirGee................... 12........ 7......(5).....
10 Pts
To play..StK Geel Rich Roos
Dr Ongo............... 16........9......(7).....
10 Pts
Nil to play
LadyGong............. 9........ 5......(4).....
5 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Carl Esdn Geel Hawn Melb
GirlFromMelb...... 11....... 5......(6).....
- 5 Pts
To play..StK Melb Geel Brbn Wcst
PerryWhite............ 11........7......(4).....
15 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Geel Rich Roos
Bl'townPete........... 10...... 8......(2).....
30 Pts
To play..Wdgs StK Carl Geel Roos Hawn
WetandWild........... 10........ 6......(4).....
10 Pts
To play..Wdgs Carl Fmtl Geel Hawn Roos
FruitTingle............ 15....... 9......(6).....
15 Pts
To play..StK
MoonGoon............ 16...... 9........(7).....
10 Pts
Nil To Play
Scarlett................... 5......... 4......(1).....
15 Pts
To play..Most of 'em
saddaM................ 6.......... 5......(1).....
15 Pts
To play..Wdgs Rich Geel plus heaps
Numbers............... 11...... 6......(5).....
5 Pts
To play..Rich Carl Geel Fmtl Hawn
LunaTick.............. 16...... 6......(10)..
- 20 Pts
Nil To Play
Brownose............ 0....... 0......(0).....
0 Pts
To play...All of them. (idiot.!)
KiwiBob................ 9........ 5......(4).....
5 Pts
To play..Adel Brbn Coll Esdn PtAd StK Wcst
Macman............... 5........2......(3).....
- 5 Pts
To play..Eleven more..!!
Jul.20..Tallyroom.19..round
16
The Great Krypto Trims Readership !
It is late Saturday night.
JLP is in clubland somewhere in downtown Sydney. Judging
by the odour in the air Stallion may also be having a night on
the town. The woofer enhanced, decibel level 10,
music throbbing through the night is nauseating.
On the footpaths pools of stale alcohol are slowly evaporating.
The whole area is crowded with groups of tomorrows parents....belching
hooligans. The youths, intoxicated to a
level slightly below moderately comatose, take it in turns to
approach anything vaguely resembling the human female form and, using
stripclub english, endeavour to engage the girls in conversation.
" Show us yer tits luv.. ", the mating call of the shitfaced
dickhead, appears to be the most popular conversation starter in
Sydney.
In the early hours of the morning, when
the nipple flashing had slowed to a trickle, JLP hopped a taxi.
In the cab on the way home JLP had time
to scan the Sunday paper which had fallen open at section 78,505, the
horoscope. Under the heading ' Your Zodiac as
read by The Great Krypto' JLP checked his horoscope.
Big mistake. It read...."When you
want to insult your intelligence......play AFL2003."
As the paper went through the window JLP cursed PerryWhite aka
The Great Krypto.
Yet again PerryWhite,
desperately trying to knobble JLP's tipping, had used his weekly
horoscope column to fire an annoying psychological barb at JLP.
JLP's problems started after last years
staff cuts at the Morduck Media Empire. It was
then that ace reporter PerryWhite was assigned the Sunday
horoscope, which had become available because Athena had cashed in her
not inconsiderable chips and jumped ship.
Since that time PerryWhite, under the starguise ' The Great
Krypto ' has been using the horoscope with the finesse of chinese
water torture to undermine JLP's tipping.
As a result many Taureans have barely
slept this year. Any morning,
according to 'The Great Krypto,' they could fall victim to any of a
number of dreadful catastrophes be they plague, pestilence, being
eaten while you sleep by your pet, or...worst of all, being bitten by
the premature ejaculation virus. For Taureans,
waking up is a nightmare.
Meanwhile as PerryWhite
continues his attacks on JLP, over at the big end of town, the Morduck
Media Empire executives are scratching their heads.
The recent drop in circulation figures is of major concern.
the Editors are mystified by the unexplained drop in their circulation
figures. None of them can explain
why their paper sales are down by one twelfth each Sunday.
Only PerryWhite and JLP know why.!
Next Week.....
So....apropos to last weeks footie
note....has any Tipster worked out all the nuances of the
interconnectedness of all things AFL2003.? I thought
not.!!. Next week JLP will explain.
Also tune in next week after Scarlett
and the Auditors have gone through our books.
At that time JLP will be able to name names.
Names such as TheSaint and others who have yet to pay.
Find out about the penalty that they will endure.
JLP
Jul.27..Tallyroom.20..round
17
The
Woodie, the
Wettie and the
Winner !
As each new footie season dawns, when
it comes to invitations to new Tipsters, JLP only considers one
thing...is He/She/It dumb enough for me to beat.
Any potential Tipster who can meet that criteria is immediately
extended an invitation. (As a
matter of interest JimB has been operating the same enrolment
procedures, to his financial advantage, for the past few seasons.)
Almost immediately upon meeting Scarlett
JLP noted that Scarlett had all the qualifications, in spades,
to be given an immediate invite to play AFL2003.
Little did JLP suspect that Scarlett could actually prove to be
useful as well. Apparently, when it
comes to debt collections Scarlett takes on the persona of
Attilla the Barrister. For the Tallyroom this
is excellent news.
Since word leaked out that Scarlett
has been invited to the Tallyroom to conduct an independent audit on
unpaid Tipsters the promissory notes have flooded in. As
a direct consequence the Tallyroom audit has been delayed for a week
while we savour the prospect of all the extra cash.
Now that Tipsters have a clearer
understanding of the interconnectedness of paying up or putting their
houses up as security, JLP can take time to reflect upon the race for
our major prizes.
Because the AFL2003 point scoring
system changes during the Finals series there is actually still some
hope for most Tipsters. This is the
stage of the competition where Tipsters should not lose hope.
Instead Tipsters should be looking to position themselves to have some
sort of chance at scavenging a footie dividend come Grand Final time.
As the Finals series draws close, the
battles within AFL2003 rage on.
As regards the Woodie.....Now that
basket case Tipster LunaTick has actually scored a few points
the Woodie is looking like a two man shoot out between KiwiBob
and Macman. KiwiBob comes
from New Zealand, a country primarily populated by a dozen breeds of
sheep, many of whom are eligible to vote. Not
surprisingly KiwiBob currently holds the Woodie.
In his grab for the Woodie this year KiwiBob
has his hands full with Macman. KiwiBob
should take great care. Macman,
who belongs to a religious sect that believes in
UFO's, foreskin abuse, vegetarianism and not paying income taxes comes
well credentialed to take hold of KiwiBob's Woodie.
Meantime
the Wettie is wide open...as it should be.
Any one of half a dozen of you Shielas could win.
FastForward
is as nervous as a frog in a science experiment.
The last time she was close to winning anything was when she was a
finalist in the 1927 Miss Greta Camp Beauty Pageant, which was
eventually won, in a split decision, by a Border Collie Poodle cross.
After
getting on top in the early rounds ELJai ended up being
thoroughly knobbled. Showing her experience ELJai
has slowly worked her way back up, nearer the top.
No
doubt Wheels thinks she has hit the groove at the right time.
Also confident is Ozipom, the refugee from England.
And......over
the past few weeks Dragon has been getting lucky which has
apparently also helped her in the footie tipping department.
"
Forget Onya at your own peril..! "....so says JimB.
One
thing though is puzzling.....If the Wettie is so wide open JLP cannot
understand why is there no sign of WetandWild.
As
to which Tipster will win AFL2003....For those not aware of JLP's
phenomenal tipping skills Top spot in AFL2003 may also appear unclear.
You can forget Hal2003. He, along
with the rest of the rabble who are scrambling for the mid tipcomp
lead have obviously peaked too early.
Despite
early problems with his wildcards LeftTee has been loitering
around the top of the Ladder. Tipsters should not be
too concerned. LeftTee is built the wrong way
round. His chances of winning are
zero....make that zero minus fifty degrees. For LeftTee
it is permafrost from here to the Grand final.
Carlton
boy Stickhead has also been nosing his way into the top five.
Do not be alarmed. For Stickhead
the whole AFL2003 thing is too complex for his brain to maintain for
any period of time.
RooBoy
actually thinks he can win. This should
emphasize to you all the importance of taking your prescription
medicines.
BlueVicar
looked good while he was playing his easy wildcards but now, like Pele,
he needs the hand of God to get him home.
Any
way you look at it JLP has it all sewn up..!!!
Oh....to those of you who fail next
week's audit....
.....Be warned......Scarlett
is one of the cheapest beings alive.
For $55 he doesn't ask, he just calls in the solicitors.....
.....then he hacks into your AFL2003 points with a machete.!!!
JLP
Aug.04..Tallyroom.21..round
18
Counselling For Combatants !
Some weeks it is hard for JLP to find
the time to keep Tipsters posted in regard to their current level of
stupidity. At such times, at the
last possible moment....usually in the hours between midnight and
dawn, JLP has no alternative but to assume combat position and bunker
himself in the Tallyroom for a marathon session of holding the
Presses.
In reality not many Tipsters can cope
with combat conditions. Sharebare
for one has never seen combat...not unless you count Sydney traffic.
Stallion is another who has never seen combat, though he was
close once. As recently as last year Stallion
was on an overseas tour of duty but he had to be rushed back to Oz.
Apparently a chicken with his blood type needed a blood transfusion.
For mankind the ultimate form of combat
is, off course, marriage. As a consequence JLP,
having being married to Ozipom since sometime early in the
Mesozoic Era, is not unfamiliar with combat conditions in their most
extreme variation. Mind you, JLP is not alone.
Many other Tipsters are also married, though, fortunately for them,
not to Ozipom.
Marriage is a subject which causes
consternation to males worldwide, even gripping the poor unfortunates
who play AFL2003. Partner
recently sent some newspaper clippings relating to marriage into the
Tallyroom ....which begs the question...how did Partner get a
pair of scissors from his Carers..??
Mind you, when it comes to marriage it is not just Partner who
is perplexed. Over the years many
Tipsters have sought guidance upon a wide variety of seemingly
insoluble conundrums from JLP.
JLP recognises that men and women
belong to different species and communication between them is a
science still in it's infancy.
Armed with this intuitive awareness JLP is more than adequately
qualified to throw a lifeline or two to the men of AFL2003.
So......Tipsters, next time you find
yourself in the situation where the going gets tough and you can't get
the hell outa there.....consider these responses...
For Scarlett
"Anything I said six months ago is inadmissible in an
argument."
For PuntersPal
" You have enough clothes."
For VodkaBoy
"Crying is blackmail."
For Dr Ongo
"A headache which lasts over twelve months is a
problem...see a doctor."
For Hardyakkatoo
" If you think you are fat you probably are.
Don't ask me."
(Note....For the inexperienced this
response could lead to complications.)
For Macman
" If something I said could be interpreted in two ways and
one of them makes you sad or angry.....I didn't mean that one...I
meant the other one."
For FruitTingle
"Please either ask me to do something or tell me how you want
it done.
Not both..!!"
For 9Teen66
"When we are going out absolutely anything you wear is great.
Really."
For RooBoy
"When I ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing' I will
believe you."
For Stallion
"Don't ask me what I am thinking about unless you are
prepared to take your clothes off."
For Stickhead
"Saturday equals Sports. It's like the full moon and
PMT. Let it be."
For Stickhead
"Shopping is not a Sport."
For Stickhead
" You have too many shoes. "
For SirGee
" I am in shape. Round is a shape.! "
For HareJelly
"Whenever possible please say what you have to say in the
ads."
For Numbers
"No...I do not want to see anyone else...you already have
more than enough personalities for me to deal with."
For PerryWhite
" Yes...I am telling the truth.
Off course it's true .........It's not like it's going to be in
tomorrows Papers."
Tipsters requiring more detailed
responses to those moments of intense inter species stress should
contact JLP directly.
Assuming that Ozipom has not beaten me to a pulp before next
week's Tallyroom report is posted your queries will be answered
therein.
Incidentally......If Ozipom does
leave me bleeding to death in a pool of my own blood will somebody
please call Stallion immediately.
Stallion knows the address of a chicken with my blood type.
On the question of homosexual
marriages...JLP is all for it.
Let the poofters suffer like the rest of us is what I say..!!!
JLP
(If I survive the week you can all look forward to a GallupPoll.)
Aug.11..Tallyroom.22..round
19/21
Tipcomp Update..Tallyroom Down !
(Yes....there is a GallupPoll
this week.....read on.)
In keeping with the real estate mania
which is gripping Sydney plans have been approved by Ozipom for
renovations to the Tallyroom.
Carpenter type men, who are very good at hammering nails and screwing
drivers, will soon infest the Tallyroom to effect improvements. Communication
links between the Internet and the Tallyroom will be severed for the
next few weeks.
For a period of time, as yet
undetermined, the Tallyroom is offline.
For these reasons, and more, Tipsters
should take note of the following.....
.../.. The $Ladder$,
updated on the Tallyroom Page each week, shows the Tipsters who are in
the money positions after the end of each round.
.../.. All your Wildcards must be played by the end of
round.22, which for those of you not mathematically inclined, leaves
you precisely three rounds left to use them.
.../.. If a Tipster who has not played all of
his/her/it's wildcards finishes in a money position at the end of the
Grand Final he/she/it will not have qualified to win a prize.
Instead, the Tipster(s) with the nearest score will receive/share the
prize.
.../.. Upon commencement of the Finals Series the AFL2003
point scoring format changes. Winning tips will get you
five points and losing tips will cost you two points.....if you think
it's been a bumpy ride on the Ladder up to now you can expect a
bruising once we reach September.
.../.. The Friday 6:00 pm Tipping Deadline applies each
week.
.../.. The Tallyroom will next report to Tipsters at the
end of round.22..(we hope), or possibly at the end of round.21..(we
doubt).. or some time during the Finals series..(we expect.).
Watch This Space..!!!
.../.. Yes... we do have a GallupPoll....our final for
the season.
Tipsters the final GallupPoll of the
season asks each Tipster...
How has AFL2003 contributed to
making you wiser..?
Responses due in by 6:00 pm Friday August.29
Don't blow the three points....they may well be important.
till September.....
JLP
Sept.1..Tallyroom.23..round
22
It's Hard To Be Humble..!!!
.........Tipsters new and old will by
now have noted that JLP, in footie tipping, as in life, operates on a
superior cognitive level.......hang on...hang on...I think I've said
that already. My apologies....it's just that when
one is cognitively superior it is, on occasion, difficult to be
humble.
OK........Lets take another run at
it......
So.....what's happened during the
Tallyroom shutdown..??
( For a start the wrenovations have gone rong..!! )
Bye Bye H&A.
Hello Finals..!! We are here.
In Stallionspeak....the field in AFL2003 is entering the
straight.
We have had an interesting few weeks to
get to this point, the point where the inevitability of a JLP victory
has become obvious to anyone outside a straight jacket.
Hardyakkatoo picked a draw a
couple of weeks back.
He jumped up the Ladder like a kangaroo on a trampoline.
How can anyone pick a draw...let alone Hardyakkatoo..?
If he picks his nose successfully he thinks he's on a winner.
One would be excused for thinking that the chances of Hardyakkatoo picking
a draw are less than that of an ungulate flying. ...(An
ungulate, for those of you uninformed, is an animal resembling a pig
only significantly larger, and with fewer wings.)...
Despite the phenomenal odds stacked against him, Hardyakkatoo who
is about as intelligent as an octopus's ninth armpit, has achieved
AFLTipcomp Hall of Fame status by being the first Tipster to tip a
draw. Ah well....no-one can say that we aren't
keeping the standards as low as we possibly can.
Since the now immortalised tipping
fluke by Hardyakkatoo tips for draws in AFL2003 have become as
common as wedding rings in Hollywood safety deposit boxes.
Other Tipsters did not fare so well in
the latter rounds. Ozipom has had few
successes. She is coping with AFL2003 about as well
as the English did against William the Conqueror.
LeftTee has dropped off the
pace. When you first meet LeftTee you know
intuitively that he is the kind of guy who can take a blow to the head
better than most so it is of little surprise that he is tipping his
way deep into the mediocrity zone.
TheSaint did show some form in
the middle of the year but of late he has been tipping with the brains
of a three year old.
JLP thinks the kid was glad to get rid of 'em.
Dr Ongo still has hopes of a
prize. According to his bride to be Dr Ongo is
focusing too much attention to AFL2003.
A true Ozzie Dr Ongo explained that when you are
involved in a tipcomp sometimes even love has to take a backseat.
YellowPeril has never been a
serious chance of winning because he has been picking the two West Oz
teams all year. In the halls of Montezuma
experienced Tipsters politely suggest that YellowPeril is a
wanker. JLP will resist making a quip at this point
for fear of premature joculation.
Hey....I'm getting distracted
here....there is much to tell you...
Dickhead of the week
This weeks dickhead of the week prize is a draw between Numbers
and saddaM. Both these
Tipsters have kindly disqualified themselves from receiving any
AFL2003 prizes, unless you count this weeks dickhead of the week prize
off course, because they did not play all their wild cards during the
H&A series.
Wettie
Update
Leading sheila is FastForward,
eight points ahead of ELJai. Potential
contenders, within 16 points include Onya, Ozipom, Dragon,
Wheels,GeeGee and KrustyRoll. To
JLP it looks like a two mare war between ELJai, who is built
like a dead heat in a balloon race and FastForward, who is
built like a dead heat in a fried egg race.
Woodie
Update
Too close to call. Flip a coin.
KiwiBob or Macman.
It may be that Macman will not get the woodie because he is
overqualified. His two uni degrees may work against
him. KiwiBob, educated in that
part of Kiwi Country where remedial classes are a lofty
ambition, is defending an eight point 'lead' as we start the finals
series.
GallupPoll
Delays
It will not surprise Tipsters to note that your GallupPoll
responses are not yet posted. (If
nothing else JLP is consistent.)
Soon is the best I can say at this point. Points
will be updated after the first round of Finals.
JLP
away again.
Things go from bad to worse for JLP. As if
dealing with the rooted renovations isn't bad enough Ozipom has
just advised JLP that we are going away with the Barking gang for
three days this coming weekend. For JLP this
is ominous news. Stickhead and Scarlett
hold positions of great influence within the Barking gang.
Last year they launched an unprovoked attack on JLP's liver.
The opening shots came by way of a three case ambush from the ice cold
Victorian Hops battalion followed shortly thereafter by a relentless
two day onslaught from the South Oz fermented brigade.
Should Stickhead or Scarlett initiate another attack
this year JLP expects, given the faster time for blood transfusions
nowadays, the hospital should have me back on the streets by Wednesday
next week. JLP anticipates a sufficient level of
coherency to to compile a Tallyroom report around about that time.
From
now...The Scoring
goes like this...
Win...5 Pts. Loss...-2 Pts.
Tipped Draw...21 Pts.
Perfect Round News
Tipsters new and old will by now have noted that JLP, in footie
tipping, as in life, operates on a superior cognitive level.......ooops.....sorry....there's
that reverse humbleness again....
Cheer You Up News
To those of you who think all is lost and you will not win a
prize.
Do not despair. Do not give up hope.
It is always darkest before daylight saving.
Humbly
yours,
JLP
Sept.10..Tallyroom.24..finals.1
Scarlett and The Atrophied Brain..!
It's almost over already.
Where has the season gone..??
Here I am....all set to tell you about the trivial pursuits of Scarlett
and Stickhead and I can't. There is no time.
With only five matches to go in the
AFL2003 tipping Game Tipsters are looking for good tips and having
about as much success as Richard 111
finding an off the rack suit.
For most it has been a tough year.
Dr Ongo,
a carbon based life form...and I'm paying him a compliment there, has
not had much of a season, even by his mediocre standards.
Despite that, being economically frugal by nature, Dr Ongo is
still hanging in there and trying to snatch a $50 prize off someone
else.
After almost impressive performances in
seasons gone by this year has seen SirGee reach the Out
Age....that's the age where everything falls, spreads or wears
out. SirGee is at the age where he can't move
faster than a few kilometres an hour unless he has fallen of a
cliff....or is sliding down the footie Ladder.
Mind you SirGee isn't the only
dark age relic round here. JimB has been
around since the best form of security was to dig a ditch round your
house, fill it up with water and throw in a few prototype handbags.
JLP is convinced that JimB still carries Viking Raid insurance.
PerryWhite
hasn't fared much better this year than he has in other years..... his
tipping is consistently staid, predictable, boring and generally about
impulsive as Warragamba Dam.
Long
time Tipster LunaTick, despite optimism of galactic
proportions, has been deja~vuing in the bottom five all year.
Wazzadon, according to his
upcoming autobiography, plays AFL2003 because he's good at tipping
winners of footie games and is therefore certain to finish with a
prize. Wazzadon reckons he knows an
opportunity when he sees it because he has a good head for money.....
I guess there must be a little slot somewhere ontop.
Stallion, who would give his
right arm to be ambidextrous, has tipped this year about as
successfully as a one handed man can clap.
The year hasn't been much better for
any of the first timers. Wheels, whose method of
turning a meal into gourmet cuisine is to put it on a plate, has had
an ordinary year. This year, despite taking
more care than a snail in a garlic butter factory with her tips she
still looks like finishing empty handed. With
the benefit of hindsight it is obvious that Wheels, being a
virgin, shudda gone for the woodie.
Speaking
of which, KiwiBob & Macman are having a great time.
Speaking
of which...I have precious little time this week.
One quick word of thanks though.........
......To the many Tipsters who take time out to e-mail or fax the
Tallyroom to level criticism at the morals and standards of JLP.
(special
thanks to YellowPeril, who has suggested, unfairly, that JLP
enter a winner take all insult contest.)
...The aspersions which you have cast upon my, allegedly, prejudicial
Tallyroom reports have been placed into water....along with the other
flowers.
Thank
you Tipsters.....
I know you don't like my prose..but remember..it could be verse.
OK..........Time
to go.....
Whilst
other Tipsters wallow in AFL confusion JLP knows the secret to picking
the winners of the last five matches of the season.
This is a secret that JLP is not yet prepared to share.
After all, AFL2003 is only a game and the last thing you want to do in
a game is to give the game away.
JLP
Sept.16..Tallyroom.25..finals.2
Hal Hating...A New Tradition!
Traditionally at this point in our
Tipcomp JLP would generously provide Tipsters with an incisive
analysis of the state of play on the AFL2003 Ladder and the
permutations ahead of us.
You can forget that now.
Hal2003 has ruined AFL2003.
Still...it is mid September.
Finals time.
Footie finals are an ozzie tradition.....like heart attacks.
This is the time of year that we spend
our weekends drinking beer while we cheer and scream as we watch big
blokes break each others bones.
This, at least, is one tradition that
hasn't changed for Ozzie blokes.
We blokes should be grateful for
whatever traditions remain.
Nowadays traditions are dropping like flies in a Mortien ad.
What about water.!!
You know the stuff. H2O.
We flush our toilets with it....Fish commit acts of indecency in it.
In the sixties, had anyone told you
that you would happily pay two bucks for a bottle of water you would
have presumed that they were on drugs...which, being the sixties, they
probably were.
When it comes to having children
tradition has gone right out the proverbial window....one that's
ten stories up. When most of us were
born tradition clearly defined our parents responsibilities.
The woman bought the baby clothes, ate all sorts of weird, but good,
food...and went to the medico so the bloke could claim as much on
Medicare as possible. When the
contractions started she went to the hospital for a few days then came
back home and cooked and cleaned for three.
The men smoked cigarettes.
Sensitive men also paced.
This system was obviously fair.
It worked well for decades.
It produced many generations of happy
youngsters who grew up drinking beer, shoplifting, getting laid,
taking recreational drug use to new highs and playing footie.
(Indeed, JLP did have a short
footie career.....though I should confess that I did not keep my eye
on the ball...I concentrated exclusively upon avoiding death.)
What happened..???
JLP blinked...and the system changed.
The blokes have blown it again. Another tradition
bites the dust.
Now....any bloke that is not a workaholic parent is called a wanker.
The end result is that todays blokes
are inputting more than the traditional once when it comes to raising
the brood.....and us blokes are worse off for it.
As, it would appear, is the litter.....and JLP has the skateboard scar
of the innocent bystander to prove it.
It is no wonder that we are having
problems recruiting teachers. JLP anticipates
the current Teacher shortage to remain until we pay them a couple of
hundred grand a year and empower them to impose the death penalty.
It is only now, as the first wave of
daddys boys reach their teens that it has hit home to JLP that child
sacrifice went out with the Etruscans.
I guess you can't fight evolution.
Blokes are doomed.
When he's had a few BlueVicar
tells a story that suggests that us blokes were probably behind the
ate ball from the start.
According to BlueVicar there was once a bloke called Adam who
lived in Paradise. He had a beautiful woman living
with him....a NAKED beautiful woman I may add.
.....And what did Adam want to do..??...Eat fruit...!!
As for AFL2003....Hal2003 has
taken all the fun out of AFL2003.
FastForward and Vodkaboy are squabbling over the minor
podium spots. Onya looks as
though she will lead the Queensland contingent home.
In fact Onya may still harbour hopes of a podium position.
JLP makes this observation because in her most recent photo to the
Tallyroom Onya obviously had on enough hair spray to stop a
water buffalo.
Fourth and fifth spots are well
contested. There are a dozen or so Tipsters within
reach. Only two will get any prize....(three
if you count tenth spot).
The woodie is where the action is.
Having finally shaken off LunaTick a couple of weeks back KiwiBob
and Macman now have only each other to look out for.
They are going head to head over the woodie.
That's about it for the week.
Time for me to go....
In keeping with tradition I am determined to find a way to cheat.
JLP
Sept.22..Tallyroom.26..finals.3
A Message From Gerd.
Well.....Friends....we have almost
finished another season.
It is time for my annual apology to you
all.
Long time Tipsters know that I am about to cut and paste from
apologies of yesteryear. Although I am
plagiarising from previous apologies, the words are cut, pasted and
presented with absolute sincerity.
Before I do......
This thing started ten years ago.
It was originally only ever intended to be a vehicle for a few very
very good friends to stay in contact with each other.
One decade on and we are long gone from
the days of faxing and phoning our tips in.
In those days there were no stupid rules. Those were
the days when we would regularly have to wait until the following
Thursday or Friday for David to let us know the state of play on the
Ladder.
Lots has happened to our Tipcomp since
then. We've grown.
Nowadays there are some Tipsters who I have not even met..!!
For five or six years we did it by e-mail....this year on the net.
Had anyone suggested to me that the
tipping comp would grow to such an extent that it would be done on the
internet, by means of a self calculating program, I would not have
thought it possible.
For the past three or so seasons I have
thought, each September, that this will be the last Tipcomp.
Then, come January e-mails start to drift in from some of you guys and
gals asking details of the next comp. Then, as
you all know, in February, after my habitual procrastination has run
its course, I contact last years Tipsters and arrange the tipcomp for
those that wish to play again.
Quite amazingly, If the e-mails
received by 'the tallyroom' through this football season are anything
to go by, you...the Tipsters... are still enjoying 'playing' in this
ludicrous tipping competition even after all this time.
If I've over...or under insulted you
this year ...my apologies.
With the increased number of Tipsters over the past few years it has
been a little trickier to make sure everyone gets consistent mention.
Our tipcomp would not be possible were
it not for some very significant contributions from Tipsters which I
would very much like to acknowledge......
First and foremost I would like to
thank Multivac.
There would be no tipcomp were it not for Andrew.
A few years back, when the workload of calculating and administering
the Tipping comp looked too hard for me to continue doing it Andrew
volunteered to write a self calculating computer program for our AFL
competition. Andrew constructed the AFL
tipping website which, simply put, is a sophisticated and professional
computer program. Tipsters, computer literate or
not, do not need me to tell them how excellent the program is.
As well as writing the original program Andrew has changed it each
year for me in order to incorporate any changes I make to the Tipcomp.
As if that is not enough Andrew also inputs all the AFL data for the
draw each year....and also updates the site each week with the results
of the actual games.
Thanks also to JimB and RooBoy.
Jim and Pete both keep records far more precise than mine in regard to
what Tipsters do each year in the Tipcomp.
Over the years, embarrassingly for me, there have been a couple of
instances where the Tallyroom records have had gaps and both Pete and
Jim have helped me backtrack through the records to make sure that all
data that is presented to the Tipsters is accurate.
And I would like to thank Partner.
Geoff, my good friend and business partner, left for England ten
years ago. He left me to look after his best
interests in our Company. So....what was the
first thing I did..?? Start a footie tipping
comp.!! To this day Geoff has never objected
to the time and resources which I have put into the Tipcomp.
Ozipom
also deserves thanks.
Julia is very tolerant of me and the Tipcomp.
During winter Julia is understanding that the Tipcomp does take quite
a bit of time for me and most of that time comes from jobs around the
house that I should be doing. Many is the
Sunday or Monday where I have said to her " I don't have time
now...I have to get a footie report finished".
She has never complained to me about that. She is a
saint.!!
Thank you also to FastForward
TheSaint and Cocomum
There are times that I think that I am an absolute idiot to spend five
hours writing a weekly load of drivel that nobody bothers to read and
that could not possibly be of interest to anyone leading a normal
life. In such moments both Mazzie and David
are quick to assure me that I am wrong. They
happily point out that one person does actually read my weekly load of
drivel....my Mum.
And.....profound thanks go to you...the
Tipsters....
(here comes the cut and paste...)
For those of you who have followed AFL2003 and read
the reports my guess is that you would have endured somewhere in
excess of 20,000 words from JLP.....which, put together is about the
size of a small novel. I thank you for
that.!
...Thank you to all Tipsters for making
the effort to absorb and play by the Tipcomp rules.
...This Tipcomp is less passive than most. Thanks to
you all for putting in the time and effort through the year to submit
your weekly tips, play the wildcards and respond to the
"polls".
...Thank
you all for your thick skins.
Thank
you all for the enjoyment each of you has given to the rest of us
through the football year.
Gerd
Next Week....
JLP is back for conclusion of AFL2003.
Big chance it will be late....(on or before Oct.5)
Oct.10.Tallyroom.27..finale
AFL2003.....A Veil Of Tears.!!
What an absolute disaster this years
Tipcomp turned out to be. It has taken JLP the
better part of three weeks to get the motivation to close off the
year.
On the assumption that my weekend on
the punt goes as planned prizewinners cheques will be despatched next
Monday.
It is with a heavy heart and a lighter
than anticipated wallet that JLP lists this years Tipsters and their
individual results in AFL2003....
WINNER Hal2003
298 Points
The only time Hal2003 opens his mouth is to put his feats
in it. Winning AFL2003 has left Hal2003 $800
richer....and a permanently open mouth. JLP
has no doubts that winning AFL2003 will make Hal2003 so
unpopular that even his own shadow will not follow him around anymore.
=2nd FastForward
295 Points
Who could possibly have conceived that cookie queen FastForward
would be stepping onto the AFL2003 podium at seasons end..???....or
any podium for that matter..? Showing
just what a shrewd judge she really is FastForward is using her
AFL2003 winnings as a down payment on a block of land in the Arctic
where she intends to grow frozen vegetables.
=2nd VodkaBoy
295 Points
As a first year Unii student VodkaBoy had more leisure time
than most this year. As a natural consequence VodkaBoy
has spent less time sober than working members of the community.
With such a huge advantage it is little wonder that VodkaBoy
finished in the money.
=4th Stickhead
291 Points
With his AFL winnings Stickhead is going to buy a present
for his girlfriend. Stickhead
says that his girlfriend thinks that he is very handsome.
JLP has seen Stickhead and can only presume that Stickhead
is feeding his girlfriends guide dog.
=4th HareJelly 291
Points
Believe it or not HareJelly is our most successful Tipster.
He has never won..(best was third
in '97)...
but is one of a very few Tipsters who always seem to end up around the
money come Grand Final time. This year will be his
fifth collect from nine starts. All other
Tipsters should be alarmed at this revelation. HareJelly
is the youngest Tipster amongst us.
6th Onya 285
Points
This has been Onya's best year.....and she didn't get a zac.
7th Hardyakkattoo
283 Points
Hardyakkatoo has suggested the following tune in support of his
efforts to be included in the AFL Legends Hall Of Fame.
"Up there..!
Cazaly.!! In There..!!
Let's fight..!!
Did you ever tip a draw..?...Hardyakkatoo did...that's
right.!"
8th Wazzadon 282
Points
As soon as it was decided that Prizemoney would stop at fifth spot
and start again at tenth there was always a certain
inevitability about Wazza ending up somewhere between 5th and
10th.
If Wazza had a pet Zebra he'd probably name it 'Spot'.
=10th ELjai 280
Points
Tenth.....and some money..!!!! Great year for ELjai.
In fact, AFL2003 was a personal best for her.....which is a
strong indication as to just how badly the rest of us tipped.!!
=10th JLP 280
Points
Grrooaann..!!!! The shame of it all.
After having so much hope of getting the prime podium possie all year
JLP has to accept a lowly mediocrity prize. Ontoppa
that.....To rub salt into an already detolled wound JLP only gets to
keep half the cash because I have to share the prize...... with a
bloody sheila.!
11th RooBoy 279
Points
Another year and no collect.. Again by only one point.
RooBoy cannot believe it. How can Karma
tease him so.
Reeling from yet another near miss RooBoy is not actually lost
for words but is, at the very least, uncertain as to their location.
12th Ozipom
277 Points
This year, to save herself time Ozipom tipped to a formula.
Each week she tipped six home teams and two away teams.
With her newfound spare time she was able to list, on a piece of paper
that would span the globe, odd jobs that JLP should attend to in the
off season.
13th PuntersPal
276 Points
Two weeks back JLP caught up with...or more correctly, was caught
up by PuntersPal down at the local TAB. Geeez....The
guy is a dead cert of an embarrassment to be seen with.....PuntersPals
shirt was such a kaleidoscope of garish colours that it would have
failed to win the vomit prize in a fashion show only if his trousers
had also entered.
14th Dragon
273 Points
Dragon was considering something with diamonds had she won a prize
in AFL2003. JLP can only suggest to Dragon
that she now consider the purchase of a deck of playing cards.
15th LeftTee 270
points
The best of the newcomers. I suppose that makes
it appropriate that LeftTee wins a prize.
16th TheSaint 268
Points
There is alot of RooBoy in TheSaints result....only
not as good. Another Tipster to have never had a
collect, yet be so close each year. We should be grateful
to Saint. With Tipsters like TheSaint
in our Tipcomp you always know that someone is having worse luck than
you are.
17th Wheels 263
Points
Natural blonde Tipster Wheels bought herself a new computer
in February so she could play in AFL2003. On the way
home, with the computer in the boot of her car, she dropped into a
Curtain Shop and asked the assistant for some curtains for her new
computer.
"Madam.." said the assistant "computers don't have
curtains."
"HELLOOOO...." responded Wheels " I've got
Windows..!!"
Like the shop assistant Wheels
never had a chance.
18th HollywoodHunk 262
Points
HollywoodHunk is nothing if not predictable.
Another season goes by....another four rounds 'Hunk forgets to
tip.
19th GeeGee 260
Points
GeeGee is pretty posh. She's got so much
class that when she goes to the ballet she eats her chips with her
gloves on. Therein lies GeeGee's
problem...having class in AFL tipping is about as helpful as having
the biggest parachute in a submarine.
20th ShareBare 259
Points
ShareBare is another contender for one of the cheapest beings
alive. When he was born ShareBare came out
clutching a sixpence that his mother had swallowed when she was eight
years old. Whenever he goes to a fancy dress
party ShareBare always goes dressed as Napoleon so that he can
keep one hand on his wallet. Snatching a lazy $50 at
seasons end has put a smile on the ShareBare dial despite
AFL2003 having been his worst ever tipping season.
21st Dr Ongo 267
Points
In February Dr Ongo had the idea to join AFL2003.
In March the idea sparked, spluttered and groaned it's way to Dr
Ongo's conscious mind where it presumably still now lies,
throbbing and exhausted from the journey.
22nd KrustyRoll
263 Points
KrustyRoll has a heart of gold. When Krusty
heard that Dragon wanted to get rid of the toadstools at the
bottom of her garden KrustyRoll went and bought some cane
chairs for Dragon.
23rd 9Teen66 263
Points
After JLP 9Teen66, last century's Channel 7 AFL anchorman,
is AFL2003's most disappointed Tipster. When JLP
pointed out to 9Teen66 that his tipping was so bad he oughta
have a blood test 9Teen66 thought that was a such good idea he
said that he'd start studying right away. Is it any
wonder that 9Teen66 finished in the bottom half of the AFL2003
Ladder..?
24th BlueVicar 254
Points
For a long while JLP could not understand why, year in, year out BlueVicar
was such a useless AFL Tipster...I mean what with God on his side and
all that kind of thing. It has only
today dawned on JLP why BlueVicar cannot tip many winners in
our AFL tipcomps. It is because AFL is not the
game that is played in heaven. Sure,,,,if
you wanna know the winner of a Super 12 game God, armed with his
celestial insights, is the bloke you'd want to be filling in your TAB
ticket. But not in AFL.
Wake up BlueVicar, it is obvious to the rest of us that
God knows jack shit about AFL.
25th Stallion
254 Points
Even though he is a former winner it was still a bit of a surprise
to see Stallion pick up a minor prize in AFL2003.
His brash tipping this year was about as subtle as a sailor with a six
hour pass.
26th JimB 253
Points
A last minute e-mail to the Tallyroom from JimB...."Another
footie season gone and I note that all the wrong people have won the
money...again.!! JLP....come to Queensland at
your own peril.."
27th YellowPeril 248
Points
YellowPeril faxed the Tallyroom early in the finals and said he
was within a bees dick of getting himself a prize this year.
Situation normal.
28th Multivac 241
Points
In a recent deep and meaningful dissection of AFL2003 JLP asked Multivac
how he came to finish so far down the AFL Ladder.
"....Ahh don't really know, Pardner, I ain't used to hangin'
around these here parts..." said Multivac, who watched
alot of westerns as a child.
29th LadyGong 236
Points
In yet another Tipcomp the boys have again finished ontop of the
girls.
LadyGong hates that. It is in moments like
these that LadyGong's belief in the innate superiority of the
female form is put to the test.
30th Cocomum 235
Points
She might be able to
cook.....but she sure can't tip.
This years tipping effort confirms that Cocomums second
placing a few years back was just a flash in the pan.
31st PerryWhite
233 Points
Until PerryWhite joined our tipcomp he was the leading
footie tipper in the Land. Perry had racked
up an impressive list of media tipcomp scalps before he made his ill
fated move into the AFL lunatic fringe where he made the mistake of
befriending JLP. His tipping has never been
the same.
32nd BlacktownPete
232 Points
No money this year for last years Premier.
BlacktownPete is on holiday in northern Africa.
He was last seen on the Egyptian border, explaining to the Border
Patrol how it came to be that he was the bona fide owner of the
pyramid that he had ingeniously managed to prise into the boot of his
car.
33rd Partner 231
Points
The longer Partner lives in England the worse his footie
tipping gets. There is probably a message there
somewhere.
34th GirlFromMelbourne
224 Points
For many years now GirlFromMelb has had somewhat of a
mortgage on 28th spot. This year sees no
change to the status quo. In a brilliant
tipping gambit GirlFromMelb has finessed 28th spot again this
year simply by instructing her cyber self, Multivac to assume
the position.
35th SirGee 218
Points
This year SirGee, The Tipster with attitude, gets himself a
prize. A shadow of his former self, providing
you do not include his pants size when you look at the shadow, SirGee
will look at the fifty that he has won and think of what might have
been.
36th FruitTingle
217 Points
After a disappointing debut into AFL tipping ranks FruitTingle has
subsided into obscurity which, presumably, has welcomed him home.
37th MoonGoon
198 Points
His best ever tipping season..!!! What more can
I say.?
38th Scarlett
196 Points
This blokes chances of winning AFL2003 were gone with the wind
before a ball was kicked. And, Scarlett,
quite frankly, I don't give a damn.
=40th WetandWild
196 Points
A disappointing season for WetandWild.
She intends to seek solace over the summer by re-reading her
favourite book, "The Cats Revenge" by Claude Balls.
Disqualified saddaM
178 Points
saddaM actually finished in 40th possie but, being a diehard
dickhead decided not to use all his wilds this year.
saddaM Tipsters above and below you worship the ground you walk
on and are really sorry to hear about your ongoing flea problem.
=40th LunaTick 172
Points
Seriously.....the only way that
LunaTick could ever win our Tipcomp would be if everybody else
was disqualified so there is a degree of appropriateness that LunaTick
should get his first ever AFL prize by way of the disqualification
of those around him.
Disqualified Numbers
165 Points
Numbers never had a chance. He was always in a
mess....much like my yearly box of papers for the taxman.
43rd Brownose
147 Points
Brownose is getting better.
Considering the fact that there has always been some doubt associated
with his literacy Brownose has excelled in AFL2003.
44th Macman
123 Points
In his fight for the woodie against the evil Enzedder Ozzie boy Macman
gave us an entertaining year. For Macman...it
was a case of so near and yet so far...just one point from glory.
Mind you...those of us in the know would not have held too much hope
at any stage for Macman to win anything.
After all Ozzie boy Macman still thinks that a Wombat is a bat
you play Wom with.
45th KiwiBob 122
Points
As you read this KiwiBob is contentedly humming ' I've got
ewe under my skin ' as he contemplates just what he should do with yet
another Woodie.
.......And here endeth the season for
the forty five Tipsters who started, and finished, AFL2003.
Before I go......some 'clean-up'
notes...
../.. All Tipsters responded to the final Gallupoll... (some
were really funny). There was no effect on the
Ladder so JLP took the lazy option and decided to ignore the whole
thing. Your responses will eventually be
put onto the GallupPoll Link....but not for a while....JLP has a
serious Golf schedule to deal with each October/November.
../..As with the GalluPoll Link the Past Heroes Link will be
updated with this years 'Order of Merit'.....sometime over the Summer.
../.. Thanks for your e-mails.
And there you have it.........Tipcomp
Over...!!!
..........AFL2003 now dissipates into the past.
JLP
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