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Beach Boys…………….‘’ Let’s Do It Again ‘’ ………Late 20^th Century

Having spent the majority of the cricket season  in the company of Insurance Brokers, Bank Managers, Computer Technicians and Newsagents I am convinced that I now have the necessary skills to crook the books, hoodwink all comers, and actually win a tipping competition.

Therefore, after cramming the nightmare of AFL1999 away with the numerous other skeletons in the sludge I call a conscience, JLP is confident of many successes in the new century, starting with a win in tipcomp AFL2000.

The decision to commence AFL2000 was not taken lightly.    Most sane people would rather have open heart surgery without anaesthetic than risk exposure for a second time to the likes of Karltongue, Wazzadon, Blacktown Pete and the rest of the dickheads that we had in AFL1999.

It is therefore with considerable reluctance JLP begins AFL2000 with an invitation to last years tipsters to join in this tipcomp.

In the hope of driving most of you away I am making some changes this year.

…..---              Cost is $50.oo

…..---              Win…Loss…Draw Points will be as per H&A in AFL1999.

…..---              Tipping Deadlines will be as per H&A in AFL1999.

…..---                There will be no LastManStanding in AFL2000.

.….---              Tipsters will be required to submit CrystalBalls for the H&A competition before the start of the seventh round.

…..---              Competition will begin Round 1 (H&A) and end at Grand Final.

…..---              Tipsters will, every now and then, be required to respond to questions for bonus points.

…..---              Each tipster will be required to play a JOKER on each team once during the H&A series.    Each successful play of the Joker will give the tipster double win points…(4 points.)   Losing Joker selections will mean a score of minus four points for that game.

…..---              All entrance payments will go towards prizes for the first ten places at the end of the Grand Final.      Assuming 30 tipsters… …first place would get $600 and tenth would be money back.    (Actuals will be advised after round one).

…..---              As per last year, expect no assistance from me.    It will be your responsibility to know what matches are on and to get your tips in on time…..and to respond to any queries from the tally room.

If you want to play send me an E and send me money.

If you don’t want to play send me an E and make me happy.!!!

If you have friends with values a little to the left of Stalin, or a little to the right of Ghengis Khan, who know nothing of AFL, who feel totally at home in the company of lunatics…..and who can lay their hands on a quick $50, we may be able to include them in AFL2000.      ( And, to prove the absence of any prejudice JLP will not reject murderers, rapists or Catholics this year, though Anglicans will, in all probability, still be required to sit for an entrance examination. )

Wishing you firm appendages aplenty this coming New Century.

Jean Luc Prikhard

AFL2000……… Acceptances Declared !!!

JLP hereby advises starters for AFL2000.   The news is not good.      Of last years starters, all but one have backed up again this year...and it gets worse!! The injection of new blood in this years comp is humanoid negative, at best.

The acceptance speeches received here in the Tally Room were poor…

FastForward “Tipping comps are in my blood……I’m in !!”
TheChef   “ OK.   But can you just explain the bit about Wildcards again.??”
Duke    “ I am there JLP!!    I look forward to kicking your arse in all tipping competitions in the new millennium.”
Partner   “OK.  I’m in.   Can you pay for me till I get to Oz.”
RooBoy  “ Roos.    Roos.    Roos.    Roos.   Roos.    Roos.”
Saddam “ I’m playing JLP.    But you better give me five points start just so you can open your mail this year with peace of mind.”
KingGee       “ A big yes from the hot favourite.”
The Grate Norv  “Yes.   I once won a mug in Transvaal for grenade fishing.”
Onya   “Yep, except I’ve dropped the pussies this year and am going Bare”
Stallion   “Count me in.    It’s easy money.”
Night Owl  “I just read the rules.   What bullshit.  Gimme my money back.”
Ozipom   “ WHAT ???  Do I have to do this again ???”
BlueVicar   “ Is this the tipcomp with the Altar Boys”
Gangsta   “ Fifty bucks, you thieving bastard.   And I thought I was crooked !!”
Wazzadon “Definitely.  This year I expect to be referred to as The Great Man”
VodkaBoy  “ Geez mate, fifty bucks.    That’s serious drinking money !”
KarlTongue            “Yes to AFL2000 JLP….one more person to kick your arse..!”
Sharebare    “JLP, you fucking legend.    I’m brain dead so I’m in.”
MoonGoon  “Yea.  Ok.   But what do the normal people down there do ?”
GirlfromMelb  “I’ll play.   Do I still send photo’s instead of entry money….?
BlacktownPete   “Can I be treasurer ?”
Cocomum  “Yes, OK.   But it had better be more fun than last year.”
Hollywood Hunk “ Only because my agent says I have to.”
JimB   “I’ll play.   I’ll send the money when my punting improves.”
TheSaint  “Tipping comps lead to nothing but gambling and whoring.   I’m in.”
Pokemon   “What…$50…!!!!!!       Dad, that is such a rip.”
ThreeDogs “Yep.   It’ll help compound my drinking problem.”
Speedy    “Definitely yes!!       I enjoy wasting money and embarrassing myself……and this garbage is an excellent opportunity.
Multivac   “ Yes.    Be Warned.  I intend to overwrite last years errors.”
YellowPeril   “Untill the end of the Ming Dynasty Asian half forwards dominated the globe in AFL.   My destiny is to reclaim oriental honour from the infidels down under.  Pay me now.”
Brownose     “If it gets close will you take a bribe again this year ??”
Macman   “ Alright.    Is that another career decision I just made..???”
JLP   “ Thank the suckers for me !!”  

Acceptances were also received from the following....
CaptainQuirk  Three pages of drivvle.
HAL2000    The bastard sent me a virus.!!  

Boring Stuff That Probably Won’t Interest You !

Each of you need to tell me your preferred E address for Weekly reports.

The First Report will be as an attachment.    If, as I suspect, this will be too complicated for you to open you will need to advise JLP so we can organise the Simpletons version to sent to you.

Assuming that all wannabe tipsters mentioned above forward their $50 to JLP before Feb.29 there will be no more acceptances.    If, as JLP hopes, there are drop-outs and places do become available you will be advised March.1.

A number of tipsters have asked to back themselves.   ( JimB loves a punt.)
If enough of you make a noise about this JLP can accommodate a separate pool of funds for the totally desperate tipsters amongst us who want a noisy wager on the side.  

Be smart…….use your Wildcards slowly and wisely.

First game is Wednesday March.8.

Your first round of Tips will need to be in before midday, March.8.  

Computer War…………….AFL Style.

AFL2000 this year will have the clash of the microchip titans unfold before us.

In the blue corner the genuine Deep Blue of AFL computing prowess in the form of HAL-2000 who this year is using only tips as supplied directly from the Monash Computer.    In the red corner we have Multivac, the human computer, cloned from Mother Boards by descendants of Dolly the sheep.

May The Madness Begin…!!!!
The Invitation to you….The Rules & Fine Print....and this note is it.
All we really need now is some AFL.

Dumb arsed questions should be asked now.

If you send me your money make sure you send me your first round tips on time.      If you’re not playing tell me early so I can savour the moment for as long as possible.

JLP

AFL2000………The Rules and The Fine Print.

If any of you really think that you have even the remotest chance of beating JLP in AFL2000, read the following Rules.    Shortly thereafter you will resign yourself to another season of despair, disappointment and defeat at the hands of JLP in the worlds only remaining football code which has not been Murdered by murdoch.      For tipsters with a cumulative IQ as low as those reading this I would suggest maximum mental application from this point on.

1)         Tipping Deadlines and Points

In AFL2000 you must have your tips in by midday 12:00 PM (Sydney Time) on the afternoon of the first match of that round.    In most cases this will be on a Friday, but there are some weeks that the AFL, in consultation with JLP, will opt to play the first game on a Thursday, or other, evening.    Off course, JLP will not advise you of any changes to starting times or dates.      This is entirely your problem.     It will be up to you to ensure your tips are in on time.   If you do not submit your tips by the 12:00 midday deadline JLP&Co will have great pleasure in allocating you the away teams as your selections for that entire round.

AFL2000 begins with the first round of the H&A series, early March, and will end with the final whistle of the Grand Final.    Winners will be paid as per their place on our AFL2000 ladder after the Grand Final.

Points will be allocated as follows…

Win   -  2 points       Loss   -   0 points
Draw -   1 point      Picked draw -   21 points
Perfect Round – 5 bonus points.   (Perfect Rounds only score in H&A series)

Note please    WildCard point scoring rules apply when playing WildCards.
                          (for a real laugh, check out what you gotta do with wildcards.)

2)   GALLUPOLLS

By now you most of you should have realised that it is going to take Jim Phelps and the mission impossible team to beat JLP.

To further load the dice in JLP’s favour, this year I am cunningly introducing GALLUPOLLS to totally complicate the point scoring equation.     Some weeks during the year we, here in the Tally Room, may wish to reaffirm the overall low intellect of participants in AFL2000.    To this end we will, periodically, ask your opinion on a subject which may or may not necessarily be related to football.    Your opinion, however inane, will earn you two bonus points.    Those tipsters who do not respond to the GALLUPOLLS will not receive the bonus points on offer.     Deadlines for GALLUPOLLS will be the same as the deadline for tips the following week.

3)         Crystal Balls

This year each tipster will be required to submit their CrystalBall selections before the beginning of Round 6.     At that time each tipster will be generously given 100 points on the assumption that each Crystal Ball selection which they made was correct.    As the season progresses, and your own stupidity becomes increasingly obvious to all and sundry, we here in the Tally Room will take great pleasure in taking back any points for which your CrystalBall predictions were incorrect.     Your CrystalBalls will predict….

AFL  Flag Winner            5 pts
AFL  Grand Finalists            5 pts each
Top Five teams             (at end of H&A series)              5 pts each
Bottom Five teams       (at end of H&A series)            5 pts each
Team with best percentage  (“”        “”            “”    )  10 pts
Team with worst percntage  (“”            “”            “”    )   10 pts
Tipster Leading AFL2000  (at end H&A series)     5 pts
Last Tipster in AFL2000   (at end H&A series)     10 pts

4)     WildCards

If, by some celebral miracle, any of you are actually still keeping up to this point rest easy in that what follows will be beyond your comprehension.

Each tipster will be required to play ONE WildCard on EACH TEAM once, at any time during the H&A series.     Tipsters will play their Wildcards during the season in games where they are absolutely sure that the WildCarded team will win that week.   If the tipster plays the WildCard correctly, and that team wins the tipster will receive 5 points for making a correct WildCard selection.    If, however, the team loses, or draws, the unfortunate tipster will lose 5 points.

Simply put…..WildCard selections that win get you five points.   Any other result in that game is going to cost you five points.

5)    Money

This one is easy.   

$50 to play.

Already JLP has realised his error in getting involved in AFL2000.
(JLP is considering a lobotomy before the next AFL season to prevent a re-occurrence next year.)

However, till then, to simplify life here in the TallyRoom, if JLP doesn’t have your fifty smackers by end February you have missed the boat.

6)   Prizemoney

All entry monies go into the prize pool.    It appears we have 35 starters.

1^st   $625.oo
2^nd   $225.oo
3^rd    $125.oo
4^th   $100.oo
5^th   $  75.oo
6^th   $  70.oo
7^th   $  65.oo
8^th   $  60.oo
9^th   $  55.oo
10^th  $ 50.oo
last  $ 50.oo

Most correct WildCards   $250.oo
If we have less than 35 tipsters monies will be deducted from the Widcard prizemoney.

I’ll confirm that with final acceptances which will be advised sometime soon.

7)     Disputes

Hopefully most of you will feel ripped off at one or more times during the season.    When that happens you can moan to me all you like.    If I am feeling in a generous mood I may consult the executive committee which will comprise of three tipsters…… 

The man with the pentium cranium, Multivac….(Bighead, to his few friends.)
One of our bigger lost causes, TheSaint. 
The ultimate winner, JLP. 

That is about it.
If I’ve left out anything rest assured that I will consider only those things that would be beneficial to JLP.

Those amongst you who have been deprived of brains since birth may wish to ask questions on the Rules and Regulations.       JLP discourages queries.

Any tipsters asking questions will be publicly named, by me, from Rio.
JLP

Tipsters Start As Badly As They Finished In ’99.!

Much to JLP’s disappointment all tipsters managed to get their tips in on time for the first round.    This included three of us tipping from overseas….or six, if you count the three Queenslanders.    Only Stallion needed a reminder.

We had lots of tipsters running of at the mouth with their first round tips.

Don’t get caught between Michael Jackson and a bottle of white out is the advice from a bruised HollywoodHunk, who has been visiting Film Agents in Tinsel Town this past two weeks.     MoonGoon has promised to let someone else lead for a week or two at least once during the year.        RooBoys tips were accompanied by his usual chanting mantras.      JimB, in his E of many colours, jumped on the Essendon bandwagon quicker than he usually does.     (He has already forgotten that when the going gets tough, Essendon gets the hell out of there.)       The GrateNorv, as well as tipping badly tells us that Heaven has a footie field, though how in the hell He would know mystifies me.    BlueVicars tips were probably the worst.!!        His email subjected me to a sermon justifying each of his selections.

From The Tipsters Closets…..

Brownose this week turned old.      A very ordinary tipster, even in his prime, we expect his tipping to deteriorate even further this year.       Stallion is lazier than ever.    It is almost a certainty that he will be the first to miss a tipping deadline this year.     Recently retired Captain Quirk, with more hang ups than the Sydney Art Gallery, now spends all his free time scouring the Papers looking for stock.

Old habits die hard.     Blacktown Pete on a recent visit to Macman, pocketed a few of Macmans valuables whilst sipping tea with the host.    Cash Converter Stores in Sydney’s south can expect an influx of second hand Video’s and Dale Carnegie self help books in the near future.

News From The Off Season.

During the off season Chef took mans biggest plunge……..into the pool of matrimony.   Despite planning well for his honeymoon night, all went wrong.     Chef bought himself a pair of studded tiger skin underpants with which to impress his fair maiden.  However on the big night, in his haste to get in amongst the action, he inadvertently put his undies on inside out.
The resultant loss of blood, though not life threatening, deprived Chef of the ability to get an erection for the next three days.

The Ladder

It was heartening to see just how bad the tips were for the first round.       Not one of us had the vision to anticipate Friday nights dead Roo.     Three of the impatient tipsters, Stallion TheGrate Norv and Threedogs went down on a Wildcard in the first round.    Truly pathetic tips were submitted by Sharebare and Wazza.      One from eight….with total embarrassment for Sharebare only saved by a Wildcard on Essendon.    Wazza keeps the embarrassment.

In any event, it doesn’t really matter what any of you tip.   You won’t win.

Letting JLP be in charge of AFL2000, with money involved, is very much like putting Count Dracula in charge of the Bloodbank.     The result is inevitable.!!! Before bleeding you dry I would like to thank you all for your donations.

Here’s the Ladder
JLP

WildCards…..Kindergarten Level Education Required !!

I cannot believe the boneheads that are out there.      Sure, JLP can forgive Saddam, whose climb up the evolutionary ladder stalled shortly after he got up on two legs, or even friends NightOwl and Macman, whose combined IQ most certainly starts with a decimal point.

But most of the rest of you can at least eat and breathe at the same time.

So as no-one has any excuses, here is the last Wildcard lesson.    I’m gonna make it simple….concentrate Chef, Karl and the rest of you that need help !!!

You must use one Wildcard on each team once during the H&A rounds.

JLP will have great pleasure in deducting 5 points for each unused Wildcard.

How fucking hard is that…….???????        There endeth the lesson.

More Tales From The Closet.

Our binary brain Multivac recently designed a computer with which he could conduct an intelligent conversation.      Nowadays the computer, as do the rest of Multivacs friends, avoids Multivac whenever possible.

Cocomum has totally lost it.       She believes that Earth is the centre of the universe, VodkaBoy stays sober, and only sheep are allowed to shop at Woolies.    JLP has assured her that New Zealanders also frequent Woolies.

The First Gallup Poll…!!!!!

It will come as no surprise to tipsters to learn that TheGrateNorv, already a wart on the arse of AFL tipping, was deported from South Africa.      To the shame of Australian republicans, monarchists and aboriginals we have let him into Oz.            The GallupPoll question this week is…….

“What reasons would you give to Canberra Officialdom to have TheGrateNorv returned to the kraal from whence he came ??”

JLP will tabulate all responses and forward them, anonymously, to Canberra.

When you read the ladder, which will appear somewhere below when I get that far, you will note that a few tipsters are in desperate need of points.
 I’m talking about the likes of Wazzadon, whose tipping is as wide of the mark as are his two iron shots….Chef who appears to be eating his own food again and Sharebare who is finding it more difficult to cheat this year.     To assist these, and other, unfortunates we have our first easy two points of the season on offer.      Any old answer to the question above will earn tipsters two points.

The Ladder Has Some Movement.

Gangsta good at using the things that humans make best, weapons, came out with all guns blazing this weekend.       With two shrewdly placed Wildcards Gangsta has jumped to an early lead.    It won’t last  !!!! 

Enjoy it while you can Gangsta, the law of averages is hot on your trail.

YellowPeril also got lucky with his tip this week.    JLP is of the opinion that he must have rubbed a chinaman.    YellowPeril then did well to extricate himself from a sticky position thanks to two strategically placed Wildcards.

Manners are in short supply with most tipsters.       A message from an enraged Karltongue, in response to my queries regarding his blank E-mail of tips, ended with…….“It was just a test….you gigantic tool !!”    Thanks Karl !!

And also, while we are on the subject of gigantic tools, BlacktownPete, this week phoned to asked if he could put his tips in after the midday deadline.     JLP did not cave in this time.     Last time BlacktownPete tried that trick I only received his tips after the fourth game with a covering note threatening legal action if the tips were not accepted.

Wildcards are already taking their toll in AFL2000.      Three tipsters, the three leaders, have positive comments regarding Wildcards.     Another dozen or so tipsters, who have unsuccessfully tried their hand at Wildcards, are bitter and twisted in their criticism of the concept.      Their whingeing and complaining communications to the Tally Room are music to JLP’s ears.

As for those of you who have not yet used any Wildcards….JLP is pleased to advise that you are merely one round closer to an inevitable crisis.

Other than that there is not much to report.

Here in the Tally Room we have just had the usual moans and groans.

Partner has started with his annual whingeing about being disadvantaged by living in London and has asked for a twenty point bonus.    Fat Chance !!!

Hal2000 says there is a glitch in the Monash Computer and wants a reset.

Stallion is horny.     RooBoy’s tunnel vision is keeping him in the dark.

And that is about it for the week.

Submit your GallupPoll answers with your tips this week if you want the extra two points on offer.
JLP

Tipsters Queue Up To Get Rid Of TheGrateNorv.

Last week’s GallupPoll was tackled with heartening enthusiasm by all tipsters with many responding more than once to ensure deportation.      Primarily we want TheGrateNorv out of Oz simply because he is a South African.    Reason enough for JLP.        The distinctly shocker accent also got a few mentions.       As did the hygiene factor.     Social graces were not mentioned.

Running last, Sharebare wants him deported cause its one tipster less to beat.

CaptainQuirk thinks that South Africans living in South Africa are an endangered species and TheGrate  should return to boost their numbers.       Supporting that observation we had Cocomum correctly pointing out that there are already more South Africans in Oz than there are in South Africa.

BlueVicar stated the obvious…..who needs a reason.????

MoonGoon sent an editorial from The Voortrekker Times saying that South Africa doesn’t even want him back.       VodkaBoy prefers Asians.

In his defence TheGrateNorv, with more faked sincerity than an Oscar acceptance speech, claimed he loved Oz more than an American loves guns. 

Thank You All…!!   Two points each.   Once Canberra receives copies of your e-mails we can be confident that TheGrateNorv’s days in Oz are numbered.

Tipsters Slowly Understanding Wildcards.

Like acid through metal the use of Wildcards has finally sunk into the mire of grey matter that tipsters refer to as their brains.    Well Done.!!!    The asylum keepers didn’t think you’d manage it but JLP had every confidence in you all.

Had any unfortunate tipster had a Wildcard on this weekends drawn game He….She….It would have scored minus five.    Your Wildcard must win.

More Closet Talk.

On one of their rare visits to the city, Queenslanders JimB and Onya walked into a building.    You would have thought that one of ‘em would have seen it.

The world surely was not prepared for BlueVicar, who is concerned that the Church may be banned because it is too much competition for television.   BlueVicar is fighting back with his concept of drive through worship.      At 100 kilometres per hour the entire Church service can last no longer than six seconds, which is the average amount of time it takes a believer to fall asleep.

NightOwl, our trainee voyeur, prowls the streets most nights between midnight and dawn doing things for money.

HollywoodHunk has spent yet another Oscar night alone and unknown.
The pinnacle of his career to date has been a bit part in a pilot for an unbought thriller on New Zealand television.    Hunk, there’s always porn !!

The Ladder Has Its Ups And Downs !!

KingGee sent in his tips last week.     Brimming with confidence he prefixed his e-mail with the words “ these are the teams the darts hit first.”   It worked.

Speedy, voted person most likely to make people grind their teeth by three consecutive kindergarten teachers, has finally discovered he can improve his tipping simply by not putting in his tips.

That old shrewdie Duke was a bees dick away from a perfect round, and the five bonus points, this week.    Onya with a couple of well place wildcards also had a blinder.       Stallion found a bit of form and edged up the ladder.    Surprisingly, tipsters of a relatively low calibre, RooBoy, TheSaint and other Kangaroo supporters also did well.

Special mention to FastForward for her place on the ladder.     KingGee can confirm that she is almost always down lower making a grab for the woodie.

Gangsta, last weeks stand alone leader has been joined in his hideout by two other escapees from sanity, Karltongue and YellowPeril.

JimB’s tipping is a disaster.     Wazzadon is starting to settle near the bottom.

This week Sharebare is stand alone last. Don’t you just love those wildcards!!

See how badly you are going…..on the next page is the Ladder.
JLP

Tipsters Moan As Wildcards Take Their Toll.

Last Tuesday, confirming that he is a prick, a belligerent and mathematically handicapped BlacktownPete screamed down the phonelines “ You’re Cheating JLP..!!! “.      Naturally JLP ignored the outburst.    BlacktownPete, calling someone else a cheat.???      That’s like the ocean calling a river wet.

JLP emphatically denies doing a quick double check of the books to confirm that they had been doctored correctly.

While on the subject of low miserable cheats, Captain Quirk tried to use his Westcoast Wildcard for the second time this year.   No can do Quirk.

HollywoodHunk also pulled a shifty this week…no worries…it was his own.

More Closet Gossip

Less than one month into AFL2000 and already it’s too much for Partner.      Prior to an assault at the big bucks Partner has taken a week long sabbatical to Bermuda.      JLP is of the opinion that Partner, as did his ancestors before him, has just gone through the great depression, marriage, and is getting laid in the tropics to focus on his future.

Grate News For Tipsters.

JLP is delighted at the success of our first GallupPoll.      TheGrateNorv is temporarily exiting the country.       Admittedly his absence will only be for a few months, but we should all nevertheless be grateful for small mercies.

Here in the Tally Room we have received tips from TheGrateNorv for the next 8 weeks with a covering note advising he intends to return to Oz by sea.

He anticipates arriving in Oz via either Christmas Island or Ashmore Reef.

Almost Time To Rub Your CrystalBalls.

CrystalBall time is next Week.    Knowing the literacy handicap which hinders most of you I am presuming that by now you will have arranged for your Nanny, your Zoo Keeper or your Prison Guard to have read the Rules and Regulations out to you.    Having done that you will be aware that between the fifth and sixth rounds you are to provide JLP with your CrystalBall predictions.

To help the many idiots amongst us JLP will review CrystalBalls next week.

The Ladder And Its Movements.

Just so you can all see how mind boggingly bad some of your tips are JLP is kindly presenting this weeks ladder in a more comprehensive format.

There were some seriously bad exhibitions of tipping this week.   BlueVicar, finally gave into temptation and used his first Wildcard this week, Richmond.      Bad call Vicar…..you should have resisted temptation one more week.

JimB and Brownose both of whom have been giving into temptation since before they knew how to even spell the word each played three wildcards this week with poor results.

Pokemon, who measures Hair Gel by the shovel load……leaving him so slick that he is often mistaken for a wog, also took the Wildcard plunge in round four, with better results than most.        Two successful Wildcards this week have pushed Pokemon well into the top ten.

On the other side of the spectrum GirlFromMelbourne went belly up in her tipping this week.         Whilst, in other circumstances, belly up is one of GirlFromMelbournes preferred positions she acknowledges that she will need to adopt a more dominating posture to satisfy her needs in AFL2000.

Regrettably this was a good week for YellowPeril, that insect from the north, who got his Port Adelaide Wildcard home.

Ozipom, ominous to those close to her, got two from two Wildcards this week.

MoonGoon, who is using up his Wildcards faster than Chef can ruin a good meal, has little to show for his efforts.    With five from eight MoonGoon has accumulated a meagre ten points from half his Wildcards.   Not good enough!!

After four rounds there are only six tipsters who have yet to use a Wildcard.

Interestingly, the three best performers in the Wildcard comp are Karltongue, YellowPeril and Pokemon, all with three from three.    These tipsters are the ones who are presently disputing the lead.       The tipsters who have been totally useless in their application of Wildcards, Sharebare, CaptainQuirk and JimB are in conflict over the wooden spoon.

The Ladder follows below.     Hopefully most of you will be disappointed.
JLP

CrystalBalls Due This Week.    Don’t Miss Out !!

With this weeks tips you must include your CrystallBall predictions.  There will be 100 points added to each tipsters score next week on the assumption that your CrystalBall predictions are 100% accurate.    For any inaccurate predictions which you make points will be deducted at a later date.

You are required to predict the following….(take note that the teams in brackets are the CrystallBall predictions which JLP will allocate to you if you are not capable sending in your own predictions)

5 Pts Grand Final Winner            (Port Adelaide)

5 Pts Ea.            Grand Finalists            (PortAdelaide  /  Fremantle)

5 Pts Ea.            Top 5 Teams                        (PtAd / Fmtl / Wcst / Adel / Roos)

5 Pts Ea.            Bottom 5 Teams            ( Esdn / Coll / Wdogs / Syd / Melb)

10 Pts Best Percentage                (St Kilda)

10 Pts Worst Percentage                (Essendon)

5 Pts               Leading Tipster Rnd.22            (Captain Quirk)

10 Pts Last Tipster Rnd.22            (Onya)

The deadline for CrystalBalls is as with tips for round.6, midday Friday.

For those half dozen or so of you that have already sent your predictions into the Tally Room, feel free to make any changes you want before the deadline.

In fact, having had a cursory glance at the tips in so far JLP urges you all most strongly to reconsider your CrystalBall tips.   They are not good.

(Partner, West Coast for the Grand Final…..you had some happy weed..???)

….And An Exclusive Form Guide For Tipsters

JLP already knows that none of you know anything about AFL, and less about the tipsters you are up against.       So, to assist you in selecting which Tipster will be in last position after round 22 here is the TallyRoom Form Guide.

Saddam - Insane in whatever he does.        Wazzadon – Surely not.

Pokemon – Genitally preoccupied.    Duke – Will never win a tipcomp.

TheChef - Too tired…Just Married.    TheSaint - Too tired…Just Married.

Night Owl - Voyeur !!  will be too busy working the tits to win.

KingGee - Fancies himself….he’s the only one.   Stallion - Too horny.

MoonGoon - Not only on the Moon.     VodkaBoy - Raves too much.

YellowPeril - no chance,  he’s a chink.     Onya - Won’t finish last. 

ThreeDogs - Hic !!!      Partner - Resides in the wrong hemisphere.

Sharebare - A shadow of his former self.      BlacktownPete - Too ugly.

GirlFromMelbourne - Not this year.     Multivac - Not any year.

Cocomum - 10^th…if she’s lucky.    BlueVicar - Even God can’t help him.

Karltongue - Peaked too early.     Brownose - Studying the wrong things.

HollywoodHunk - No…can’t remember to tip on time.  Ozipom - Needs luck.

Gangsta - Tipping is crooked.  FastForward - Erratic…on a good day. CaptainQuirk - Highly unlikely.    JimB - Gone bad.  RooBoy – Too roo.

Macman – Will start panting halfway.     Hal2000 - An idiot  JLP – will win.

TheGrateNorv – South Efrican.  Speedy - Seedy.

The Ladder

Round 5 was a high scoring round.   The average score was 11 points.

Highlights of the round for JLP were the two insane Wildcards on Sydney from Multivac and GirlFromMelbourne which reduced their score this week to three points each.    HollywoodHunks failure to tip was also a high spot.

Most successful Wildcard Tipsters were Onya, Cocomum and Speedy each with two from two.    MoonGoon also got two...but he played four to get them.

It would appear that Stallion had a sudden rush of blood to the foreskin while compiling his tips.      His inflated score this week verifies JLP’s observation.

Sharebare, thanks to another burst of ordinary tipping, reclaimed last spot.

No doubt a good knock to the head would improve Sharebares tipping.

BlueVicar this week showed his true colours, which do not contain blue, when he turncoated on Carlton in their game against the Bombers.    The lure of the dollar again proved too much for true believers to resist.

First perfect round of AFL2000 was had this week, incredibly by one of the genuinely useless tipsters, BlacktownPete.   The five bonus points gave BlacktownPete week’s best score…..21 points and moved him into top ten territory.

From the north YellowPeril, as incidious as the chinese water torture, maintains the lead.

Tipsters under forty points take care with your Crystalballs.!!!    There is a breakaway group of tipsters starting to form at the top of the leaderboard.

To win AFL2000 you must stay within thirty points of the leader to have a realistic chance of getting into first spot at the business end of the comp.

FastForward, Partner and RooBoy are the only tipsters yet to commence using their Wildcards.      Don’t wait too much longer you three or the crisis will be all that much worse when it hits you.

MoonGoon, on the other hand has rushed headlong into a state of crisis.  Why am I not surprised..????            Twelve Wildcards in five weeks..!!!!
Amazingly he still believes that he can win AFL2000.

The Ladder follows.
JLP

All CrystalBall Predictions Lodged On Time.

We received a bland and unimaginative lot of CrystalBalls in the Tally Room.

So you can appreciate just how badly everyone has tipped JLP will include your CrystalBalls with the Ladder and Report over the next two weeks.

We will commence this week with Tipsters Top five and finalists.

Many tipsters, JLP included, would already be regretting including the Sydney Chokers in their top five selections.     Melbourne tipsters would also be weeping.

The Insanity Award will be sent out to Saddam for tipping Adelaide to win the Grand Final.    Saddam, if nothing else, tips with his prejudices.

The Stupidity Award has already been despatched to Speedy who tipped Geelong as a Grand Finalist, then neglected to include Geelong in his top five.

Christian Athletes Set The Standard.

What a fantastic week it has been for sportsmen and sportswomen of the world.        Deserving of special mention are South African cricketers, for their herculean efforts to emulate Oz legends Mark War and Shame Worn.

JLP is particularly impressed with the efforts of the worlds whiter than white ex-captain, a visionary soul who has shown that he has the ability to see into the future.      Even better, being an unselfish devout Christian, he has been happy to share his visions of tomorrow with believers who worship in the same denomination as he does.       Despite these qualities JLP has reluctantly declined the brown paper bag of rupees offered by Hansie to join AFL2000……we already have TheGrateNorv as our token South African.

The Troublemakers Stand Up To Be Counted.

Retards Karltongue and Sharebare went out of their way this week to point out to all and sundry that the top of the leader board in AFL2000 is congested with JLP’s rels.    The implication being made is that JLP has had to cheat to achieve this situation.     Admittedly JLP’s rels, some of whom have that unmistakeable Tasmanian aura around their two heads, are not mental giants.  However please note that there has been no need for JLP to bother with the hassle of cheating.     The quality of Tipsters in AFL2000 is so abysmal that you are making my relations look competent.         Blame yourselves..!!!

Note please, if your tipping does improve JLP will, off course, start to cheat.

For The Punters…Hansie’s Weather Report !!!

JLP will win AFL2000.     Gangsta will roll over to finish last.  Bet on it !!
(……….bets can be placed at Hansie’s website…  markwarndya.con  .…)

The Ladder And It’s Movements.

A high scoring week, with the average score upwards of 110.    This is largely due to the generosity of JLP in giving each tipster 100 points in anticipation of your having made CrystalBall predictions of stunning accuracy.    We in the Tally Room will have great pleasure in deducting points off your score, at a later date, if your predictions were, in fact, not stunningly accurate.

Our top ten Tipsters are within nine points of each other.    Last placed JimB is only 35 points off the lead and, believe it or not, has a reasonable chance of winning.      Not so, FastForward, who has apparently been infected with the WildCard Idiot bug….no doubt caught from MoonGoon.     Insanely using five Wildcards this week FastForward recovered her tragic tipping form of last year with an unimpressive, though not unexpected, minus score for the week.

FastForward is now in 29^th spot as she rewinds her way to the woodie.

It would appear that BlueVicar spent some quality time in the confessional this week.    His 18 points was the high score for the week.   Highly suspicious however, is the fact that RooBoy, also scored 18 points for the round.

Pokemon, Australia’s biggest user of mirrors, scored 17 for the week.

The three quiet achievers, Cocomum, Onya and Ozipom again scored well.

Stallion, making good use of time between erections, scored 13 points.

Highlight of the week for JLP, and many other tipsters, was the poor tipping by BlacktownPete.    Five Points..!!!!       This inadequate total has him falling out of the top ten faster than an internet share on todays stock market.

GirlFromMelbourne has continued going down.

Also good news, thank Confucious, the chinaman has finally lost the lead.
JLP

MoonGoon Hits The Lead….!!!!!

At the start of AFL2000 JLP recklessly assumed that MoonGoon had an IQ above double figures.      Seven rounds of AFL2000 tipping by MoonGoon have given JLP reason to reassess.

Despite repeated advice to do it slowly, MoonGoon, like a rabbit with an itchy penis, went hell for leather to finish using all his sixteen wildcards after only seven rounds.   That is about twelve rounds too early.    With nine correct out of sixteen MoonGoon has finished plus 10 points with his wildcard selections and has taken the early lead in the $250 Wildcard Comp.     Whilst there will be quite a few tipsters who will finish with a lower wildcard score…… I’m talking about the likes of JimB, Fast Forward, Multivac, Wazzadon & Co….. 10 points will not be a good enough score for MoonGoon to take the cash.

In a few weeks JLP will provide an up to date Wildcard status on each tipster.

CrystalBall Predictions……Part The Seconde

Far below we have the rest of the CrystalBall predictions lodged by tipsters.

Those unfortunates that tipped the swans in their top five will now be cringing.

Only St Kilda made it into everybodys bottom five teams.

Adelaide and PortAdelaide would have completed a trifecta in the bottom five were it not for Saddams innovative tipping.      In fact, only Saddam showed any initiative, albeit misplaced, in his CrystalBall Tips.        Still tipping with his prejudices Saddam maliciously tipped JLP to finish as last tipster.

Top tip for the coveted last possie was Sharebare, receiving a stunning nine nominations.       Responding to this piece of info an enraged Sharebare was quick to point out, through gritted teeth, that there were now nine tipsters who would definitely lose ten CrystalBall points in the foreseeable future.

JLP was shocked that there was only one tip for FastForward to finish last and comatose that five tipsters actually tipped Karltongue to win.    JLP also confesses being a little disappointed that nobody tipped BlacktownPete to finish as last tipster.

For those tipsters with no confidence in themselves JLP was the most popular tip to win AFL2000, based on the logic that JLP was best placed to cheat.

GirlFromMelbourne, with her pathetic tipping record, kindly gave Gangsta the kiss of death for us by tipping Gangsta to win AFL2000.

Ups And Downs Of The Ladder

In round seven the Sydney Swans proved, yet again, that they are the best chokers since the Boston Strangler.     This week HollywoodHunk and TheGrateNorv were the two Tipsters who felt the pain of lost Swan wildcards.

ThreeDogs tipping this week looks to have been substance induced….again !

NightOwl, who likes to hop on the favourite for a good punt, even in daylight hours, shocked himself when he went down twice this week.    His two misplaced wildcards have him dropping out of the top ten faster than mould grows on BlacktownPete.

Duke recently confided to JLP that he is only going through a bad patch and expects to come good any week now.     He regularly signs off his tips with unjustified inspirational soliloquies such as……

……..“ This is the week I start my run at the lead !!”
……..” As anticipated this is the week Duke makes his move”
……..”Live and learn miserable Tipsters the Duke is on his way to the top”

Duke…you are in Fantasyland…….please say hello to Walt Disney for us.!! Your whole tipping career has been one long bad patch.

As sure as night follows day it had to happen......YellowPeril went kamikaze.

His tips this week were loopier than a sailors knot, culminating with a especially stupid wildcard on Brisbane to give him a total of four points for the week    He is now teetering in tenth spot on his way to ground zero.

It’s looking like JimB has his heart set on getting another woodie this year.

His unrestrained wildcard abuse this year proves he is the man to beat off.

Unbeleivably RooBoy had another good round, as did mirror man Pokemon.

Onya also scored well this week staying with her other two consorts Ozipom and Cocomum in the top ten.

On the following page you can see the ladder….and on the page after that you can see the balance of the CrystalBall selections we made.
JLP

The Week It Got Ugly….!!!!!

Diabolically bad tipping by our leading pack of two weeks ago has thrown AFL2000 wide open to everyone, except probably JimB.    It was carnage.

Had JLP not been on the receiving end of the pain JLP would have very much enjoyed the footie weekend.     Lots of tipsters ran into a brick wall.

Shrewd tipsters left their wildcards in the drawer this weekend.

We had our lowest scoring week ever.     Nine tipsters finished with a minus score for the weekend.     The average score was a pathetic 3 pts.

TheSaint, who has had his hands full since Eve went into the apple business, found it all too hard this week managing to compile only one point.

Karltongue was another on the receiving end in a tough week.    He finally lost the lead and, just as good, was also forced to part with some cash.

JLP, preoccupied with getting a job as an orgasm sampler with the local mattress factory, totally lost concentration in AFL2000 finishing with a humiliating minus six.         Ozipom is now history in AFL2000.     Bitter and twisted, she maintains she was on the receiving end of bad advice.   It should be noted here that JLP emphatically disagrees with Ozipom on the basis that there is no such thing as a bad vice.

The Second GallupPoll……..JLP Needs The Points !!

As is obvious to anyone who checks out the ladder JLP is in desperate need of points after last weeks disaster of a weekend.    To partially rectify JLP’s lack of points the Tallyroom have decided on another GallupPoll this week.

We all know a little about some of our fellow tipsters and their weird habits, weird hobbies or trivial achievments….. 

….FastForward is a legendary loser.    NightOwl does it through windows.     Stallion, a bit of a sentimentalist, has a polaroid of every erection he has had over the previous decade.   Karltongue is as unhinged as a demolished door.      KingGee once hit a golfball straight.  YellowPeril has qualified as a dickhead. Speedy remains of our greater embarrassments.   ThreeDogs has a habit. BlacktownPete is a prick.   And, worst of all, TheGrateNorv is South African.

If JLP starts using adjectives such as idiotic, pathetic or moronic we all know I will be talking about Multivac or TheChef or perhaps even old friend Wazza.

But what of newcomers MoonGoon and CaptainQuirk.?   Sure, it is obvious that both of them are slow learners.    In fact, if you have not met either of them you would be excused for thinking that they both still walk on all fours.

For two much needed tipcomp points the GallupPoll question this week is..
What do CaptainQuirk and MoonGoon have in common ???? 

JLP Moves The Goalposts…….Rule Change !!

In view of the ominous changes that have occurred in the Ladder this week JLP is forced to do a bit of fine tuning to the rules to ensure a JLP victory.

The scoring system during the Finals series is now officially changed.

When the finals series start in AFL2000 point scoring will change as follows..:

For any incorrect tip during the Finals Series tipsters will LOSE 2 points.
All else remains unchanged.

Note….Chef…….I will not answer any of your dumb questions on this matter. 

Helpful Hints From The TallyRoom.

The recent unseasonally humid weather has given Sydney the ideal climate for a major flea problem.   Cats, Dogs and Sharebare should take extra care.

HollywoodHunk cannot win AFL2000.    As far as JLP is concerned he should step aside gracefully, move to New Zealand, and marry a sheep.

The Ladder That Nobody Wants To See.

Very few tipsters will be able to bear the numbers in the Ladder below.

FastForward, amazingly, was top scoring tipster for the week with 16 points.   Happily, being near the tail of the field at the start of the round, this miraculous tipping effort was not enough to move FastForward into the top ten.

Other good scores came from Macman, CaptainQuirk and Multivac with eleven points each.      Speedy fluked 10 points as did the chinaman.

BlacktownPete moved back into the top ten with his nine points.

Disasters were everywhere…..

As we have come to expect JimB finished with one of the lower scores for the week.   This week JimB excelled himself with a personal worst of minus four.  JLP was thrilled with Karltongues minus four.     Hal2000 glitched again.

It’s all too depressing……see for yourselves.
JLP

From The Mens Room………..Budget Leak !!!!!!

Peter Costmafellows, whilst bashing his schlong against the urinal to shake off those irritating last few drops, commented that there was an ulterior motive to this years legalisation of tipcomps by the dollar driven Oz government.

Pete foreshadowed that a new Get Square Tax will be introduced in Tuesdays budget whereby all tipcomp winners in calendar year 2000 will be taxed 100% of their winnings purely and simply for pissing off tipcomp organisers.

JLP welcomes and concurs with this exciting taxation innovation and hereby formally advises all Tipsters in AFL2000 that he is obliged to retain their winnings in order to keep the black economy in surplus.

Tipsters Enjoy Insulting CaptainQuirk And MoonGoon.

Not unexpectedly Tipsters rushed at the opportunity to pour insults over our deranged duo CaptainQuirk and MoonGoon.     Judging by the results of the GallupPoll we are in agreement that these two tipsters have no tipping skills, no redeeming features and are only in AFL2000 to make up the numbers.

KingGee says that they were both cloned from the same sheep.

Multivac, and many others happily point out that neither of them can win AFL2000.    Cocomum claims that they are both as ugly as BlacktownPete.

RooBoy says that their names give them away……..Goon and Quirk.

GirlFromMelbourne thinks that they both have astrological tendencies and are no doubt both (f)aries.    JLP assumes that GirlFromMelbourne can make this judgement because neither of them phone her on her 1900 number.

TheGrateNorv, lacking imagination, says neither of them are South Africans.

BlueVicar correctly points out that neither of them can use wildcards sensibly.

Speedy and Brownose both achieved new levels of obscenity with their comparisons of MoonGoon and CaptainQuirk.

Sharebare was particularly offensive by suggesting that both MoonGoon and CaptainQuirk had similarities to JLP.

Quirk says the only thing they have in common is that they are both on the receiving end of abuse from JLP and do not get the opportunity to retaliate.

MoonGoon is offended that anyone believes they have anything in common.

There were many more insulting comments….but we have made our point.

The Chopping And Changing Ladder.

This week we had our highest average score of the year, a massive 16 points.

In fact, were it not for single figure scores by regular losers Saddam, JimB, 3dogs, Duke and Sharebare we may well have had an average of over 20.

The highlight of the week for JLP was communication from Duke, late on Monday, explaining that his computer was rendered ineffectual due to his having opened an attachment clearly labelled ‘I Love You’ late last week.

Duke asked for special consideration in regard to his tips for round 9 claiming he had actually tipped a perfect round, with wildcards on all eight winning teams, giving him a score of 45 points for the week.    Yea, right Duke.

JLP almost split his face smiling as he gave Duke the away teams this week.

Five tipsters got themselves five bonus points this week with a perfect round.

VodkaBoy, on finding out he had tipped all eight winners this weekend, immediately lightened the liquor cabinet to scoff a celebratory ale.

JLP’s flabber was gasted when Speedy, of all tipsters, tipped eight from eight.

HollywoodHunk, betraying his lust for recognition, was quick to e-mail JLP this morning pointing out his perfect round this weekend.   He wanted money.

NightOwl, who lost it three weeks ago, surprised himself and got it up again.

Karltongue reclaimed the lead, no doubt temporarily, with his perfect round.

FastForward, totally useless as a tipster of anything, again finished with one of the high scores for the week to move into the top ten.     Those of us unfortunate enough to know FastForward are unanimous in believing that she is sleeping with Newsagents in order to get Mondays papers delivered to her on a Friday……or she has access to a time machine.

Our tipcomps two recently wed tipsters, Chef and Saint, who were just good friends for many years, are finding out that wedded bliss is having a negative influence on their tipping performance.     TheSaint has started his slide out of the top ten and TheChef continues to languish in mediocrity.

It looks like Onya has got herself a case of the JimB’s as she loses her grip at the top of the ladder.

Gangsta, not house trained yet, always leaves a mess behind him as can be evidenced by his sloppy tipping of the past few weeks.

The Ladder, starting to stretch out a bit, is below.
JLP

GallupPoll….Your Insults Claim Another Scalp.

As soon as you think that things couldn’t get any worse….you get bad news.

Yep, you guessed it.     TheGrateNorv is back and thriving on Oz dirt.

However, on the positive side CaptainQuirk was obviously offended by our last GallupPoll where AFL2000 Tipsters gave voice to their low opinion of him.

As a direct result CaptainQuirk has confided to JLP that after the AFL season he intends hitch up a trailer and tour Oz to rediscover himself and to get back to his roots.      This news comes as somewhat of a surprise to JLP because CaptainQuirk, sexually active since he squeezed his right hand inside his nappy, has never been more than five minutes away from his nearest root.

The Ladder, The New Leader And The Old Losers

This week we have our fifth Leader in ten weeks of AFL2000.       Speedy, as unlikely a candidate for leading anything that you could find, has jumped to the lead from fifteenth position three weeks ago.

Thanks to an ill placed Hawthorn wildcard our Gang of One, YellowPeril, put himself to the sword this week.    From first to eighth in only two weeks.

Saint and FastForward began the descent to their natural level this week as they dropped out of the top ten.     Taking their places were HollywoodHunk and Cocomum, who advises that she now has a recipe for tipping.

BlacktownPete, so ugly he blindfolds himself before he looks in the mirror, is still hovering ominously in a group just outside the top ten.

Judging by his improved scoring we can safely assume that BlueVicar is putting in some overtime in the confessional.

On the plus side, JLP spent the day joyously fending off tipsters who had placed a Wild on either Geelong or Port Adelaide.         These poor unfortunates are the ones who lost five points each while the rest of us each received a point for the drawn game.         Wonderful stuff.!!!

…..Sharebare began by pleading as though he was bleeding from the eyes and ended by a dazedly repeating “This is not fair….it’s just not fair.”

…..FastForward in a foul mouthed tirade, both imaginative and virulent, concluded by advising she was calling in the silks if she had any more than two and a half points deducted.

Other than that, all is as usual……
……..JimB is still so far from second last spot that he’s getting lonely.!!!

WildCards….How Badly Are You Going….See Below !!

Two exciting bonuses for all tipsters this week.

…..First off you get to see the first WildCard Ladder, where JimB is amazing himself by underperforming Wazzadon’s lows of last year.

…..Secondly JLP is kindly providing an updated list of Wildcards yet to be used by each tipster.    This list, agony to compile, will follow on after the Ladder.
JLP

Wildcards You Haven’t Used.

Don’t lose this list…..use it..!!!