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AFL2001……… Acceptances Declared !!!

Almost 40 nominations have been received in the TallyRoom as participants in AFL2001………and many entrants actually consider themselves to be contenders for the coveted top spot on the AFL2001 Podium in September.

After reviewing this years field of Tipsters JLP can advise, with confidence, that the intelligence level of AFL2001 Tipsters is not high…in all probability it is located underground.     No Tipster, JLP excluded, comes well credentialed.

A few responses are still outstanding……..Prize amounts will be advised in the next Report.

How To Tip…..

At the risk of assuming that Tipsters in AFL2001 do actually have functioning grey matter between their ears I am going to make this short…..

1 )…..Go to www.videoaccess.com.au/afl
2)……Put your username and password to good effect.
3 )…..Make your tips.

If it all looks too hard and you are unable to work out how to tip you are permitted to direct questions to the Tallyroom.      JLP discourages questions…….. If you really do have a question…..before actually referring any queries to the Tallyroom, you are encouraged to stand in front of the nearest mirror and ask  yourself the question…Am I really worth the space I take up on this planet..??

One word of caution..!!!          Multivac designed and created this Website.

Multivac does everything cheap.    JLP suspects that it is unstable at best.

TIP EARLY,,,especially in week one.     You can change tips as often as you like through the week…..before the 6:00 pm cut-off time next Friday.

Neither JLP or Multivac will accept any bleeding heart excuses about tips being late, whether the fault lies with you or with Multivac.

Wildcards…..You Have To Use Them !!!

NOTE…..All Tipsters have to play ONE wildcard on EACH team during the Home and Away rounds of the AFL comp.     Any unplayed Wildcards at the end of the H&A series will incur a penalty of minus 10 points each.

An Introduction to each other….

For the New Losers, a few words about the evolutionarily handicapped that have matched wits with JLP in years gone by..….and for survivors of previous Tipcomps confirmation you cannot win this year either..!!

First acceptance received was from champion retard of AFL2000 Karltongue.

Stallion was scheduled to leave us this year for British shores, but the UK outbreak of foot and mouth disease has delayed his departure and inflicted him upon us for another year.     Another Tipster with suspect blistering, presumably caused by exposure to nuclear wastes…or a persistent genital disease, Saddam has opted to harass us with his presence for another year.

From HollywoodHunk…in the jargon of the self infatuated ”I’m in Baby !!”
Moongoon….struggles with gravity.....always sinks to the bottom of Tipcomp.
Onya…. Hot favourite for AFL2001’s Wet AFL-Shirt Award…. Good with tips.

From deep within the dense Nebraska highlands, otherwise known as America’s Tasmania, Deliverance territory, we welcome….Jethro’s Sister.

Also a new bod….a little out of place in this Tipcomp, but probably a little out of place anywhere on planet Earth, TheWarden.

BlueVicar…What can I say..?? Carlton Apostle.   Suspected of laundering silver.
From Melbourne Eljai, whose learning process stalled halfway through the alphabet.
Never shy VodkaBoy will be swilling it again with us this year.
Partner is back….he may be a threat now that he has achieved marital bliss.
KingGee…..Has actually paid already…….resurrecting debate on modern miracles.
JimB….is still boasting about the woodie he got last year.
From cute and chubby Teletubby to Sydneys hickey king in less than one year, Pokemon is back in the guise of Harejelly.
It would appear that RooBoy has finally come to grips with the ineptitude of both his tipping and the miserable team he supports.   Even before AFL2001 has started He has resorted to delivering bribes to the Tallyroom.!!
Judging from e-mail demands from Dragon this past week JLP is of the opinion that she was a stalker in a previous lifetime.
Dragon…..please consider this to be your receipt complete with Australian Bullshit Number.
Also playing again is fonegal GirlFromMelbourne, everybodys girlfriend, if the credit card hasn’t expired.         Cocomum has escaped from the kitchen, where she was locked by her kids, to play in AFL2001.
Everybody’s pain in the arse, TheChef is playing again this year.   Bastard.!
After a quick visit to the land of pomp and pageantry during the off season  Ozipom finally admitted that VB country was a better place to have roots.
Last years players will remember TheSaint, a sad excuse of a Tipster trained beyond his intelligence.
Also in the limited intelligence crew….Macman.
From CaneToadCountry SirGee has thrust his lance in the AFL2001 ring.
Multivac is playing again this year…….only because I really had to let him.
Hal2001 is supposed to be an upgrade of Hal2000….let’s hope so.!!
Just out of the oven, crisp and ready, we have KrustyRoll looking to sandwich the right end of the salami come September in AFL2001.
We know from previous years that Sharebare is a bottom feeder.   Joining him in his affection for the bottom of the harbour is MrBig, who uses the harbour in close liaison with his business associates, to test the sinking speed of concrete shoes.
From behind the iron curtain, sadly not under it, commie pig……CzekMate.
Last year’s gang of one, YellowPeril, who sadly failed kamikaze school for eight straight years, returns again to donate his money.
Emerging again from the bottom of the tipping totem pole is FastForward.
Mental microbe Wazzadon is back……trying to improve on last years third.
Word has it that French girl GeeGee likes horses and is good in the saddle.
CaptainQuirk rejoins this year.     New chums need not worry, last years Tipsters can confirm that it would be hard to understate Quirk’s tipping skills.
Professional pervert Night Owl, still chasing those elusive thrills, is back.
Last year’s most unpopular Tipster, JLP….yea…I’m back too..!!!!

Tip on time.
JLP

Tears Of Joy Flood Tallyroom Floor….JLP Can’t Lose!

“Have I been over educated, or am I really dumb enough to play in AFL2001?“  is a question each of you no doubt asked of yourselves before you took the plunge to attempt to win cash and glory in AFL2001.

After Round One JLP can assure most of you that you are not over educated.

JimB has had a full education and it hasn’t helped him much.         JimB went to Essendon High, a strong AFL school, where he learnt to play AFL, and little else.           In his early twenties He spent many days doing day courses at Flemington and Caulfield while, most evenings, he worked at a part time course at Moonee Valley.           Educated, he turned to Footie tipping for an income in the nineties.       He peaked in AFL2000, where He came last.

Well, we have some seriously deranged Tipsters to compete with JimB this year.        A few have already excelled themselves in week one of AFL2001.

JLP suggests most Tipsters book in early for grief counselling….

New boy Kiwi Bob, not the sharpest quill on the porcupine, who rushed his tips by trying to do them in less than a day ended up tipping draws instead of the tips he intended.       His bleating complaints to the Tallyroom were treated with the derision they deserved.     Mind you Kiwi Bob was not alone.      Also rushing to prove themselves cerebrally vacant were GirlFromMelb and FastForward who also clicked on the draw instead of their intended tip.

Stallions brain also overheated when he logged onto AFL2001 Website.

He made no tips…..put on an insane Wildcard and then fainted from mental exhaustion.          It must now be blatantly obvious to everyone that the sooner Stallion is officially diagnosed as suffering from Foot and Mouth disease the sooner that he can be shot and burnt.

Other significant round one losers were two Tipsters who can take a blow to the head better than most, TheWarden and NightOwl.

And, in one of the more impressive explosions of gay abandon and downright stupidity that JLP has witnessed since 1999 when Rooboy put in his weekly tips without naming a team, Moongoon opened AFL2001 season by playing eight Wildcards in the first round.      There is no justice….he got 20 points.

JLP wants to know what BlueVicar did to get on-side with God over the off season.                BlueVicar’s perfect first round in AFL2001…..earning him five bonus points, is highly suspicious and is indicative that BlueVicar put in a considerable amount of overtime in the confessional over the summer.

Fourteen points this week by TheSaint is also indicative that he has lent his hand to polishing his halo regularly over the off season.

Many of you would have received jibberish, in the form of an E-mail, from CzekMate during the week giving evidence to the extent of the inbreeding in his family.           If there are any Tipsters who want to do the planet a favour and letter-bomb CzekMate his address is available from the Tallyroom.

Of the new blood Sir Gee, a hard man to insult, had a good start.

Also MrBig, who joined us with more wraps on himself than Tutankhaman, got off to a reasonable start for the year.       Not such a good start though for TwoHands who couldn’t even find the Website to get some tips in.

$$$ money $ money $ money $$$     The Prizes are…..

In a fit of pique JLP has decided to alter the prize distribution again this year.

AFL2001, in the spirit of AFL, will give most of the money to the elite…we will pay most cash to the top eight this year.          Tied scores will share the prize.

We have 40 starters.     Our Prize Pool is $2,200.oo.     Prizes as follows.

1^st Place…….$ 800.oo            2^nd Place…….$ 300.oo            3^rd Place…….$ 200.oo
4^th Place…….$ 175.oo            5^th Place…….$ 150.oo            6^th Place…….$ 125.oo
7^th Place…….$ 100.oo            8^th Place…….$   80.oo  15^th Place…...$   50.oo
25^th Place…...$    50.oo  35^th Place…...$   50.oo            Woodie……...$ 100.oo

 AFL2001 Wet AFL-Guernsey Prize…(First Sheila)…………………$   20.oo

A few quick points to note…….The Woodie is worth getting this year.     Almost none of you can win AFL2001 so you could do worse than consider taking a leaf from FastForwards  book and making a move for the Woodie early.          If you really want the Woodie you will need to start losing points early if you intend to undertip the likes of previous failures Macman, JimB, Saddam, Stallion, ……oh…..and not to forget newboy KiwiBob.

This year the Tallyroom, in recognition of male superiority, has introduced a special prize, only available to Tipsters with tits and no balls, of $20.oo..!!!!!

The Tallyroom is confident that all the sheila’s will love the name.

There is a Ladder, sort of, below.

The Abridged (PrizeMoney) Ladder…

Many of you, with assistance from relatives or friends who are smarter than you are, will be able to log onto the Website to view the Ladder.     Others, and I’m talking the likes of KiwiBob, KingGee, Macman JimB and co., won’t.

For those unfortunates who struggle to log-on to the world of the cyberwaves where nothing is produced and everything is used or abused JLP will provide an abridged Ladder, for the Prizeplaces only, for you to get depressed over.

1.                  BlueVicar
2.                  MoonGoon
3.                  CzekMate
4.                  Hal2001
5.                  JimB
6.                  Karltongue
7.                  Sharebare
8.                  Sir Gee 
15.                  Jethro’s Sister
25.                  KrustyRoll
35.                NightOwl
Wettie……Dragon
Woodie…Stallion

You may now leave the Twilight Zone.

YellowPeril Fails Again….Yankees Almost Get Away.

Volunteered for extermination by his family at an early age YellowPeril, was enrolled at the Canott Gowong Kamikaze Kindergarten well before his first nappy change.        To the eternal shame of his family, YellowPeril is the only surviving member of that kindie class.     Their misery continued this week.!!

YellowPeril, when ordered to crash into the biggest plane in the world, could do no better than clip its propellers on his first pass.     Then, to the humiliation of his family and the disappointment of AFL2001 Tipsters YellowPeril chickened out.     Quicker than a Chinese orgasm, he astonished observers by pointing his cockpit in the direction of home and, after interrogation, settled down to study the AFL formguide and put in a reasonable AFL tipping round.

Meantime, out over the ocean, the chinks couldn’t believe their luck.    In JLP’s eyes the stage was set for the yankee pilot to go out in glory and dump the spyplane anywhere in ten million square miles of ocean.     Not to be.!!  The gutless pilotess ignored the opportunity of eternal paradise by way of the ocean and instead set the plane down on the ground in the backyard of the local division of the chink CIA.

It is now apparent to JLP that those damn yankees have run out of John Wayne clones and the Pentagon are now getting girls to do their flying.     What a dumb idea..!!!!            JLP could have told the Pentagon years ago that it’s hard enough to get a girl to go down at the best of times.

Easy Points Up For Grabs.

In an attempt to improve his tipping CaptainQuirk recently went to Melbourne for a few days and landed in a dive in downtown St Kilda.    It was disgusting.! There were names, phone numbers and perverted obscenities scrawled all over the walls along with crude drawings of male and female genitalia.        CaptainQuirk felt right at home.     Unable to locate GirlfromMelbournes  phone numbers on any of the walls CaptainQuirk didn’t know who to call.

Despite offering a good cross section of the local population varying amounts of money CaptainQuirk ended up spending the night alone………which leads us to the first GallupPoll for AFL2001.

For three easy points just respond to the Tallyroom with your answer to the following question before 6:00 pm Friday……….

“ Which Tipster should CaptainQuirk have called when he arrived in Melbourne….and what would he, she or it have said to him..?? “

Where To See And Hear AFL In Syd..Melb..Brbn..!!

For those Tipsters domiciled in Sydney, there is a reasonable coverage of AFL now available for our eyes and ears.       All Saturday arvo games can be heard on radio AM702.       For games on Friday nights, Saturday nights and all day Sunday tune into Newsradio AM630.        The TV stations will just broadcast whatever Big Brothers Kerry and Rupert feel like watching today.

For those Tipsters domiciled in Brisbane….I don’t give a shit.

For those Tipsters domiciled in Melbourne there is AFL, and only AFL, broadcast 24 hours a day, every day, on all airwaves and frequencies.

For Tipsters in USA…CommieCountry…KiwiCountry and Singapore…tough !

The Ladder……

There were a few success stories in this weeks tipping.      Two new boys lead the field after round two.     Enjoy it while you can SirGee, one of us Tipsters just behind you is going to give you the lance soon enough.!!

Also climbing up the ladder this week is Harejelly.         No worries there.!!!
As soon as Harejelly walks anywhere near a mirror he will forget to tip as his alter ego ogles and preens himself for a week or two.

Of the rest..there are a few Tipsters in AFL2001 that really should be certified.

MoonGoon  for one has spent too much time in the upper atmosphere asphyxiating his brain.   This week he continued his death wish tipping system and paid the price.      From second to thirty fifth in one weekend.    Idiot..!!

Saddam was another Tipster this week who ended up trying a tipping manoeuvre more dangerous than a John Hopoate tackle.    A Wildcard on West Coast has given Saddam the stand out woodie on the ladder this week.

RooBoy, a good man to phone if you want to get depressed, is another who would benefit from a stint in the nearest asylum.         Sadly RooBoy has degenerated to a shadow of his former insignificance, he is limping along in 34^th place, which admittedly, is better than the team he supports.

Above a wrinkly bag containing two biological globes, protruding from a dense growth of bristly hair, is the appendage wherein Stallion keeps his main brain. Judging from Stallions tipping effort last week JLP confidently assumes that Stallion had his brain in his hand when compiling his round two tips.

There’s more news….but no more room.
The abridged Ladder is below.
JLP.

GallopPoll Confirms CaptainQuirks Unpopularity !!

Happily not all Tipsters responded to last weeks GallupPoll question.

For those that did, the pain inflicted by their idiotic use of Wildcards in round three will have been marginally minimized with the three GallupPoll Points.

Responses received in the Tallyroom were, in general, fairly lame…but, three points is three points.     Here is what some of you said….

Multivac felt that a call to BlueVicar asking for help would have been Quirk’s best option.    Though Multivac was quick to point out that this would not benefit Quirk at all because Quirk is beyond all help.

From FastForward….” As long as he doesn’t call me I don’t care.!”

GeeGee was quick to establish that if Quirk  had called her she would have told him to get lost.     Not so polite were Karltongue, MoonGoon and Partner, who suggested that Quirk would call JimB.    
Those same Tipsters were unanimous in suggesting that JimB’s response was unprintable.

MrBig suggests that to even go to Melbourne is a sign that Quirk is forgetting to take his daily brain pill.    A quick call to GeeGee would soon alert him to the fact that that he is several nuts short of a full bolt.

GirlFromMelb said that Quirk had, in fact, actually called her first.   However, the fact that he had exceeded the credit limit on all his credit cards prevented her from having any oral contact with him.

Harejelly said CaptainQuirks first call should have been to VodkaBoy  to arrange a pissup.      VodkaBoys response…..….”I’m not paying.!!”

Macman thought a call to ELjai  would be the best option for Quirk.

Macman may have been right.      ELjai would have told Quirk to call KrustyRoll  at her Bakery to arrange a date and check out her Hot XXX buns.

Meantime KrustyRoll, verifying ELjai’s sentiments, confirms that she had the viagra ready for Quirks visit and that she had also arranged for a supply of oysters from TheChef to be on hand for herself.

JimB, on the other hand, feels Dragon would have been the person to call if Quirk intended cumming in Melbourne…..she has access to micro-condoms.

TheChef  thought that Quirk had called TheSaint.

Jethro’s Sister also said Quirk would call Saint.   The chat would be short..

Quirk would have hollered….“ Hey Saint – They’re running out of Kangaroo jerseys to wipe my ass with in here….could you send Careys down..!! “

Dragon  thought a call to BlueVicar may be in order.     Onya  says KrustyRoll was the person for Quirk  to call if he needed a bit of dough.

SirGee obviously had had a skinful when he put together his GallupPoll….…."As the GirlfromMelbourne had her TwoHands full with the Stallion’s Krusty Roll at the NightOwl club drinking with the VodkaBoy, Captain Quirk, who Wazzadon in his day, was quite a MrBig until TheWarden caught him – should have called Jethro’sSister     As she couldn’t meet CaptainQuirk, she suggested he call Karl, TheChef and Partner at the BlueVicar club and get tips straight from Karl’sTongue.
After a few JimB’s, Quirk rang the Punter’sPal to get a few tips on the GeeGees but ended in a CzekMate situation.  He rang SirGee who suggested he FastForward on to TheSaint and Dragon Winebar, order a triple YellowPeril cocktail, saddle up with the HollywoodHunk for a bit of HareJelly and ShareBare activity.  Good Onya."

From Hal2001…”You miserable bastard JLP, why is this the second time that Quirk has been the subject of a GallupPoll and I haven’t had one.??”

From CaptainQuirk…I fucking hate Melbourne.

Seven overly confident Tipsters declined the opportunity for three points.

Thirty three Tipsters extend their appreciation to BlueVicar, Wazzadon, ShareBare, TheWarden, Stallion, RooBoy and Saddam for giving the rest of us a three point head start on them.

Prepare Now….CrystalBalls Due Before Round 5..!!

Before the commencement of Round Five (6:00 pm April.25) all Tipsters must provide the Tallyroom with their CrystalBall predictions for this year.

AFL2001 requires that you predict the following……
Grand Final Winner                                    10 pts
Grand Finalists                                             5 pts each
Top Eight Teams                                          5 pts each
Bottom Eight Teams                                    5 pts each
Last Team (After round22)                         10 pts
Best Percentage                                         10 pts
Worst Percentage                                       10 pts
LeadingTipster (After round22)                 10 pts
Last Tipster      (After round22)                  10 pts

For the newies….more details on CrystalBalls next week..!!!

The Ladder…….WildCards One…….Tipsters Nil !!

Tipsters in AFL2001 will now have realized that the only thing better than getting a Wildcard home is seeing other Tipsters drop five points when they play their Wildcards.     Many Tipsters, JLP included, are hurting this week.

Going to great lengths to make other Tipsters happy this week was MrBig who dropped from 2^nd to 22^nd  after playing two injudicious Wildcards.

Other Tipsters who confirmed that they now have less brains than they were born with were CzekMate, JLP, Karltongue, TheChef, PuntersPal, Stallion,    Ozipom, ELjai, Moongoon, Dragon and a host of others including KiwiBob…(though we knew that about him already !!)

HollywoodHunk, whose opinion is as fixed as TheChef’s runny custard changed his tips at the very last minute this week.    That cost him 6 pts.

A few words of encouragement regarding Wildcards from Moongoon…
…Moongoon and Confucious say….”Man with no Wildcards left can go no lower.”

I can’t bear to write anymore….it is all just toooooo depressing.

The abridged Ladder follows….Read it and weep…..I did.
JLP

The Ladder…It Just Keeps Getting Worse !!

For the second consecutive week the idiots stood up to be counted.

You have to feel sorry for Saddam.    The only Tipster to admit that he had no chance of winning AFL2001, Saddam set his sights on getting this years woodie from the outset.    Were Saddam competing against Tipsters with a near normal level of intelligence he would, by this time, be assured of getting his hands firmly around the woodie, allowing him to stroke and fondle it at his leisure.  However he has seriously overestimated the calibre of his opposition. Saddam now finds himself in a dogfight with almost every other Tipster in AFL2001 in his quest for infamy in particular Stallion, a hands on the woodie specialist from way back.

It seems quite probable that this years AFL2001 winner will come from those patient Tipsters that have held onto their Wildcards to use later in the season.

Partner, who is still looking for that perfect tree to live in, might be a chance.

KingGee is going better at footie tipping than he is in his love life.   KingGee is still reeling from the fact that his last date was arrested for prostitution.       In fact, it has now been so long since KingGee has had sex that he can’t even remember who ties up who anymore.

Another potential shrewdie, who has kept his Wildcards in his pocket, is pocket-billiard specialist Wazzadon.       Also keeping himself in contention is last years woodie, JimB, who is keeping his cards so close to his chest that Onya doesn’t have to give him a bib at breakfast time anymore.

VodkaBoy is raving over his chances in AFL2001.

Sharebare fancies himself as both a footie tipster and a golfer.    As far as golf goes he has been playing the game for over twenty years and, to this day, the best drive he has ever had is his drive to the golf course.

Another Tipster who could put in a fast finishing burst in AFL2001 is the lady most popular with her relatives, Jethro’sSister, who, according to her jealous cousin Cal, changes mounts faster than a pony express rider.

FastForward may be a contender this year.    She has raised her standards from previous years.     Her new years resolution in 2001 was that she will only go out with men who have necks and an IQ of over 40.

To improve his chances in AFL2001 TwoHands has gone bush to meditate and contemplate.    JLP expects that he will soon realise that he is the sap.

All Tipsters should read the next page……(which is between this sentence and the abridged Ladder for those that may be confused by those directions !)

This Week….Tip Before The Two-Up School Starts..!!

Tipsters this Wednesday will no doubt partake in that good old Ozzie tradition of a couple of cases of VB followed by a quick flick down at the local two-up school before they set out to find a Sheila who will shag them after the footie on Wednesday arvo.                      And so they bloody well ought to.!!!         Our forefathers slogged it out in the trenches at Gallipolli against a cheating gang of swarthy spicks, reeking of garlic, so that we would remember them.

Remember also that you have to tip before 2:00 pm Wednesday..!!!!!!

CrystallBalls Due This Week....Last Chance For Most !!

Having witnessed two weeks of pathetic tipping by Tipsters in AFL2001 we all will undoubtedly welcome the chance to have our last throw of the AFL2001 dice this week to try and get back into the contest.      In short, this is now desperation time for most Tipsters.      In racing parlance this years CrystallBalls will represent the ‘get out stakes’ for the vast majority of Tipsters.

CrystallBall Refresher course for those that have forgotten…

….Tipsters will predict AFL results, as listed below, before 6:oopm Friday.
(For those Tipsters that do not advise their CrystallBalls in the same format as listed below JLP will ensure that you are punished at some stage of the year.)

Grand Final Winner                        10 pts                         St Kilda
Grand Finalists                          5 pts each                St Kilda / Roos
Top Eight Teams                      5 pts each                 St Kilda / Roos / Wcst / Fmtl / Adel / Brbn / Carl / Sydney
Bottom Eight Teams                5 pts each                  Esdn / Hawn / Rich / Melb / Wdgs / Coll / PtAd / Geel
Last Team (After rnd 22)            10 pts                         Rich
Best Percentage                         10 pts                         Fmtl
Worst Percentage                       10 pts                         Sydney
LeadingTipster (After rnd 22)     10 pts                        RooBoy
Last Tipster      (After rnd 22)      10 pts                       Wazzadon

( Note…..Any Tipster failing to provide The Tallyroom with their CrystallBalls before Friday will receive the above selections as their CrystallBalls..!!!! )

….Each Tipster will receive 150 points next week on the assumption that all their CrystallBall predictions are correct.

…During the second half of the season…as the stupidity of your predictions becomes obvious to all and sundry The Tallyroom will have great pleasure in deducting points off your score for any incorrect CrystallBall predictions.

The Abridged Ladder Is Here...

Another Bad Week…JLP Is Put Through The Wringer !

Just when life is looking good and JLP’s footie prospects are on the improve Tipsters begin to inflict their presence upon JLP.    It’s been a bad week.

To begin JLP found himself in a fourball on a golf course with ShareBare, always an embarrassing experience.    With a golf swing that he could only have learnt from an epileptic gorilla ShareBare commenced carving up the golf course from the first tee.     Even before ShareBare had finished nine holes the Greenkeeper had compiled his resignation, complete with suggestions for removal of ShareBare’s arms at the earliest opportunity.

It was all downhill from there.      MoonGoon, so ugly he could scare a Great Dane out of a butchers shop, snuck in a surprise visit to JLP.   It was horrible.

Saturday night the impossible happened…………it got worse.!!!!         RooBoy came to dinner.      RooBoy…who would need thousands of dollars worth of education to achieve a respectable level of farting let alone eating.

Then, to put rancid icing on an already putrid cake, Sunday had CzekMate advising JLP that he was visiting Australia in June and expected to be staying with JLP.      Worse still, he concluded his e-mail to the Tallyroom with the ominous words…” you will hear from me again whether you like it or not.!! ”

The Ladder……Some Of Us Are Getting Better.

For the first time this year most Tipsters have not shamed themselves.

For a refreshing change we had a few perfect rounds this week and many Tipsters finished with six or seven winners.     Only Eljai, who’s tipping suggests that her brain operates at the speed of dark, managed to maintain her tragic performance of previous weeks.     She was in the company of the usual suspects, Saddam, Stallion and Co., with her poor round.

PuntersPal, who backed his horse on Saturday at twenty to one, only to see it finish at twenty past four, had a better weekend with his footie tipping getting home two wildcards in a perfect round……27 points.    There is hope for all..!!

Our prince of vanity, HollywoodHunk, was another to fluke a perfect round.

Another Tipster blessed with the luck of the Irish this week, scoring a perfect round, was the democratic infiltrator with the sloped forehead, YellowPeril.

Ozipom, who’s hair has never met a saucepan that it couldn’t clean, was another to have a reasonable round of tipping.

This weeks perfect round has confirmed SirGee as AFL2001’s chief megaturd.

The Ladder follows somewhere below….

All CrystallBalls Received…Thanks For The Laugh.

One cheering factor for the Tallyroom this week has been the complaints received over the early lodgement of AFL2001 CrystalBall predictions.

KingGee just got his CrystalBalls in on time.    He apologised for his almost lateness but explained that he got tied up during the week…and got laid.

TwoHands looks to be a fast learner.     He prefixed his E-mail to the Tallyroom with the words…”here is my pathetic attempt at CrystalBalls…”

MoonGoon, when nominating the woodie said  “Saddam…..A Last Master.!”

RooBoy emphasised that he had to consume a lot of alcohol before compiling his CrystalBalls.
His selections confirmed that.

If there was ever any doubt that Saddam would end up with the woodie that doubt was removed when his CrystalBalls were received in the Tallyroom.

Not only did Saddam put both his Grand Finalists into his bottom eight…He then proceeded to nominate a completely different team to win the Flag.

From ShareBare, at his eloquent best…….”The Tallyroom can go and get fucked for putting this kind of pressure on Tipsters so early in the season.”

Your CrystalBall predictions will be unveiled, in all their glory, next week.

Here’s the Ladder
JLP

The Tallyroom To Close For An Indefinite Period !!!!

Round about this time of the season most Tipsters will have realised that they have no chance of winning AFL2001, that they have been seriously ripped off, and Tipsters will be also wondering what JLP has done with all the money.

Your entrance money has been well spent.   The Tallyroom is being relocated.

New address, telephone and fax numbers will be advised after June 8 2001.

The relocation process brings with it some difficulties in regard to the continuity of AFL2001, specifically the weekly footie report.      JLP will be able to compile the report next weekend (May.13) but will then go off the air until the weekend of June.17.     There are a number of options available.

In a magnanimous gesture JLP has decided to throw open the keyboard of the Tallyroom to Tipsters of AFL2001 who may wish to volunteer to compile one or more weekly report for Tipsters for the four weeks that the Tallyroom is in hibernation.     Tipsters who volunteer to compile one or more reports should advise JLP of their intentions and the weeks that they can assist.

As an incentive for volunteers one bonus point will be given to volunteer Tipsters for each report that they compile.      Should the Tallyroom receive more volunteers than are required…(In reality JLP doubts that any Tipster will put their hand up to volunteer)….JLP will advise you which week will be allocated to you.

Great News For Thirty Seven Tipsters….!

Three Tipsters were late in submitting their CrystalBall tips to the Tallyroom.

All in all JLP was overwhelmed by this response, having anticipated that most of you were not even able to read the instructions let alone understand and then apply them.           JLP was happy to accept the late submissions.       Not so Multivac, one of the gang of three Tipsters who represent the merciless Tribunal of AFL2001.        Multivac, our man who worships the precision of the hour, went ballistic.       One time limit for all is his creed.

Multivac was particularly keen to enforce the time limit when he learnt that TheSaint, the third member of the gang of three, was one of the late Tipsters.

After some virulent debate the gang of three voted unanimously, three nil, that the late Tipsters would not be required to have the CrystalBalls of the Tallyroom imposed upon them.   Over the ensuing days, after coming to blows a number of times, the gang of three voted unanimously, two to one, that the three late Tipsters would have one of their CrystalBall predictions altered.

It is therefore with considerable pleasure that JLP advises HollywoodHunk, TheSaint and SirGee and that their selection for last placed Tipster has been changed from Saddam to Multivac.      Simply speaking guys…you will be ten points down the tube later on in the season because Saddam finishing last is as sure as JLP continuing masturbating until his dying day.

Tallyroom To Close…….Continued…!!

So..!!!!     Who will volunteer to take the opportunity to heap shit on JLP…??

MrBig, the human marshmallow..??       SirGee, for revenge purposes only..!
NightOwl…to prove he can write..??    TheWarden, to inflict some discipline.
ShareBare, to vent his spleen, so it can receive the same amount of aeration as his brain..??
Maybe TheSaint, who will do anything for a point..??
Definitely not Karltongue, whose casual attitude to full time employment is indicative of his approach to anything which involves work.

What are your thoughts..??      Whatsay a GallupPoll on the subject…??

For three easy points just respond to the Tallyroom before 6:00 pm this coming Friday, to the following question….
……..” Which Tipsters do you think will volunteer to do the footie report for any of the four weeks that the Tallyroom is in recluse…….and why..??

Don’t be late…..Multivac is watching you……and me..!!

The Ladder……….ShareBare Tips Badly Again…!!

SirGee should be nervously looking over his shoulder in AFL2001.    His lead is now only two points.     In fact, if ShareBare was a halfway decent Tipster he would be in the lead now and the tyrannical reign of SirGee would be over.

Admittedly, with his five correct wildcards last weekend ShareBare scored an AFLTipcomp record of 29 points……..but as all will agree he was, yet again, an abject failure.    Where was the perfect round ShareBare…???

TheChef, who is making a killing in his salmonella den of a restaurant with his latest gimmick, “Freshly Squeezed Water”, managed to score a perfect round.

Even Tipsters as incompetent as Hal2001 and Dragon picked a perfect round.

What gives ShareBare.??    Show us some respect…set a decent standard.!!!

More good news this week, TheSaint, or more aptly, TheJudas of AFL2001, who took considerably less than forty pieces of silver to be persuaded to turn traitor upon his allegedly beloved Roos, has finally dropped out of the top 8.       Holistic revenge..??     Thank the Lord…..God does have a sense of humour.!

Meantime, from deep within the mass of mediocrity, the two pees, Partner and PuntersPal have slimed their way up into the top eight.

If you really want to look…….the Ladder is below.
JLP

Tallyroom Basks In Accusations Of Cheating !!!!

No Tipsters thought the Tallyroom ruling on the 3 late CrystalBalls was fair.

Using the most vile language, moans and groans have been pouring into the Tallyroom all week from Tipsters with emphatic claims of cheating, bribery, foul play and corruption by Tallyroom Personnel.       Wonderful stuff.

TheSaint, with Doctors Certificate in hand, begged for the reinstatement of his original CrystalBall predictions before his alter ego took over to unleash a vitriol of obscenities that until now were thought only to be spoken at TheJudas not by TheJudas.        Then, after a good sulk, in a dubious gesture of conciliation, TheSaint invited Multivac and JLP to lunch but has requested that we stand in a line because he has only one bullet.

With temporary dignity SirGee, took the bad news for a full 24 hours before he lost control and sent his threats into the Tallroom, complete with ominous ramifications in regard to walking on dark streets and in dingy bars, the type of establishment which, we can only presume, SirGee likes to frequent.

Not to be denied, bad loser Karltongue then hoed into the debate with his rantings and accusations of leniency by the Tallyroom.        Karltongue demanded that the three late Tipsters be obliged to accept the original Tallyroom CrystalBalls, providing that they had been stoned to death first.

Then, dazed and smiling, FastForward, promptly volunteered for the stoning.

Moan all you want…!!!!     It’s weeks like this that make it all worthwhile..!!

Sneak Previews Of Coming Attractions….!!!!!

FastForward, TheSaint, Saddam and Moongoon are the desperates who have had their hand put up for them to do a footie report over the coming four weeks.      Three of these unfortunates have volunteered solely for the purpose of getting that valuable bonus point.    Saddam has volunteered on the basis that he does not get any bonus point so as he does not jeopardise his chances of grabbing the Woodie.

Next week’s footie report will be brought to you through the jaundiced eyes of TheSaint, who has asked that he go first so that he can set the standard for those that follow behind him.          So as those following TheSaint have the lowest possible level to aspire to JLP has accepted Saints offer to go first.

The week after Saint has had his moment of glory we should be in for a real laugh when FastForward puts her solitary thought to paper in the guise of a footie report.    The following week, by popular demand, Saddam will pen the third report in this years series of guest footie compilations.      A long term sufferer of congenital stupidity, Saddam may take time to sing the praises of Adelaide in between berating JLP.             Then, when you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it will, MoonGoon will write the last guest report.     After MoonGoons efforts with wildcards many Tipsters are of the opinion that MoonGoon is in urgent need of a lobotomy.     JLP expects Moongons report will verify these opinions.                Stay tuned…..if you think you can bear it.

Some GallupPoll Responses……

Last week’s GallupPoll claimed nine victims.     Are you all so confident that you feel you can ignore three easy points every few weeks…???

To those of you who don’t bother to respond…..my heartfelt thanks…
……I will be thinking of you as I bank the cheques at the end of the season.

From those that did respond….a few samples of the jibberish…

From Stallion…. ”TheSaint should volunteer.    Then he could tell everyone about your crappy cheating rigged competition.    I want more points..!!! “

TwoHands thinks Karltongue will volunteer to do the footie report so Karl can change the rules (like JLP) to give himself a chance of winning.

From Partner…I’ll volunteer, but I won’t do it…gimme a point for volunteering.
From Jethro’sSister…” Who’s stupid enough to want your job..??? “
From VodkaBoy…”Harejelly should do it….I always have to do everything.”
From Harejelly…”VodkaBoy should do it….I always have to do everything.”
From KiwiBob…” JLP….What have you got against sheep..???”
From Hunk…..” Dragon, Chef, NightOwl..I don’t know what I’m saying…”
From YellowPeril…’ I can’t write it…if I do a tank might run over me.”
From Hal2001…” I want a GallupPoll about me, you bastard !! “
From a bitter and twisted Saint……”JLP….GO SCREW YOURSELF..!! “
From RooBoy…Karltongue will volunteer…no doubt his effort will win the “Pullit Sir” Prize.

From ShareBare…ever friendly….”I won’t be writing your weekly trash sheet now give me my three fuckin’ points !!”

From Wazzadon …..“ Will Saddam do a report..??     His tips are so out there I would love to see a few paragraphs from this mind.”

From CzekMate…” JLP this Tipping Competition sucks..!!    You’re a tyrant.!!!   If you wanted to be a Dictator you should have stayed in the Fatherland.”

There were more….but all as bad as this lot.

The Ladder

We are sure GeeGee is cheating but have not yet been able to prove it.
It seems ShareBare has peaked too early and has now started his slide.
Like the horses he backs NightOwl is giving the leaders a big start.
TheWarden, like an accountant in a world without money, is totally lost.

Of the ‘smokers’ just behind the leading pack…Wazzadon still has not played any wildcards.      
PuntersPal is still prepared to back himself.    YellowPeril won’t go away.
JimB would be a chance if he bothered to tip each week.

Of the rest of the rabble…..

……Anglicans take heart.      MrBig does not like Jehovahs Witnesses....
....... Tho’ Anglicans shouldn’t get too excited….MrBig doesn’t like any witnesses.

Surprisingly CaptainQuirk actually has some really good weeks of tipping….it just the other weeks that are ruining his chances.

Thank goodness…..I’ve run out of space.
Back in a month
JLP

Big Brother is watching…

Just like the twisted excuse for the TV show – JLP has gone from calling the action in the footie report to just watching it happen.

I must admit I’m happy and nervous at the same time about being the first smeghead off the rank to write a report. I have the same feeling that black soldiers in the American Civil War had when they were told to take that cannon over the hill and we’ll all watch from back here…

I feel like its my duty as the only compassionate member (who is constantly outvoted) of the “tally room trio” to inform you of the changes that are taking place for the AFL2002 tipping comp as the other two would wish to keep you in the dark…

If you think this year has been run by a bunch of uncaring Nazis – then wait for this!!

The following changes will be in place for next year as we play…

AFL2002 – Survivor edition

• All tipsters will be placed in a large underground complex for the 22 weeks of the home and away season.
• Tipsters are then divided into 2 equal teams… the names of the 2 “tribes” are the “bombers” and the “dockers” (no guessing which tribe is going in with a head start)
• Multivac has taken his control of the comp to a new level – this complex is filled with state of the art equipment. It will be impossible for you to do or say anything that he doesn’t see or hear. And by the way did you know that when you signed on for this year’s comp that it gave multivac access to all your personal files on the net through the entering of your password!? Or that he has the technology to “see” you through your computer screen? Now think about it… what do you wear when you sit down to enter your tips? Is your computer in your bedroom at night???
• The 2 tribes will play each other in games of physical and mental superiority… (pray that JimB is not on your team). The winning tribe will receive rewards such as “Now we can flush the toilet” – “Our heating made easy” and “Extra hour sleep”

The ladder will remain… but a new twist is added for the person at the bottom. Since the person coming last obviously has no knowledge of AFL whatsoever they will be given the benefit of a 2 hour uninterrupted conversation with our resident “F.I.G. Just ask me!!” (Fuck I’m Good). This we have called “Koffee with Karl. Karl will inform the losing tipster of where he has gone wrong and include such delights as… “Why Carlton is the best” – “16 flags just count them” – “Kouta the man with 3 testicles” and “Carlton! Fascism reborn!”

If by some stroke of insane luck Karl is at the bottom then we all get to play “Kick Karl in the Kods”.

Everyone’s favourite tipster Macman dropped one place this week even though his mistake at tipping Adelaide paid off!! Macman, who spends most his time concentrating on how much air is going into his lungs, (poor bastard) tried to combine tipping and watching “Star Trek”, all while adding hallucinogenics to his machine. This led him to repeatedly click on the “away team”.

Sir Gee, who we have heard from a reliable source has “a face like a dropped pie”, managed to hold on to his lead but the pack is fast approaching. At least he got his Freo wildcard dropped and out of the way…speaking of which…

AFL2001 has claimed its first victim. HareJelly, who must be the sole surviving Fremantle supporter, was at the game on Saturday afternoon....as HareJelly watched, the Crows began to demolish his beloved team.

At quarter time the Dockers were being thumped 6 goals to 1.
This was as much as HareJelly could take…
As he began to scream at Damien Drum to “DOOOOOO SOMETHINGGG!!!”
The tendons of his neck straining… His voice cracking… Eyes bulging from his head and his face going a wrong, deep crimson colour… He woke to find himself in Fremantle hospital. Docker players said they wish to visit HareJelly but he has threatened to douse himself in petrol and throw himself burning from the roof if they do.

Finally, TheGirlFromMelbourne will have a busy week since Rodney Eade has asked her to round up as many colts as she can find because the Swans need to “Get Some Balls!!”

The Ladder in some form is at the bottom… FastForward is next weeks guest author. Look for the results of Round 9 and the ladder to be done by this Thursday!!                                                                                          TheSaint…

Round 9 AFL2001 Footy Report (from FastForward)

They came, they played, some won, some lost and I didn't get a perfect round (again !!).

I could say that I am glad to see someone succeed and get a perfect round (KrustyRoll and Onya) but I'm not. In fact, it really depresses me and, I'm sure, all the other losers oops tipsters.

I am however, glad to see that I am still ahead of JLP and KingGee and hopefully (actually a miracle would be nice) I will get a perfect round next week with a couple of Wild Cards thrown in PLUS my extra point for this magnificent piece of footy journalism.

Oh Saint can't you put in a good word for me with the Big Guy ? Please remember that I am talking about the Big G here - not one of your pussy Kangaroo boys. He's is so obviously helping you, how else can one explain your position on the ladder ? Not to mention The Chef and the other tipsters up there.

Perhaps it is too late to appeal to TheSaint (or RooBoy for that matter) after Friday night's game - how is it possible that 'professional' (obviously I use that term loosley) football players can give away such a lead ??? I am thinking The Saint and Rooboy are very seriously questioning their cognitive powers (then again aren't we all for even getting into this crazy comp ??

So enough - gimme the point.........FastForward

A message from office of Saddam

Now Hear This:

JLP has been placed under house arrest and no longer has control of the tipping comp. He will also no longer be in bold, and will attract a smaller font, thus, JLP.

The Saint has joined him after his naivety in assuming control of AFL 2002: Saint, we’re bringing your “idea” forward by one season and sticking you, solo, in the underground cavern for 22 weeks with the only that awful host of Big Brother for company. No more ideas please. And I am deeply saddened by the public ridicule Fast Forward attracted after that quirky little piece last week. Fast Forward is a misunderstood genius, much like Saddam.

The competition formerly known as Australian Rules Football, is now to be known as the Arabic Football League and we have permanently moved our headquarters to Baghdad. (I think that’s how you spell it – I always get it wrong!)

I, Saddam will also be referred to in more reverent terms. There will be no more mocking of Saddam or you will be banished from the comp. And certainly no mocking after Saddam’s great form over the last few weeks. Did I say Saddam yet? If not, then, Saddam.

Field Marshall Multivac, from here on will be known as Yusef and will be given the latest in Iraqi abacus technology to tally the scores. (Yusef, there’s a couple of beads missing, but if we reduce the comp to 9 rounds, it should be ok.)

You will now benefit greatly from my (Saddam’s) considerable football knowledge as God knows – oops, Alah knows (or is that Alan? I always get those two mixed up!) that none of you knows anything about football. Not one of you!

When I joined this comp, JLP told me that it was a lot like golf; and since then I have played like Tiger Woods! You guys are getting whopping scores each week, while I consistently score well under par. What the hell are you doing?

For those smart enough, you are more than welcome to copy Saddam’s superior tips. Sir Gee and Hal2001 come to mind. I have noticed them to be the worst of all.

There will be a few rule changes to the game now that I have assumed control. For starters, this constant exhibition of knock-ons has got to stop. There are too many infringements in the play the ball area and the scrums have become meaningless. Note that we will be putting these changes into effect from next week. Plus, the oval is too bloody big and I have no idea why those extra flag poles near the uprights don’t have a flag with Saddam on them.

Get the picture? Pretty simple, isn’t it? Much like Fast Forward’s report. You can get more great Saddam ideas and philosophies in my latest novel, Saddam Lucky to be Saddam, by Saddam Hussein, or visit my web site at www.iamsaddamgreat.com.iq. Follow the links to some great porn pics and illegal software.  The porn pics are mainly of Saddam’s wives (37) and some hard-core, yet tasteful, shots of some of my wives with camels. See the results of Fatima after she drank some of my chemical weapons! What a laugh! Enjoy!

Until we coup again,
Love,
Saddam

MoonGoon Speaks...

Hi Guys, Moongoon's turn to influence the tide of AFL tipping..

Consolation to all except jlp that this is the last week before he's back!
Enjoy it, could be another 20 years before he moves again.

THE TOP

Firstly only 4 points between the top four tippers this week. Chef must be real proud of his Melbourne wildcard eh?

THE BOTTOM

Lastly it is about time Czek Mate resigned from his battle with Saddam, good try Chek Mate but Saddam looks safe with the woodie from up here.

Thanks for last weeks dirge, what is all the fuss about new rules? Surely we can take a serious look at some changes though, how about the name of the game to begin with.

VFL sounds catchy? And anyone want shorter games? ok, try playing only one quarter but with 4 balls.
Who wants less games ? ok, try ONLY PLAYING HOME GAMES, that'll fix it.

But for those of you with a deep understanding of the complexities of this wonderful sport please consider:

New Rules:
1)     There will be more than one ball in play at any given time (Max 12).
2)     All spectators to be issued with white flags and coats.
3)     There is no limit on the number of players on the park.
4)     Female players score 12 points a goal and 20 for a behind.
5)     All tipping comps will be left to people whose life has so little in it that they MUST do better than us stand-ins.
6)     The Grand Final will be a 3 day event with NO RULES.

Finally, before moving to the dark side of the Moon, may I please remind you that each week Moongoon's tips are all 100% correct. (It's the results that are wrong).

PS.....Bloody pointy ball!! (check in dictionary what shape a ball is).!!

The Agony Is Over……..JLP Is Back..!!!

How bloody weak were the last four weeks..???

Did any Tipster actually read the drivvle you have been receiving this past month or did all Tipsters instinctively reach for the delete button as any sensible person would.      Saint, FastForward, Saddam Moongoon…..hang your heads in disgust…….everyone else did.!!    It’s been a tough four weeks.

TheSaint started the rot.   Married less than a year, Saint has recently thrown out his treasured volumes of the Encyclopedia Brittanica having now realised that the wife knows everything…..except how to do a footie report.

Second up was FastForward who gave us a concise and snappy excuse for a footie report that was as short as the skirts she wears when she is on the town on the prowl for some action.        The attempt was so unexciting that KrustyRoll even suggested FastForward try a sex change.

The misery was amplified the following week when AFL2001’s token nutcase, Saddam, took over the keyboard.        In a disgusting public exhibition of personal gratification Saddam told us about his camel pictures.

MoonGoon, as expected, did not improve on the tragic efforts of the three previous weeks.    Any further comment would be construed a waste of ink.

We in the Tallyroom do not consider that any of these efforts were worth one AFL2001 point.        In fact we think the Claytons Footie Reports were so bad that the Tallyroom is honour bound to reconsider our overly generous gesture one month ago and demand return of one or more our AFL2001 points.

To deduct or not to deduct, that is the question…..Should one of these Tipsters have one point (at least) deducted from their score.???..….Or. in the case of Saddam, added to his score..!!
Kinda…..Footie Report Point Survivor…!!!

We know that Saint would agree because of his reverence of the Survivor Philosophy whereby you betray those football teams allegedly closest to you.

In all probability FastForward will also say yes, being the kind of girl that will say yes anytime she thinks she can get done.

 What do you think….???                Let’s have a Gallup Poll on the subject….!!!!

Before Friday 6:00 pm….for three points….tell us what you think…

Which Tipster, and why, should return their footie report point?
The nominations are….Saint….FastForward….Saddam….Moongoon.!

(Note….Saddam if you don’t answer this GallupPoll we’re giving three points.)

So, While JLP Was Gone…What’s Been Happening…..

Plastic surgeons worldwide are making a killing operating on patients who think they are ugly.      Scalpel Wielders have christened this epidemic the Imagined Ugliness Syndrome.      One time AFL2001 leader,  TheChef can breathe a sigh of relief…..he is obviously immune to Imagined Ugliness.

Ozzie golfer, the Shark, has been accepted into the golfers Hall Of Fame,,,,the ultimate recognition as the best choker the game has ever known.

Meantime Macman has involved himself in a mind game to the death with JLP which, having no mind to begin with, Macman cannot lose.

 “ Who killed Cock Robin ? “ is a question that has popped up periodically in human history since time began.          Why, not so long ago a broken hearted Batman was heard to mutter that very question as he worked on his relationship with his boy wonder.     The GirlFromMelbourne knows..!!        However it must still remain a mystery.      She has sworn herself to secrecy.    GirlFromMelbourne has confided to JLP that if she were to finger herself publicly it would probably be bad for business.

Ozipom declined an invitation to go to the races advising that she does not want to be seen near any jockeys….she thinks they make her look fat.

Our man of dignity has obviously peaked too early.     One time leader SirGee is the only Tipster to have only entered four selections for Round.12 thinking he could do the other four next Friday.        With the away teams as his selections next week we expect to see his ladder dive continue.     For a real belly laugh JLP is hoping for an e-mail from SirGee explaining his logic.

The Ladder

There’s none……..we’ve only played half a round…SirGee will confirm that.

There you have it.       The pretenders have gone and JLP has re-seated himself upon the throne to shower you with compliments.

As you read this I am reaching for the sorbent.

JLP

GallupPoll…..Tipsters Divided On Who To Shaft…!!!

JLP was pretty disappointed that almost all Tipsters responded to the Poll.

All in all Tipsters were undecided on who to rip off.    Because we have no individual Clayton author who is remotely as unpopular as JLP the Tallyroom has decided against any point recall.       A sample of your ramblings….

Onya…..In spite of their infantile attempts give them each a point for bravery.
Dragon…Don't know.    Don't have time.     Don't care.    Just want the three points.
YellowPeril…JLP I have read your latest crude, vile essay.    You have sunk to an even more disgusting level.       No wonder Malaysia hates you guys.

GirlFromMelbourne…Take one off FastForward…..and add one onto Saddam ‘cause his was so good…..(Liked the bit about the camels eh…JLP)

Form GeeGee…Take one point off Saddam….I picked him to come last.

Saint…You don’t want to take off a point you just want to mass debate over it.
From Eljai…Were those things really supposed to be footie reports..??

From Karltongue….”  Your latest footie report was disgusting.!!      Am I the only one whose mind is depraved enough to get all the double entendres??…other than that collection of filth and smut that parades as your mind..!!

From Jethro’sSister…tell me one more time about the GirlFromMelbourne.

Ozipom….Why can’t we vote for taking some points off your score..???

From SirGee….”So…the obnoxious JLP is back.   Take a point off Saint.     JLP……….As to my round 12 tips…Everybody knows that you cannot pick all games in a split round in the first week, you imbecile.       I am sending you my remaining round 12 tips on Friday and if you have one ounce of dignity you will allow me to chart my own demise with my own selections not those imposed by you and the cheating Tallyroom.”       ( Sorry SirGee, one ounce is just way too much dignity for JLP to part with all at once. )

From FastForward….”Leave me and my new best friend Saddam alone.”

From Multivac ……..“Not one of the four has tried to bribe me…Bastards. Take a point of each of them or I will find a way.”

From BlueVicar…after having read the four Claytons Reports at one sitting… ….Aarrggh….the good Lord said there was suffering on this world but I didn’t know it could get this bad.   Dock ‘em all a point for tiring out my delete button.

From TwoHands…Take a point off the lot of them.   I never understood one word of FastForward or Moongoon’s garbage…and the other 2 were worse.

From PuntersPal… What odds you sting each of them a point..??

From Macman… “The beautiful prose from Saddam brought me to tears….I think you should give him 39 points…..one point from each Tipster.”

From KingGee…….FastForward was brief and to the point…my kinda gal.....
....also …there are too many low lifes using MY honoured name "Gee'.  My individuality can only be preserved by breaking away from imitations                Hereinafter my alter ego needs to referred to as 'HardYakka'.    It’s Official.!!      This name change has now been formally implemented by Deed Poll and has been recorded with the Dept of Births, Deaths, Marriages and Morons.

From Hal2001….”I hate you JLP…..!!!”
From VodkaBoy….Trash all four of them….I’ll drink to that.

Of the non-respondents…… TheWarden confirmed that he neglected to collect his brains on the way out of the womb when he again forgot to respond with his GallupPoll before the magic Multivac hour.

Wazza is in dispute with the Tallyroom, as is the norm, over the GallupPoll.
From HollywoodHunk..nothing.    At least something good came of the week.

Happily we have offended MrBig to such an extent that he appears to have cut off all communications with the Tallyroom.

Oh…This is great…..from KiwiBob “I know it’s Saturday and this is a little late but if I don’t get my three points I’m flying into Sydney and coming after you.”........( Hey KiwiBob………..Shit happens !!     Maoris vote !!     Sheep escape !!       You don’t get three points !!    I’ll arrange a taxi for you at the Airport…..JLP )

Rainbows Mirages & CrystalBalls Are On The Horizon.

Does anyone remember their CrystalBalls.??    Does anyone really want to.??
Do you remember how you all whined about putting them in so early….???

MrBig moaned about the whole concept of CrystalBalls for first timers.    He said he would have liked some practice.         MrBig complained that that he never gets anything right the first time he tries it.       On behalf of AFL2001 Tipsters JLP has suggested to MrBig that he takes up skydiving.

Well, you may not remember them but the Tallyroom computer certainly does.

As soon as we find a way to incorporate them onto Multivac’s flash website we in the Tallyroom are going to indulge ourselves and retrieve some of the CrystalBall points we so kindly gave you.       Saddam, you are in our sights..!!

The Ladder And Other Stuff

Since round one of AFL2001 KingGee has been pestering the Tallyroom to change his name.   He feels that there are too many other ‘Gee’s in the comp.   For the past two months he has been signing his messages Smith’s Gee… trying to get across the message that he is the original and best.    Moron..!!

In normal circumstances JLP savours those moments when he can decline any request, however righteous, from Tipsters.    However, KingGee’s latest effort, culminating a tiresome litany of e-mails spanning three months, has inspired JLP into action.     KingGee is desperate to change his name to HardYaka.           In JLP’s opinion anybody who wants to change their name to sound as though they are a chinaman with a boner is welcome to it !!

Bad Tipster and stock market aficionado, ShareBare, has learnt that the only way to make a small fortune on the sharemarket is to start with a big fortune.

Wazzadon is at a low ebb.  He is worried that he may miss out on this weeks GallupPoll points.    He needs cheering up.       Latest word is that he has asked his secretary to book a flight to Bombay so he can kill a few Indians.

I’ve rambled on way too long.    That’s the week.
The mini Ladder is below.
JLP

The Secret Lives Of Tipsters On The Ladder…!!!

Over a morning coffee with friends last week KrustyRoll was overheard to say “ I prefer it strong hard and black…and I like my coffee that way too.!! “

BlueVicar has confessed that the more time he spends communicating with AFL2001 Tipsters the more he likes his blow up doll.

The start of the annual Whale watching season off the Australian east coast has contenders for the AFL2001 Wettie reaching for their make-up.

Biggest improver in AFL2001 over recent weeks has been Night Owl, who does some of his best work in Topless Nightclubs and Strip Bars.

Shortly after being released from the rehab clinic Hollywood Hunk indicated to all and sundry that he has overcome his drug problem…indicating that HollywoodHunk has secured himself a substantial supply of the stuff.

TwoHands, as an experienced parent, is lobbying for the drinking age to be lowered to 5 years old to help keep the ankle biting bastards quiet.

KiwiBob, failed his driving test last week.   Though KiwiBob cruised through the actual driving of the car he failed the written portion of the test miserably ! When asked if he could make a U-Turn KiwiBob, all smiles, boasted….“……Make a ewe turn…you kidding…??……I can make her eyes pop out..!! “

In part due to his moderate success in AFL2001 SirGee is thinking seriously of putting down roots….maybe even finding an indoor place to sleep.

Work for Karltongue is only a word for his style of minimum exertion.

CrystalBalls…….A Taste Of What’s To Come..!!

“ A taste of what’s to come “ is a phrase that JLP would usually expect to overhear in a conversation between dyslexic girls.     However at this point in the season it also applies to Tipsters, and I use the term loosely, in AFL2001.

Round about this time of year, in the middle of winter, when all is at it’s bleakest, the Tallyroom is only too pleased to add to your misery by removing a few points off your score.    A quick trip in our Time Machine has verified our calculations that neither MoonGoon, Saint nor Jethro’sSister will not be the last placed Tipster at the end of Round.22.        Consequently CzekMate Stallion and KiwiBob have found themselves ten points lighter this weekend.

Saddam will be smiling from ear to rear with his minus forty two this week.

AFL2001 Tipsters be warned…..your CrystalBalls are about to be squeezed.

Yesterday’s DickHeads….Where Are They Now..???

Has RooBoy …skipped..??   Has CaptainQuirk been committed yet..?

Does Stallion have nightmares about being a boner donor..??     What has happened to Wazzadon..??      Does Karltongue still wear brown underpants ‘cause he’s still too cheap to buy toilet paper..??
Is JimB sober yet...?

Is Macman still in the room with rubber walls..?      And what about Partner ….is