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March 10, 1999

Hello everybody…..

Don’t lose this.       This scrappy piece of parchment is…..

…._Your intro to all those people who want to beat you in this years tipcomp.

…._The Rules that will apply.

…._Hopefully anything else that is relevant or otherwise to the tipcomp.

Firstly, if you haven’t paid by the time you get this……either pay real quick or don’t even bother reading this because you won’t be in the comp.

Secondly, I doubt that I will be able to control my language for a whole footy season, so if the word fuck pisses you off ask for your money back pronto.

Thirdly, YOU are responsible for getting your tips in on time.   There will be no reminders from us.    If you do not submit tips on time you will get the away teams for that week.

As I write this we have 25 confirmed starters.

All of the money you paid will be distributed in prizes over three competitions.

……$400.oo for the Home and Away comp.

……$150.oo for Last Man Standing comp.

……$  75.oo for the Finals comp.

We will pay first or equal first only.

In this comp second is only the first loser !!!!!

An Introduction to Yourself and Your Adversaries

Onya

Vivacious.   Elegant.    Intellectually stimulating.   Physically demanding.
All attributes which are of no use at all in winning this comp.  

TheChef

His restaurant patrons advised to have Dental Insurance.
Rugby Specialist.      Previous winner of prestigious V/access Rugga Comp. 
Likes AFL players with names like Dimitropolous.      Sweats while he cooks.

Pokemon...(aka../ HareJelly)

Childlike in his innocence but beware…..is current AFL tipcomp champ.
Has our money from last year.   Follows North Melb.   Never takes more than
30 seconds to do his weekly tips.   Takeaway food connoisseur.  

Girl From Melbourne

Has never been near Melbourne.    She picked this name to scare us.
Will feel responsible when Paul Kelly’s new knee crumbles later this year.
Has watched many hours of AFL.    Is now fashion expert in mens shorts.

KingGee...( aka../ HardYakka / HardYakkaToo)

All-round athlete.    Can hit into trouble from any point on a golf course.
Astute judge of horseflesh……Bookies send him christmas cards.

Cocomum

Cooks better than the Chef (no sweat).    Only likes people with big appetites.
Often sends food packages to destitute relatives.   Heart of gold.

Night Owl.
New to AFL…..Still thinks swans are birds.

Blacktown Pete

Petrol Head.   Buys expensive cars just to tune them.   Always going somewhere.
Will not win because will usually be too busy to submit his tips.
Richer than all of us.   Hasn’t paid his subs yet.  

JLP

Biologically incomplete.   Awaiting insertion of brain.   Despite that expects to win.
Has already spent the prizemoney.    Can be contacted in Rio if he does not win.
Lifetime ambition is to be a movie star and play the part of a condom in porno movies.

Italian Stallion...(aka../ Stallion)

Round ball addict.    Swarthy and Mediterranean.    Genitally influenced thinker.
Has huge dice hanging from his rear-view mirror.   Dubious driving skills.
Is big in banking…..where he has more creditors than Alan Bond.  

Macca

True Blue Ozzi.   Can take pain.  Hits his balls with bits of metal.
Hates Pommies.   Used to hate Kiwis till one started liking him.
Minimal AFL skills. 

Sharebare

Though astute in High Fine Ants he has no concept of AFL rises and falls.  
Is considering instructing his broker to submit his tips for him.
His honed entrepreneurial skills make Sharebare the tipster most likely to cheat.  

Macman

Weird habits….regularly sniffs his own vaporiser.   No sporting knowledge whatsoever.
Has purchased Dartboard to assist with his tipping this year.
If Macman actually wins, this tipcomp will smell fishier than a sharks fart.  

RooBoy

Though intelligent in his other interests AFL is his weak point.
His name says it all.   Lifetime Kangaboy and still not seen the light.

KarlTongue

Follows the useless BlueBoys.   This fact alone will prevent him from winning.
To compound this problem KarlTongue is an unbelievably bad judge of AFL.
When it comes to tipping he will miss his mark more than a bankrupt German !!
Once spoke at length with Greg Norman when his polaroid snapped too loud.  

TheSaint

Another tipster smitten with the Roo bug.   Roo Club Member.    Lost cause.
Collects used Wayne Carey bandages to assist with sexual fantasies.
Intends to call on help from on high to win this tipcomp.  

VodkaBoy

Experienced under age drinker.   Could sneak a drink in the middle of the Sahara.
Can be highly focused and motivated between drinks.   Trainee internet hacker.

Airbag...(..aka/ Multivac)

Binary genius.   Born with pentium cranium.  Known author of over 50% of all anti-microsoft websites.    In constant contact with Space Station Meir.
Always submits his tips in complicated encrypted algorithms.

JimB

Spent decades in Melbourne gathering data to enable him to win this.
Has been agisted in Qld since end ’98 to prepare himself for ’99 tipcomp.
On first name terms with many pokies.    Beware….nearing his peak.  

Ozipom

Mentally unstable…..likes the poms…works 2 hard…talented…. Sells Graffitti.
|Known to win at cards.    Hygiene Nut.   Will pick teams with cleanest jerseys.

WazzaDon

Dumped the Dons for the Lions in ’98, and the Lions have not recovered yet.
Pray he doesn’t follow your team this year….(Carlton would be ok Wazza !!)
Freight specialist…..hangs out in removal vans.
Beware…ex Victorian who has retained some AFL knowledge.

Partner

Is too busy to even go close to winning this.    Domiciled in european aeroplanes.
Holds numerous assets in property.    His tips will be late every second week.

Fast Forward

More used to sniffing rugga jockstraps than the AFL version.   Won’t win.
Will tip too quickly for the first six  weeks……then forget to tip for the next
three weeks due to drinking and skiing commitments.   Videophile.
Guiness record holder for longest lunch. 

The Duke

Lifetime resident of the lunatic fringe.
Has sporting skills.    School pocket billiard champ for three straight years.
Rugga man who has moved to Melbourne in preparation for this season. 

Speedy

Another pentium brain for us to contend with, and this one is faster than normal.
His four rubber bits support him and his amex-five.   Favours speed humps.

Threedogs

Late entrant.   Obviously in it for the money.   Enjoys wine straight from the barrel.
Dubious AFL knowledge.  Lives in cold climate which will further slow his thinking. 

Well…there we have us.   Good Luck to all….more importantly..have fun !!!

Scoring

Home and Away

Two points per win.      No points per losing selection.
One point per draw.    Twenty One points per picked draw.
Five bonus points if you pick all winners for that round.  

Last Man Standing

No points necessary

Finals Comp

Three points per win.
No points per losing selection

Tipping Deadlines

Home and away

Your tips must be in by 6:oo pm on the day of the first match for that round.

This will usually be Friday evening….but be careful, the AFL sometimes start their rounds on a Thursday…which will require your tips to be in earlier for that week.

In this years competition the first two rounds actually start on a Thursday so, for rounds 1 and 2 we must have your tips before 6:oo pm Thursday March.25.

Be aware that the times quoted are Sydney times.

If you e-mail your tips you must send them to David AND me.

(….david@videoaccess.com.au    …..gerd@videoaccess.com.au)

If you fax your tips please use fax number (02) 9983 0737.

If you phone your tips in…which will be a pain in the butt….call David.

Last Man Standing

You must pick one team only to win in that round.  

If your selection wins you are still standing.   If it loses you are out.

Note please that you are not allowed to pick against the same side as you picked the week before. 
(If that is too complicated to understand….call me.)

Same as Home and Away, your tip must be in by 6.oopm on the day of the first match of that round or else you will automatically get the team which is playing against the Leader of the competition at the start of that round.  

Note also that if (when) during the year all tipsters have fallen we are all automatically back in the Last Man Standing Comp. 

All tipsters who are still standing after the last Home and Away round of the competition will share the winners purse.

It would be appreciated if you could put your Last Man Standing tip in at the same time as you do your Home and Away tips.

Finals Comp

This will run from the first round of the semi finals to the Grand final.

If you can’t understand it all by the time this tiny comp starts you won’t have a chance anyway so any more clarification is not really necessary for you.

Abnormalities and Disputes

If we do have any problems in interpreting the rules a committee of three ...
(Airbag    TheSaint    JLP) will decide what is fair.
JLP

AFL…round  1

What a joke this first weekend has turned out to be.

Our LMS comp is laughable with tipsters falling faster
than the flies in a mortein ad.  

Italian Stallion Leads H&A !!!!!!!!!

This is particularly bad news.   I know this person.   There is not one bone of humility in his body.
Be warned….the stallion is a bad winner.

TheChef and his brainwave betting syndicate is down the tube a hundred bigguns…!!
Like an idiot I said yes to dishwashing duty.    Keep it up Chef….you Roo idiot !!!!

LMS got off to a great start for me when 9 of you fell with the Roos.  It seriously sucked when
Adel took me out…(D’ya feel the pain too JimB)....but..it took a turn for the better when the stupid
swans got rolled yesterday.   Only four need bother to put tips in this week.   (All rode WstCst wave)
Macca….KingGee…TheDuke…KarlTongue.

The rest of us wish you the worst.

The ladder….with me last….follows below.

12 - Italian Stallion
10 - KingGee
10 - Partner
10 - TheChef
10 - TheSaint
10 - WazzaDon
8 - Brownose
8 - JimB
8 - Macman
8 - Onya
8 - ShareBare
6 - Airbag
6 - Cocomum
6 - FastForward
6 - Girl from Melbourne
6 - Macca
6 - Pokemon
6 - Speedy
6 - The Duke
6 - Three Dogs
6 - VodkaBoy
4 - Blacktown Pete
4 - JLP
4 - KarlTongue
4 - OziPom
4 – RooBoy

AFL….Round 2

For those who pretend not to be interested I have copied below the tips for the coming week end.

A Couple of things………Blacktown Pete is on sabbatical in HongKong and has asked JLP to submit tips this w/end.     Thus, Blacktown Pete is doomed to last place after this w/end.   JLP starts his move off the bottom !!

………The Qld gang has been quiet so far this year.  Too many cane toads on the barbie up there????    The only communication we have had has been from wazzadon….who has asked us not to call him.

I knew we weren’t much fun…and wazza has confirmed it.  Thanks wazza !!

……..KingGee wanted special mention as tipster of the week last week.
He got his lastmanstanding up….(a first according to FastForward) and also fluked enough wins to get into second possie on the ladder. 

……..Most of us were pretty depressed after last weeks tipping effort.
Personally I can assure you I was more depressed than most.  

………As to our ladder….surely the Stallion cannot stay in the lead for very long.    He has his mind on too many other things.   Partner,  Wazzadon, and TheSaint also had a decent round.   Most of the rest were ok.  Though note that both  Karltongue and JLP both want to just start again.

Depending on how hard I am driven by those around me to achieve this w/end I may be in touch again over Easter.   If not, I’ll send out a ladder on Monday.

JLP

AFL….Round 3

Well….another round almost over…..more agony for some….(me!!).

This round is not over yet but these few words to keep you posted.

The Duke, claiming the “pressures of excellence” stays standing in our Lastpersonstanding comp.   He ran with Essendon this week and looked safe all the way.   Well done Duke !!!
(C’mon Duke….it is time to fuck up now and let us all back in !! )

In a week that had many many tipsters changing their tips Sharebare won.
All up it took him 13 selections to come up with his final eight…..and we only got those on the bell.

RooBoy has been tipping so bad to date that he consulted his wife, childhood sweetheart and a former mistress before submitting his tips this week.     It Worked.   He has had his best week yet.
Rumour has it that from here on in he is going to wear a dress to do his tips each week.

ThreeDogs was so pissed on Thursday when submitting tips that we received only seven picks….and two of those were Carlton.    Sadly Threedogs sobered up very quickly.   The Friday tips were the best out of all of us.

Cocomum is doing reasonably well in the tipcomp…but doesn’t care as long as those Geelong Cats keep winning.

JLP is hurting.

with one game to go this round we have four leaders  (No…I’m not going to say who you are….pricks) with Wazzadon breathing down their necks.  It looks as though  Blacktown Pete is paying dearly for letting JLP do his tipping….he is outright last.

The Ladder will be on the E for you all tomorrow evening !!

JLP

AFL….Round 3……continued

Thank the Lord that Adelaide won last nite.

The Duke and Italian Stallion share the lead spot after this round.   All should please note that the combined AFL history of these two tipsters is 6 weeks…..that is three weeks each.
Not a real big rap on the rest of us !!!

Wearing the boot is my dear friend Blacktown Pete.

All the ‘tipchangers’…..Airbag….Girl from Melbourne…and Sharebare, to give special mention to those that particularly excelled themselves, regretted their changes.  ( I could have told them they would !!)   Keep it up.

The Duke seems to have developed a bit of a hankering for Essendon, having picked them this past two weeks in the LMS comp.    The Duke still stands alone….which I for one think is being distinctly selfish when you take into account that he is also leading the H&A.  Greedy Bastard!!

ThreeDogs had the weeks best round, only missing out on the bonus 5 points by being foolish enough to pick Sydney in Melbourne.

TheChef’s  insane betting syndicate is alive 2 weeks running courtesy of another flukey week by TheSaint.   So far we’ve wagered  230 big ones to be winning $50.    Slim odds if you ask me.

KingGee The Duke and The Stallion  are being alarmingly consistent.

Airbag, KarlTongue, Fast Forward and JLP….to name a few….are being depressingly consistent.

Vodka Boy and Pokemon cannot believe their bad tipping and have started their own private race against each other.

TheChef’s latest brainwave is that we have a celebrity  tipster each week with star signs, favourite movie, favourite song………..and shit shit shit !!!    Can you believe that ???????????    

Chef…..please..!!!!         Keep your crap confined to food and tips.

Ohh....money....we had one late starter.    Brownose.   That’s $25 more.

We have decided, in view of the fact that JLP is out of the LMS comp….and placed so miserably in the H&A comp….to throw the extra $25 into the Finals money.   That makes it $100 for the Finals.    Details later….much later !!!

Ok….here’s the ladder…….

JLP

Ladder

32 - Italian Stallion
32 - The Duke
30 - KingGee
30 - TheChef
28 - JimB
28 - Partner
28 - ShareBare
28 - Three Dogs
28 - WazzaDon
26 - Brownose
26 - Macman
26 - Onya
26 - TheSaint
24 - Cocomum
24 - Girl from Melbourne
24 - KarlTongue
22 - Airbag
22 - FastForward
22 - JLP
20 - Macca
20 - OziPom
20 - Pokemon
20 - RooBoy
20 - Speedy
20 - VodkaBoy
18 - Blacktown Pete 

That's it for the week
JLP

AFL….Round 4…The Start

JLP is confident that this is the week that will see the start of a much needed change of fortune for him.   Hence, being in a positive mood, this note is delivered to you with pleasure.

This has been an interesting week for some….

In Confession Corner
……we had Brownose telling us that his nickname in the schoolyard was….you guessed it..Brownnose. ……we had Partner E us to say it was hard to tip from England.
(Correct Partner….exactly the reason you were invited to join!!)
……we had RooBoy confirming he no longer does his own tips.
(Hey Rooboy….that has been Sharebares’ caper since round 1 )
……we had Onya trying to tell us she’s always followed the Geelong pussies.
(So….why haven’t you been tipping them Onya??)

Unsavoury E-mail Comments….

From TheSaint to JLP...
...“How does it feel to be in a tipcomp where your mother is beating you??”

From RooBoy when counselled against tipping the Roos this week
“Every week is a good week to tip the Roos !!”   (Idiot !!)

From MacMan to Airbag
"Why am I beating you when you have been following AFL for twenty years..???"

From Airbag to Macman
“You are only beating me because you know nothing !!   You are ignorant!”  

From Airbag to Macman
“AFL stands for Australian Football League.   There…you know something..!!! You’re fucked now”

From TheDuke
“What’s this load of shit in the attachment.”

From JimB
“I can’t read the attachment.  It’s all Greek to me.  Good.!!
Keep sending it that way…I prefer not to read it !!” 

Gossip in the Corridors….

The big rumour from insiders has it that KingGee thinks he can win this.
We agree that KingGee has been off his food of late.   His tips get later each week.    We will report on any other suspicious developments. 

TheDuke is also slow on the tip all of a sudden.   Though this is more than likely because he is trying to locate a computer to tip from.  Since Duke went to Melbourne (in the most serious attempt of all of us to win this thing) He has tipped each week from a different E-mail address.   What’s wrong Duke.???   Your Melbourne friends trying to get rid of you as well ????

Cocomum wants to know if Sydney can swap the Swans for Geelong.

Ozipom has made it very plain that if she doesn’t start winning soon she wants her money back.
(That goes for about 20 others too Ozi !!) 

Blacktown Pete who has religiously phoned me each week to profess busyness or overseas trips and ask that I tip for him has this week phoned and abused me.   He has finally taken time out to review the ladder.   Unimpressed with last possie he has resorted to putting in his own tips.
On Wednesday, while repossessing a little old ladys toaster he gave his team of knee-cappers a smoko and actually phoned through his own tips.   Bastard.

ThreeDogs has shown no life signs since his revised tips last Friday.  We presume Threedogs is still comatose and, in view of his excellent tipping last week, are hopeful he will remain comatose at least until past the time his tips will be due this week.

Speaking of tipping on time…Congratulations…..Everyone has tipped on time every week.   Actually…..Tallyroom personell are somewhat disappointed about that.   Idiots who tip late is one of the main reasons we bother with this tipping thing.   C’mon tipsters…test us out !   (Cheer us up!!)

What we tipped…????

If you want to know who tipped what……(or what tipped who) for the coming w/end just send me an E and I’ll send you out my list.

JLP

AFL….Round 4…The Bottom

The Ladder has tightened up a little after the end of the fourth.

Blacktown Pete, our guardian of the colon, is still down there despite the fact that he took control of his own tipping.    Happily He tipped as badly as JLP could ever have dreamed of doing and we bow our heads in admiration of his dismal tipping skills.    Do not get complacent though, He has vowed to ‘get some help’ in tipping for the rest of the comp.

 "GO  SWANEES"…..from The Girl From Melbourne on hearing that the swans were either wearing boxers or going commando under their shorts last Saturday evening at the SCG.
That was the night that Sydney A beat Sydney B at the SCG.

Idiot of the week, in days gone by, would have gone to our dear friend KarlTongue more often than not.   However, TheSaint, as each week goes by is showing that he should not in any way be overestimated in calendar 1999.    Off he trots to the footy on Saturday night, holding hands with RooBoy, clutching his blue and white teddy, blissfully thinking that everything always ends up happily ever after…………as it does in heaven.     The fact that the swans supporters did not kill him is indisputable proof that there is indeed a God.

Cocomum was a bit of a surprise packet this week….12 points along with JLP.    This was enough to put her two points behind our three equal leaders,

TheChef, TheDuke and Itallion Stallion……all of whom irritate me immensely.

TheDuke, in addition to leading H&A still stands in our LMS comp.   He is not going down without a fight.   In fact he prefixed his Richmond tip last week with the words…..”in the competition reserved exclusively for me”….  Prick.!

The Stallion, who has not communicated with anything not connected to a vagina for the past eighteen months emailed the Tallyroom to say “ I like being on top”.
(Stallion……It is only with amazing self restraint that I do not list herewith my preferred positions).  

TheChef has the sulks that we didn’t take to his tipster of the week idea.

If anyone is interested in a pen-pal TheChef has asked me to let you know that his favourite group is the Spice Girls and that he is a tall dark (and swarthy) Scorpio.

Ozipom and JLP grazed with ShareBare.    We met Mrs ShareBare and agreed that such a delightful person deserves better than ShareBare.   We did find it necessary to stay till well into the morning hours before Sharebare had offered us enough distilled beverages to meet our modest social needs and allow us to drive home with confidence.

Threedogs,  whose idea of having dinner out is gnawing on a bone in between vats, had this weeks lowest score….in a week of low scores.

Macman also stumbled…..finally.    Macca dun good this week.

Oh…And the Queensland gang all took a bit of a hit.    Bloody marvellous !!!

JLP

Here’s the ladder…round 4 

40 - Italian Stallion
40 - The Duke
40 - TheChef
38 - Cocomum
36 - KingGee
36 - WazzaDon
34 - Girl from Melbourne
34 - JimB
34 - JLP
34 - Onya
34 - Partner
34 - ShareBare
32 - Airbag
32 - Brownose
32 - KarlTongue
32 - TheSaint
32 - Three Dogs
30 - Macca
30 - Macman
30 - Pokemon
28 - FastForward
28 - OziPom
28 - RooBoy
28 - VodkaBoy
26 - Speedy
24 - Blacktown Pete

AFL….Round 5…The Bottom

The Saint said that he would drop you all a line this week, with the ladder.
Like an idiot, I believed him.   After all these years I truly should have known.

TheDuke continues his amazing run.   He has admitted to amazing himself.   Though, the three year pocket billiard champ could reasonably be accused of getting a bit cocky at this point.   He prefixes his LMS tip with the words    “In TheDuke  vs  TheDuke Comp”.    He had 14 points this week.  Amazing!
More bad news is that Duke picked Adelaide in the LMS for this week, thus continuing to stand.

Karl Tongue, Sharebare and Italian Stallion also had 14 points this week.

Are we getting close to a perfect round in this comp ???   Let’s hope it’s JLP.

Wrist slashin performances were recorded this week by RooBoy and TheGirl From Melbourne  this week.  4 points each.   RooBoys effort did get him the recognition he deserves by virtue of the fact that it takes him to outright last.     Second last man Blacktown Pete is thrilled.

TheChef, whose last good idea was the garlic ice-cream after the mixed grill, has put a media ban on JLP.   Thanks Chef.  Any reason not to talk to you is a good reason !!!

As For The Ladder.....
Macca is showing signs of improved tipping.    Pokemon is doing exactly what he did last year……start like a first grader and finish like a uni student.

VodkaBoy is trying to handle three girlfriends and six relationships, and it is showing in his tipping.  

Ozipom has seen her position on the ladder and, consequently, has deemed this tipcomp a huge waste of time. 

Wazzadon E’d me to say that this comp is there to be won.  He reckons he hasn’t picked a winner, but is still right up there.    Ominous.

JimB is still ontop of Onya and is not showing any signs of moving.      Speedy and Brownose,  along with a few others are tipping ok…just not good enough to be noticed.   Airbag continues to disappoint.

TheChef is starting to think he can winnit.

Cocomum may have faltered by following the struggling Swanees as well as the cannotbebeaton Cats.    KingGee has lost confidence and is re-reading the manuals.     Fast Forward is now planning skiing trips and, as the longer luncheons of the winter months set in, can be relied upon to maintain her pathetic attempts at tipping.

TheSaint and Macman are starting to fall away after promising starts.

Worst of all The Stallion is still in the lead.   He’s getting unbearable.

Sharebare, with his 7 from 8 this week is also starting to lose friends.

There you have it…..
……and here you have the Ladder.

54 - Italian Stallion
54 - The Duke
52 - TheChef
48 - ShareBare
46 - Cocomum
46 - JimB
46 - KarlTongue
46 - KingGee
46 - WazzaDon
44 - Brownose
44 - JLP
44 - Partner
44 - TheSaint
42 - Airbag
42 - Onya
42 - Three Dogs
40 - Pokemon
38 - Girl from Melbourne
38 - Macca
38 - Macman
36 - FastForward
36 - OziPom
36 - Speedy
36 - VodkaBoy
34 - Blacktown Pete
32 - RooBoy  

AFL….Round 6…The Bottom

Last Man Standing is now truly boring.
We are about to start week 7 and The Duke won’t let anyone else play !!!
In fact, He has been playing with himself for the last five weeks now.!!
(Note though that, excluding the LMS comp, we believe that The Duke, our pocket billiard champ, has in fact been playing with himself for a considerably longer period than five weeks)  

News from our tipsters…….

News from the fairways has it that Macca is also losing it out on the course.   His handicap has dropped from 2 down to 3.   Welcome to the real world Macca !! Your golf is getting as bad as your tipping.

Wazzadon, who is involved in a tipcomp at his alleged office, kindly advised us that he submits the same tips to both tipcomps and says he is doing quite badly in the office version.      Simply said, Wazza thinks we tip like shit.

Cocomum fell off a ramp this week and it obviously effected her tipping.   Numb and delirious with ramp pain she picked Collingwood to beat the Roos to give her the worst round of this week.

Italian Stallion went into hospital for an operation at the start of the week.
JLP understands he required urgent cosmetic surgery on his penis !!      Hospitalisation has had the desired effect…….His tipping is now sick.   Joy!   Thank you Medicare.

Brownose seems to be leading a growing contingent of tipsters whose Prime Directive  seems to be to finish ahead of JLP.   Please note now that this is entirely the wrong attitude to be bringing with you.   We are not impressed.   Please also note that we have been known to carry grudges for an inordinately long period of time.

The Girl From Melbourne is still struggling.  She is pale.  Her tips are erratic!
(Privately, we believe that Airbag has knobbled her.)

Pokemon went out on the town last Saturday night.        School Dance!!
He came home late, with a smile, a phone number, and lipstick on his ear.   Distractions will set in.    He will not win the tipcomp!

We are being constantly pestered by, White Australian, an immigrant tipster, for a late start in our comp.   Whitey says he wants in no matter how low the points he is allowed in on.    Because Whitey is to AFL what a candle is to a super-nova we are mindful of the easy money on offer here and are considering Late Entrants.    Our problem is that no matter how punitive we are in the distribution of points for a late starter….Whitey would still have more points than RooBoy, who’s kamikaze tipping technique has made it difficult to dislodge him from the prized last possie.    We are considering our options.

The Ladder

This weeks scores have been way above our performances of late.   This week our competition average was 12 points.   Nine of us got 14 points.
The rest had 12’s or 10’s….except for Cocomum’s 8.
We also had our first perfect round….and the five points that go with it..!!

So…………who do you think tipped the eight from eight??????

JimB, that cunning old bastard who has more AFL history than Cazaly?   Sharebare, who now has all the AFL coaches telephones, mobiles included, monitored on an hourly basis???    Airbag who accesses the worldwide resources of Microsoft each week before he submits a tip????

Not even close !!!!
In a result that confirms what a mess this planet really is in, Ozipom tipped the perfect round this week !!       There is no justice .!!!

Ozipom is our only non Ozzie entrant.     JLP is distressed.
FastForward wants a recount.    Sharebare says she cheated.  (Sharebare would know!!)

Sadly, despite the fact that we all tipped well….The Duke leads…alone.

Ozipoms efforts should however give us all hope.…even RooBoy.

The Ladder

68 - The Duke
66 - Italian Stallion
64 - TheChef
62 - ShareBare
60 - JimB
60 - KingGee
58 - Brownose
58 - JLP
58 - Partner
58 - WazzaDon
57 - OziPom
56 - KarlTongue
54 - Airbag
54 - Cocomum
54 - Onya
54 - TheSaint
54 - Three Dogs
50 - Pokemon
50 - Speedy
48 - Blacktown Pete
48 - Girl from Melbourne
48 - Macca
48 - Macman
48 - VodkaBoy
46 - FastForward
44 - RooBoy

AFL….Round 7…The Bottom

AFL Round seven results are something that most of us should  throw deep deep in the closet with all the other skeletons….then throw away the key.

Many tipsters have lost all hope of winning…..And those are the lucky ones !!

Sharebare is traumatised.    Brownose is shitty.    TheSaint has gone pagan.
Threedogs has confirmed the only way he can deal with his bad tipping is to stay on the turps till Grand Final day.     RooBoy has suggested his wife sleep in their spare room until her tipping improves.   JimB  is changing to gin. Speedy is getting nowhere, fast.   And so it goes on.!!!!!    Oh……. we should definitely give special mention to FastForward who’s record low 2 point round is abysmal, even by her own mediocre tipping standards. 

Out of all of us only five tipsters tipped a 10 point round, or better.   Tragic!!!!

Karltongue had 8 points by Saturday arvo and managed to get to 10.     Cocomum scored 10 even though the cats got creamed.    Blacktown Pete scored 12 points!!  (JLP’s efforts in the first three rounds on Blackies behalf are really hurting Blacktown Pete now…….that should cheer us all up a bit!!)

Wazzadon scored 14 !!   Wazza contacted me for only the second time this year…..at 6AM on Monday morning asking for the ladder.   (The only other time I heard from Wazza in ’99 he told me to piss off and not stay in touch.!!)

TheChef managed to avoid his own food for a week to also come up with 14.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$…..four of you lowlife cheapskates havent paid yet!!!
It’s simple.   Pay real quick or I will have great pleasure in telling everyone all about you.   ( Oh….If you are one of the four and are ahead of JLP, TheSaint or Airbag on the ladder below we will probably have thrown you out of the comp by the time we get your money so send double or don’t bother.) 

LastManStanding is a happening thing again for all of us.
The Duke after treating this comp as his own all year very kindly picked Geelong against Fremantle in his self proclaimed Duke vs Duke comp.
We thank you Duke and invite you to take us all on next week as we go into LastManStanding version 2.

( I have intentionally hidden this fact in the middle of this report because I know you bastards don’t read this thing.    If you do not submit an LMS tip this week you will be on Adelaide this weekend. )

Pokemon has decided to cheat.      Through dubious contacts he has been invited to train with the Swans this Thursday.   As well as getting autographs, giving Plugger a few tips and stealing an AFL training ball, we understand that Pokemon expects to receive updated info from Swan executives on this weeks matches.

Airbags game plan for this tipcomp is a joke.    Five weeks ago he said he would make up one spot each week, thus assuring himself an easy victory.     To date he has dropped an average of two spots each week.   RooBoy  and Fast Forward  are both looking forward to early June by which time they expect Airbag will have consolidated last possie.

The Girl From Melbourne had a near death experience this week when she realised that she had entrusted Airbag with her tips.   It was only by judicious manipulation of her body that was she able to finally convince Airbag to submit the correct tip. 

Macman’s efforts in his biology lectures are paying off.   Cutting edge technology in miniaturisation allowed a conversation between two sperm to be taped and Macman sent me a copy……

SPERM A……“ Jeeeez…I’m getting tired.   How much further to the uterus ?”
SPERM B……”  Hang in there.   It’s a long way yet.  We’ve only just got past the tonsils !!”      

There is actually quite a bit more but, JLP is at a low ebb and is generally lacking in motivation to tell you guys anything so this is it.   The ladder follows. Most of you will be as depressed as me when you see it.
(That cheers me up. )

JLP

Ladder

78 - TheChef
74 - The Duke
72 - Italian Stallion
72 - WazzaDon
68 - JimB
68 - KingGee
66 - KarlTongue
66 - Partner
66 - ShareBare
65 - OziPom
64 - Cocomum
64 - JLP
62 - Brownose
60 - Airbag
60 - Blacktown Pete
60 - Onya
60 - TheSaint
58 - Pokemon
58 - Speedy
58 - Three Dogs
56 - Macman
56 - VodkaBoy
54 - Girl from Melbourne
54 - Macca
52 - RooBoy
48 - FastForward

AFL….Round 8…The Bottom

Well, a little over one third of the way through and this tipcomp is starting to take its toll on some of us !!!    Others seem to remain immune to the carnage.

Onya, who threw away her Toorak wardrobe of gloves, knee-lengths and furs for a slinky red thong to become the Glam Queen of the Gold Coast beaches is not bothered that her chances of winning the tipcomp are waning faster than a cloud in the Sahara.   Her social schedule remains intense.  

Vodka Boy is at that indelicate hormonal stage of his youth where winning a tipcomp is less fun than a good biffo in his weekend game.    His mood swings astonish us !!       Macman  too is showing good strength of character by not letting his miserable position on the ladder interfere with his day to day meanderings.     Brownose is happy that he looks as though he is about to overtake JLP.  Apparently, beating JLP appears to be the prime motivation for Brownose in this tipcomp.

Week 8 was very painful for some….not least of all JLP who has to bear the ignominy of having the weeks lowest score, (6 lousy points), along with other tipping wannabees like KingGee and Airbag…who is now a virtual cot-case.

Getting the bad news out of the way first….the leaders generally extended their lead over the rest of us really good tipsters.    Most alarming is that TheChef is finding AFL tipping as easy as putting the sawdust in his sausages.    He has taken to it like a Greek to Olive Oil.   He had yet another round where he tipped equal highest.   Also of concern is Wazzadons good tipping for the past four weeks.    Partner also is moving up the ladder by stealth.    Blacktown Pete is showing signs of confidence since he has assumed responsibility for his own tips.

Also, Blacktown Pete has a new E-mail address.    pjc@speedlink.com.au.   

Blacktown Pete has asked that you all please test that you have entered this address correctly in your address books by sending an e-mail directly to him under the subject heading “Why I think Blacktown Pete is such a Prick!”

TheSaint has lost all confidence.   He has advised that, until further notice, his tips are to be …”the same as TheChef !!”….not such a dumb tactic.

Cocomum has stopped purring since the Cats started playing doggo.

On the brighter side…..

FastForward has hit the reverse button in a big way this past month.   She has tipped so badly that she is six points last !!   A truly amazing accomplishment when one considers that she is tipping against RooBoy!!

Ozipom continues to find new and unexpected ways to make JLP’s life a misery….this time by consolidating her perfect round of two weeks ago and extending her lead overJLP.     Pokemon did a great job on coaching Plugger last Thursday but forgot to get the good oil for the weekend’s matches.

TheStallion has stumbled.   JimB is not making any headway on the leaders.

LastManStanding was back last round for all of us except ThreeDogs who was so pissed for so long that he forgot to submit his LMS tip.   We luvya 3D.

ThreeDogs was stuck with Adelaide against Wcst.    Nine other tipsters fell in a heap in Round 1, LMS…version2.    Sharebare  and  Cocomum were a couple of the high fliers that fell.   Off course, there were also the predictables that fell, FastForward and KarlTongue to name a couple.

Those of us that just plain went like shit last round and think that there is absolutely nothing that can cheer us up may be uplifted to hear of our esteemed dignitary of selfishness TheDuke.   This is the man who hogged the Last Man Standing competition to himself for seven weeks.   Who even wanted the LMS comp renamed to the “Duke vs Duke” comp.   Despite having no problems in getting 10 points last round Duke could not get his Last Man Standing to stand.    An LMS first round DukeDroop  has occurred.

Let us be happy for small mercies……..the ladder follows

90 - TheChef
84 - The Duke
84 - WazzaDon
80 - Italian Stallion
78 - JimB
78 - KarlTongue
78 - Partner
75 - OziPom
74 - KingGee
74 - ShareBare
72 - Blacktown Pete
72 - Cocomum
72 - TheSaint
70 - Brownose
70 - JLP
70 - Three Dogs
68 - Speedy
66 - Airbag
66 - Onya
64 - Girl from Melbourne
64 - Macca
64 - Pokemon
64 - RooBoy
64 - VodkaBoy
62 - Macman
56 - FastForward
 

AFL….Round 9…The Bottom

Basically, for all except a few of us this is another bad week !!

The ladder is now ominously stretching out.   Some of us now just cannot win.

The gap from first to last is 42…..a number which has positive connotations to Douglas Adams and other bipeds, but is only bad news for FastForward who, at 42 points behind TheChef, now looks lay down mizarre for the wooden spoon, RooBoy notwithstanding.    The weeks average score, in a high scoring week, was ten and a half.   So, if you got five winners or less, you lost ground.         Show-offs this week included Airbag, Itallion Stallion, Macman and Sharebare (who has just got to be cheating!!) with 14 points each. 

A short word on a couple of these bastards….

Macman has confessed to pummelling his head with a brick  these past few weeks with the view to making himself totally ignorant of AFL and thus return to his successful tipping form of the early rounds.   The ‘brick technique’ has been more successful than Macman had hoped.       He scored equal top points for the round, and…..bonus…..for the first time since he left his teens Macmans IQ has risen to a number greater than his age.

Sharebare took a hit on the market last week.    In fact, after stupidly  declining the opportunity of changing his Bank positions Sharebare went on to take 14000 hits.   Coincidentally, Sharebare scored 14 points this week.

Sharebare is delighted at the 14 points.    Significantly, Sharebare and his advisors are now working on the ‘Co-Relation Theory’ and are checking his vast portfolio for stocks he can sacrifice so as to win this tipcomp.

Twelve point rounds included TheDuke, who is obviously concentrating his entire tipping skills on the H&A competition while he is on sabbatical from the LMS comp.    RooBoy finally came good.    Brownose  and Macca also avoided embarrasment.     Partner, who has been tipping solidly for a month now also had 12 points.   Wazza and JimB are still right in there. 

On a social level, Blacktown Pete was amazed at the number of E’s he received elucidating on just why he is such a prick.   He actually received more E’s than there are tipsters in the comp, which he puts down to someone in his immediate family leaking the E !!!!    Some tipsters who have not had access to the e-mail system have passed on their messages to Blacktown through me…..

From Onya……
“All men are pricks…and he’s not a bigger prick than most.”

From VodkaBoy….
“He’s a trenchcoat and a prick !!”

From Ozipom……..
“Why is that prick in Hong Kong and not us !!??!!!”

From Threedogs…
“ He might be less of a prick if we castrate him. “

From Cocomum…..
”I actually thought his name already was Blactown Prick, not Blactown Pete..”

Oh !!!   And, speaking about being cocky, we must mention that denizen of the smorgasbord, TheChef.  He is glowing !!  Looking spic !!!   Leading the comp !!

Oozing confidence, TheChef has started to Brylcreem his eyebrows in an all out attempt to extend his tipping successes to a few biological successes with a cheffette or two.     Talk about being glad you are not a woman !

KingGee is one of many tipsters showing signs of desperation.   He is our first tipster to try to tip that elusive draw.   Swans V Eagles was his nomination.

TheSaint has lifted to 28 rosaries a day in a bold move to improve his tipping.

The weeks biggest loser would have to be JLP.    The only LMS dropout !! Another week where the leader creeps further ahead.         Already totally useless tipsters like Ozipom, Blacktown Pete, The Saint and Threedogs have left JLP in their wake as they climb up the tipping ladder.     Even KarlfuckingTongue is ahead ofJLP !!!!         Now things are going so bad for JLP that it looks as though Rooboy, Macca and The Girl From Melbourne are also about to overtake him.

No more Mr Nice Guy !!!!!    The time to act is NOW.

JLP has advised the AFL that I am unprepared to tip this coming weekend.

As a result The AFL have cancelled all Home and Away matches this week.

Don’t bother tipping this week !!     I am simply not interested.!!!

The ladder….as it will stand for 2 weeks, follows.

JLP

102 - TheChef
96 - The Duke
94 - Italian Stallion
94 - WazzaDon
90 - JimB
90 - Partner
88 - KarlTongue
88 - ShareBare
84 - KingGee
83 - OziPom
82 - Blacktown Pete
82 - Brownose
82 - Three Dogs
80 - Airbag
80 - Cocomum
80 - TheSaint
78 - JLP
76 - Macca
76 - Macman
76 - Onya
76 - RooBoy
76 - Speedy
74 - Girl from Melbourne
72 - Pokemon
72 - VodkaBoy
60 - FastForward 

AFL….Round 10…The Bottom

JLP is under some pressure this week to come good with the ladder because tradesmen causing dust have commandeered his computer room and JLP is having difficulty in getting under the drop sheets to do a bit of typing.

Therefore, a shortish note this week.

If you think that you did badly in round 10 you are probably correct.    The average score for the week was a tad over 8 points so, if you got four wins or less, you lost a bit of ground.    Good !!

TheChef, our current leader, is showing more signs of pressure.    An eight point round this week is a further indicator that he is on the verge of choking.

Actually, there were a heap of you on eight points this week.    Boring !!!

In fact, there is a distinct lack of imagination in the tipping habits of most of you.
Where are the risk-takers ??   The tipsters with balls ??

Karl Tongue Cocomum, Blacktown Pete, and Ozipom, four of our mentally challenged tipsters, showed this week that you need balls, not brains, to win this thing.     Between them they picked Fremantle (twice), and Carlton.   To make those idiotic selections is conclusive proof of their cerebral deficiencies.  No problem to this mob!!  These tipsters have balls.   These are the tipsters, along with JLP, who scored 10 this week. 

Spare a thought for Wazzadon.   A tipster with too many brains and not enough balls!!          He scored 4 points this week.     Two lousy wins!!   Weeks lowest score!!!!!     Till this week he thought he was a winning chance.    Even Fast Forward, our tipster from the psychiatric ward, outscored Wazza.

The last communication we had from a dazed Wazza was “I can’t believe it”.

JimB kindly eliminated himself from the LMS this week with his WestCoast selection.   My commiserations JimB.   14 tipsters now remain in LMS vers.2.

Italian Stallion wins the “you make me puke” award for the week.   This lowlife did not put in his tips till too late this week.   The first late tip of the comp.   JLP was ecstatic.    JLP enthusiastically enforced the competition fine print upon the Stallion, and gave him with the away teams for this round.

Tragically, the away teams racked up 6 wins to give The Stallion 12 points, and the best score of the week.    How fucking unjust is that.??    To rub salt into the proverbial, the fine print rules gave Stallion Carlton in the LMS.   Carlton duly went on to whip WestCoast (sorry about that JimB) and consequently The Stallion still stands in LMS.  Bastard!!    Is there no justice?

Pokemon is out with Plugger and the Swans again this Thursday evening and is determined to get the inside info for this coming weekend.    Speedy is also revving himself up for a burst at the leaders.    KingGee is still confident.

One tipster, keen to win,  who shall remain anonymous, has asked if we are open to bribes.   The short answer is yes.

Here follows the ladder after round 10.

JLP

110 - TheChef
106 - Italian Stallion
102 - The Duke
98 - JimB
98 - KarlTongue
98 - Partner
98 - WazzaDon
96 - ShareBare
93 - OziPom
92 - Blacktown Pete
92 - KingGee
90 - Brownose
90 - Cocomum
88 - Airbag
88 - JLP
88 - TheSaint
88 - Three Dogs
84 - Macca
84 - Onya
84 - RooBoy
82 - Girl from Melbourne
82 - Macman
82 - Speedy
80 - Pokemon
80 - VodkaBoy
68 - FastForward

AFL….Round 11…The Bottom 

Hello all to the half way point of the Home and Away competition.

Round 11 was as bad as the previous ten have been for most of us.

No-one tipped the draw.

The average score for the week was just under 9 points.   There were no real changes to the ladder with reasonable scores coming primarily from those tipsters who have little or no chance of winning.     Pokemon was the weeks top tipster with 13 points.    Though I cannot see Pokemon winning I should point out that this time in last years competition he was in an equally hopeless position, took the lead in the second last round, and won !!!     Also this week VodkaBoy, Macca, JLP and ThreeDogs each managed to accumulate a reasonable 11 points for the round.      The rest of you tipped like shit…!!

Special mention should be given to JimB, one of our men from the north and Speedy, revhead extrordinaire, who got the weeks low of 5 pts !!   Joy!!

Some noise from the Qld contingent this week.   Not at all phased by his spectacularly bad performance in round 11, JimB yawned and said that now that the comp was half way it was time he started trying.

Wazzadon, in response to my Brains or Balls comments last week couldn’t get to the e-mail quick enough to assure us that he has no brains.    Thanks Wazza, but you didn’t have to tell us….we knew that already.

Though still six points ahead of second possie…..and quite a few points ahead of the pack it is now obvious that TheChef has started to choke.    While watering down the milk midweek Chef had a Mediterranean brainwave.

Gambling was easy money !!!       Chef invested round about 100 hamburgers at the TAB against the Bombers.    The milk is almost transparent this week. 

Sadly, ItalianStallion remembered to put his tips in this week.

RooBoy, again exhibiting his lack of good judgment, has volunteered to change his name to Skippy.!!!

LastManStanding was an absolute joy for me this round.

Airbag    WazzaDon   GirlFromMelbourne    TheChef    TheSaint    Partner   BlacktownPete    Macca     KingGee are the nine tipsters who opted for the dogs as their LMS selection.     The more optimistic of these unfortunates actually thought that a draw would allow them to continue standing in LMS.

Wrong !! Wrong!! Wrong!!  Consider yourselves prostrate until further notice.

Four tipsters remain in LMS vers.2.   Brownose, Stallion, Speedy RooBoy.

Between them these four couldn’t tip a hat so I expect that we will all be resurrected for LastManStanding Version.3 in the next week or so.

The rest of the gossip is pretty much the norm.    Airbag continues to amaze us by actually tipping worse than he did last year.    Brownose has discarded his 11th tipping system in as many weeks.     Cocomum still likes the cats.   Partner keeps climbing the ladder.!!!   FastForward wants eleven recounts !!

TheGirlFromMelb wants more game time.     Ozipom is still beating JLP.

Blacktown Pete got excited this week and he is now an even bigger prick.

Sharebare feels that round twelve will be harder to pick than a broken nose.

In this regard JLP is pleased to assist all tipsters by disclosing my selections.         Geel    StK   Wdogs    Esdn   Adel   Wcst    Syd   Roos.

Minor renovations mean that JLP will have his computer dismantled from Friday till next Wednesday or so while he is being moved into the doghouse.    I will get at least a ladder out to you early in the week...(I hope).

Sorry late this week…..and please be patient next week.    Here is the ladder.

JLP 

Round 11

119 - TheChef
113 - Italian Stallion
109 - The Duke
107 - Partner
107 - WazzaDon
105 - KarlTongue
105 - ShareBare
103 - JimB
101 - Blacktown Pete
101 - Cocomum
101 - KingGee
100 - OziPom
99 - JLP
99 - Three Dogs
97 - Brownose
95 - Airbag
95 - Macca
95 - TheSaint
93 - Pokemon
93 - RooBoy
91 - Girl from Melbourne
91 - Onya
91 - VodkaBoy
89 - Macman
87 - Speedy
77 - FastForward

AFL….Round 13…The Bottom

Two rounds have passed since I last publicly emptied out your closets !!
Since that time we have been advised of continuing cock-ups from all sides.

The most impressive cock up would have to be that of Wazzadon.    Apropos to my Brains v Balls comments, Wazza, went the hard yards to prove he has balls…..big well functioning balls.   Mrs Wazza is with child.     Congrats !!!!      (JLP anticipates twins thus enshrining Wazza for posterity as a dickhead !!!)

Speedy, finally realising his many shortcomings as an AFL tipster applied the infamous Stallion manouvre this week by not putting in his tips.   Whilst not attaining The Stallions success Speedy did improve on his previous efforts.

The Freeo vs Tigers game had Sharebare reaching for the valium big time.
Monday morning saw a smiling, but glazed, Sharebare humming and cutting out paper tigers as he ignoredhis customers.

Cocomum finally saw the light and trashed the pussies.   Sadly this has kept her ahead of JLP on the ladder, and still in serious contention for this tipcomp.

Pokemon has had three great rounds and could become a pain in the butt !!!

TheChef’s 1999 choke is showing on the graphs here in Tally headquarters.
Our moving average of the previous five rounds has TheChef graphed as finishing a fading fifth.   

Over the years JLP has participated in many many tipcomps.   JLP will further confess to actually searching out those tipcomps with the weakest of tipsters involved so as to increase the chance of a JLP victory.   In fact JLP has met with many of the worst tipsters alive on the planet today. (Fast Forward, Airbag, ThreeDogs, KarlTongue to name but a few!!!)      Over the years JLP has seen the most abysmal of tipping efforts.      But never has JLP seen such an astonishingly bad performance of tipping as by our own Onya.  

Onya, Our maiden from north of the border, scored none from eight this week.
A truly incredible effort.       My most sincere congratulations.  

Others who were equally impressed by the zero were moved to contact the Tallyroom……

Fast Forward…….”None !!!!!!     No points this week!!  I love her !!!
ThreeDogs………” Who’s howling now ???”
TheSaint………….” We should reward that by taking off ten more points”
GirlFrom Melb…..” Not possible, only a man could tip that badly”
KarlTongue……...” I have always been scared of that happening to me”
VodkaBoy……….” Are you cheating again, Dad ??”

TheDuke has been chomping at the proverbial bit in his enthusiasm for LastManStanding Version.3 to get under way.      In LMS Version.2 only two tipsters now remain.  TheStallion and RooBoy.    We already know that Rooboy is on the Roos, again, this week.               LMS Version 3 is therefore imminent.    Duke, and other interested tipsters……Watch this space.!!

VodkaBoy and other desperate tipsters at the wrong end of the H&A ladder should be looking forward to challenging TheDuke in LMS in the near future.

The past two weeks have seen some changes start to show on the ladder.    Pokemon, courtesy of his perfect round last week is the big mover.    Partner is relentless in his slow grind to the top.   Wazza, for reasons now apparent to all, is falling away.    JimB is hanging in there.     First place is shared by the choking Chef and the erratic Italian Stallion.    The pack is bunching ten points back.                 After studying the ladder for all of two seconds JLP suggests that anyone in twentieth place or lower had better get a move on, because your chances are dimming faster than a used eveready.   Of the remainder, all have a reasonable chance.    A perfect round or two, perhaps a picked draw, and anyone of us could win….even Blacktown Pete.

Due to mental malfunction JLP has temporarily screwed up Airbags infallible AFL scoring program.  I therefore take the opportunity to present the ladder in a different format.            I hope none you can understand it !
( Note please that both Bill Gates and Airbag have now screwed up in  software supplied to JLP.)

The Ladder

First……..137 pts    - Italian Stallion, TheChef
Third……127 pts    - TheDuke, ShareBare
Fifth…….125 pts    - Partner, JimB
Seventh..124 pts    - Pokemon
Eighth…..123 pts   - Cocomum, KarlTongue, Wazzadon
Eleventh..122 pts   - Ozipom
Twelfth….121 pts   - KingGee, Blacktown Pete, JLP
Fifteenth..117 pts   - Airbag, ThreeDogs, Brownose
8teenth....115 pts   - Macca, RooBoy, TheSaint
21^st……..111 pts   - Girl From Melbourne, Macman
23^rd..…...109 pts   - VodkaBoy
24^th…….105 pts   - Speedy
25^th…….101 pts   - Onya
Woody’sSpooner – 97 pts…..FastForward

With regards, ‘cause I’m in a reasonable mood.
JLP

CHEF Gets Five As STALLION Leads On His Own   !!!!!!

Most tipsters managed to get through round 14 relatively unscathed.  

In a week where you needed six winners just to hold your position, something which JLP was unable to do, three tipsters, all deadshits, picked 7 winners to get 14 points each.   Karltongue, Sharebare  and Italian Stallion.

Even Onya managed to score 8 points this week.    Though, in her defence we should point out that she did finish equal low score for the week. 

Blacktown Pete, still a prick, felt his knees trembling Friday night as he rode Port Adelaide home by a point.   He sighed contentedly when it was all over.

Pokemon kept in touch with the leaders with his 12 point round this week.         VodkaBoys 12 point round, on the other hand, only allowed him to maintain close proximity to FastForward, GirlFromMelb and other wannabe tipsters.

Many tipsters are showing signs of growing confidence in their tipping quest…

JimB, ever casual, asks if we pay by cheque or cash.   (Rupiahs this year !!)

TheDuke says he is waiting for Duke vs Duke version.3 before he shows us his best tip.    Increasingly confident, Partner has delegated his tipping to one of his secretaries for a few weeks while he jets around the Capitals of Europe looking for a tax haven for his $400.

Ozipom, sitting pretty ontop of JLP, asked for an advance ! 

Even Brownose, who is to AFL tipping what a propeller is to interstellar travel, has made noises about winning.     And he is serious !!????!!!!

This weeks most optimistic message came from the Banana headquarters of Oz from where Wazzadon, one time confidant of Paul Keating, E-mailed us to say that he had had the slump which he had to have and was now primed to come booming home with a number of perfect rounds.   It would appear to JLP that Wazza is either e-mailing direct from Fantasyland, where he is on first name terms with Walt Disney, or that he has again taken to sending E’s with his dick in his hands.

Meantime, back in reality, TheChef having the choke he had to have, would have heard sniggering noises as the Stallion galloped past him into the lead.

Cocomum, now an avid AFL watcher, cleverly observed that the cats would win more games if they kicked straighter and got a better grip on their balls when trying to take a catch.   Thanks Coco…I’ll pass that info onto the coach!

TheSaint, now in a hopeless position, is considering a virgin sacrifice on the night of the next full moon to elevate him to the top the ladder.   JLP is safe !!

In recognition that he needed help Macman booked himself into hospital last week from where he stole a number of hospital gowns to assist with his sexual fantasies.   Whilst hospitalised the medicos confirmed to Macman that his tipping is sick.

Surprisingly both Rooboy and  Stallion are still vertical in Lastmanstanding.

Stallion with Port Adel, by one point.   Rooboy with the Roos, by two points.
(Probably all you idiot Roo supporters are hopping with glee after your escape this weekend.    Pricks !!!   As far as JLP is concerned you can all go jump.!!! )

Though the ladder is stretching out most of us should still consider ourselves some sort of chance.    If we cannot catch a jackass like the Stallion we may as well give up AFL and get our thrills by watching Wimbledon and keeping tabs on the colour of Stefi’s undies….....which must surely be a cheaper alternative than the 1900 numbers which JLP has been phoning lately.

JLP may be unable to report to you next week.  

If this proves the case you will all receive an updated ladder on Sunday evening.   If JLP can compile a report for you it will be Tues/Wed.

In the meantime….herewith the Ladder after round 14.
( Hope it depresses you !!! )

Ladder

151 - Italian Stallion
147 - TheChef
141 - ShareBare
139 - The Duke
137 - KarlTongue
137 - Partner
136 - Pokemon
135 - Cocomum
135 - JimB
133 - Blacktown Pete
133 - WazzaDon
132 - OziPom
131 - JLP
131 - KingGee
129 - Brownose
127 - Macca
127 - TheSaint
125 - Airbag
125 - Three Dogs
123 - RooBoy
121 - VodkaBoy
119 - Girl from Melbourne
119 - Macman
115 - Speedy
111 - Onya
107 - FastForward

ROOBOY Reaches New Lows !!

This year it has been pretty much the norm for JLP to start his weeks tips by selecting friday nights losing team.    This week’s Friday Tiger result however ruined any chance of a perfect round for 23 tipsters.      How does it Feel ???

This week started, and stayed, tricky for most of us.   The weeks average was only 8 points....If you picked five winners you made up two points on the field.!

RooyBoys fabulous communicative efforts give him weeks low of 2 points.

On their way to the skifields midweek Pokemon and Vodkaboy got lazy and picked seven home teams each to end up with weeks best round of 12 points.

The mob of tipsters in this competition continue to amaze JLP.    In any half way decent tipcomp you would think that Onya’s performance of zero points two weeks back would have been the highlight of the year.    Not so.   We have an impressive array of idiots in our little congregation continually redefining the limits on mediocrity.        RooBoy continues to excel !!

Friend RooBoy sent us his tip e-mail this week.!!!       It consisted of….

…. …One sentence giving his LMS selection as the Roos .

…….Two sentences of drivvle about the Roos. 

…… Five Hundred copied lines of “Go the Roos”

……and no other tips !!!!!!!!!

How Is That Possible ???       Totally forgetting your tips is understandable… ....and it does happen, as Stallion  and Speedy can confirm.     But to send in your tips, without actually putting in the tips, arguably takes a mentality too low to register on the IQ scale.        Rooboy, we pale in your shadow !!!

( Oh………..and predictably, the Roos lost so Rooboy is out of LMS !! )

Oh, on the subject of E’s, we also received an E from Karltongue this week.!!

Of the 188 words of Karltongue’s E, just in excess of 160 were the word fuck, or a variation thereof.      Finally his language skills are on the improve!!

Wazzadon, ever doubtful, pulled a surprise audit on JLP this week.    JLP managed bring the second set of books into play before Wazza could blink.

Partner has now established that Europe has run out of tax havens and has advised us that he is now en-route to the Middle East to see what he can get into behind the veil.           In the short term, his team of European secretaries continue to look after his AFL interests.

To improve his tipping Sharebare decided on a sabbatical weekend to Melbourne to become as one with his AFL roots.   He took Mrs Sharebare with him, supposedly to meet and dine with his family !!!       Sharebare’s miserable six point tipping effort this week confirms that, whatever else may have happened in Melbourne, Sharebare’s tipping is rooted !!!!

Whilst on the subject of travelling JLP understands that ThreeDogs is visiting Sydney next weekend.   I realise that, for those of us living in Sydney that it is not much time to arrange travel plans.    JLP and Co have been collared.!!

FastForward, KingGee, Ozipom  and JLP will provide the rest of you with time to evacuate by coralling ThreeDogs at Rosehill this Saturday afternoon.

Lastmanstanding is now down to one.    That greedy, selfish bastard Stallion!

Lets all hope that he slips in the saddle at the earliest opportunity.

As for the ladder, here again that greedy selfish bastard Stallion stays just ahead of the gasping Chef.   Sharebare is starting to feel the pressure.

Wazzadon looks like he’s trying to raise another effort !!       Blacktown Pete, like an alien onto Sigourney Weavers co-star, has latched onto the leaders !! TheDuke, ominously, won’t go away!!       Karltongue is losing his grip!!          Pokemon is making the second half of this tipcomp look like childs play.      Ozipom is still a contender.     Brownose is moving away from the colon.

From the ladder it should be obvious to all what tactics should be adopted to win this.   The improvers are fools and jesters like Stallion,  Brownose, Blacktown Pete and Pokemon.    On the other hand the idiot tipsters who take this thing seriously, Chef, Wazza, JLP and Sharebare, to name some of the more obvious dreamers, are falling like cement stones in a pond.

Therein lies the secret.    Tip with gay abandon……

………..JLP’s tip to win is follow Onya’s inspirational example in round 13, just two weeks ago……try and tip eight losers !!

You have 7 rounds left to achieve glory !!

Ladder

157 - Italian Stallion
155 - TheChef
148 - Pokemon
147 - ShareBare
147 - The Duke
145 - JimB
145 - WazzaDon
143 - Blacktown Pete
143 - Cocomum
143 - KarlTongue
143 - Partner
142 - OziPom
139 - Brownose
139 - JLP
137 - KingGee
135 - TheSaint
135 - Three Dogs
133 - Airbag
133 - VodkaBoy
131 - Macca
129 - Macman
127 - Girl from Melbourne
127 - Speedy
125 - RooBoy
121 - Onya
113 - FastForward

Greg Norman Tries To Qualify As Stallion Extends His Lead.!

Greg Norman, in a noble effort to qualify for late entry into our tipcomp, had an airswing at Carnoustie this week.        Whilst impressive, TheShark’s effort was not of a mediocre enough standard for our mob.   Sharebare, in the mood for a bit of hit and walk, took himself out to The Lakes Golf Course this week.   After HIS airswing Sharebare proceeded to put his next two shots into the water.       Sharebare finished with 17 strokes at the par three 15^th.

Lakes officials expect that score to remain a record in stroke competition at that hole until JimB travels south from bananaland for a recreational 18 holes.

Italian Stallion, in a display of arrogance of which JLP is truly envious, phoned and asked how many rounds were left in this years LMS comp.  
When putting in his tips Stallion said he had picked a few losers intentionally so as to give the rest of us some sort of chance in the run up to the finals.    Further, to totally humiliate us, Stallion then selected Fremantle in what was allegedly a suicidal LMS selection.     That bastard is toying with us !!!!!

Stallion picked 7 from 8 this round…14 pts….(top score)….and Freeo won !!!

Brownose is the first tipster to show documented signs of panic.   Making his  move too early Brownose tried to pick a draw this week.    (only one ????!!)

Wazzadon tipped so badly last week that we thought he had hit rock bottom.
We were wrong !!       This week he has started to dig !!
His equal low score for this round is a strong indicator that he will again ask for a recount.
JLP is getting the second set of books ready for another snap audit! 

Weeks worst tipsters were Ozipom, Speedy, BlacktownPete and Wazzadon who all outdid Onya to tie for the weeks lowest score.   Well done, all of you !! 

ThreeDogs arrived in Sydney this weekend for a few days.   Numbed with alcohol KingGee and FastForward chaperoned Threedogs through Sydneys Wineries and Distilleries but still managed to stay sober enough to stop Threedogs from stapling his lips to any wine barrels on this visit.

At this stage of the season many of you tipsters are really starting to show your dark side.   Apparently the tipcomp has turned into an ugly public armwrestle for Airbag and TheSaint who care only about beating each other.

That big hairy bastard BlacktownPete has made it obvious that he only wants JLP’s scalp…….or what little is left of it!!       FastForward is making an all out effort to finish second last…….…..which would be a personal best !!!!         TheDuke’s tipping season in other codes is over.  We are now his target!

Pokemon is seeing dollar signs!!     VodkaBoy  is after Ozipom !!

Meantime in a digital daze Speedy, who is now so slow it takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes, still has not realised that his ’99 season is over.

JimB keeps plodding along patiently, maybe too patiently, in the pack.  Behind the veil, Partner found Spice in the mid-east…..and she has a sister.

As for the Ladder…..it is starting to look ugly.    Stallion this week kicked clear of the field.    Despite the pain, JLP analyzed the ladder this week and has bad news for most of you.       If, at this stage you do not have 145 points, or more, your chances of winning the H&A are over for this year.   ( I should point out that I am being extremely generous at suggesting 145 points. )

If you want to win you will have to pick at least one perfect round, or fluke a draw or two, to catch Stallion.        If you are in the plus145 category do not raise your hopes too high.    In JLP’s eyes many of you tipsters over 145 points, such as TheChef,  Brownose, Karltongue and BlacktownPete have absolutely no chance of winning…….even if Stallion tried to lose.

See for yourself how ugly it looks…herewith, the Ladder

JLP
Oh…..to help you all this Friday night…..JLP is on Melbourne…again!!

Ladder

171 - Italian Stallion
165 - TheChef
157 - ShareBare
156 - Pokemon
155 - JimB
155 - The Duke
153 - Cocomum
153 - KarlTongue
153 - Partner
151 - JLP
151 - WazzaDon
149 - Blacktown Pete
149 - Brownose
148 - OziPom
145 - KingGee
145 - Three Dogs
145 - VodkaBoy
143 - Airbag
143 - TheSaint
139 - Macca
137 - Macman
135 - Girl from Melbourne
135 - RooBoy
133 - Speedy
129 - Onya
123 - FastForward

Saint Loses It As Stallion Gallops Away !!

Lots of news for you all to digest this week.

This week saw us total the highest combined score for the season.   You needed over 11 points just to hold your position.   Top score was 14 points, shared by Stallion, Duke, JimB, Speedy and, incredibly, Onya.   Lots of us managed 12 points.

Low score, four points, was TheSaint, who is now on his knees.

LastManStanding Version.3 kicks off for us all this weekend.   Stallion, still arrogant, intentionally picked Geelong, a guaranteed loser, this week to let us all back in.   He has confided to JLP that he expects to win the H&A and LMS without any trouble. No doubt the two kilogram packet of trenbolone recently inserted into Stallions scrotum by Anthony Cummings is influencing his logic.

BlacktownPete got himself a serious case of the kindergarten sulks after his pathetic three winner effort last week.    He phoned JLP last Monday to say the tipcomp sucks, that he has no further interest and that he was withdrawing forthwith.        JLP, already regretting having invited BlacktownPete to participate in the first place, was delighted.       Good news for us all.!!!!      The calibre of tipsters in our tipcomp was on the improve.      Sadly, our hopes were raised in vain.       BlacktownPete, again confirming that he is a prick, submitted his tips at 5:55pm Friday afternoon.

As we move towards the end of the H&A we are seeing a bit more variety in the tips.    Some with daring !!!     Some with adventure !!!      Finally we are seeing some really stupid tips.     Leading the desperation stakes was TheSaint, who acknowledged his season was over when he picked six draws this round in a calculated gamble to make an impact on our runaway Stallion.

Turning to prescription drugs this week to improve his tipping Macman shaved his head and applied four tubes of Dencorub in an attempt to ignite his solitary brain cell into activity.     We acknowledge that this manoeuvre has given Macman limited success.   For the first time in over one month he has scored above the tipcomp average for the round.     And, bonus, Macman’s glowing blistered scalp has made him more visible at night, a competitive edge which Sydneys other beggars have yet to come to grips with.

It would seem that the season is over for Ozipom.   Her blind allegiance to Hawthorn and Carlton…..(because you get good food there) has cost her.

VodkaBoy, despite an impressive effort this past month, has found his tipping form too late to win this year. The season is also over for GirlfromMelbourne who blames her exciting new job in the telecommunications industry for her poor tipping this year.    JLP is unsure about the details of this exciting job, but understands that it involves taking credit card numbers from men and women who phone her.      Airbag is now officially deflated in AFL season ’99.

KingGee is also a goner…..and has been since he moved out of the womb.

Here at tally headquarters we have heard little from RooBoy of late….which, in our opinion, is cause for celebration.     Privately JLP is of the opinion that  Rooboy, having marked his Sherrin, is still wondering which end to start at.

Pokemon and VodkaBoy have suggested that we get together a gang of us and go to watch Swans vs Roos at the SCG on Saturday Aug.7 (night).    This idea has some attraction to JLP who is particularly anxious to share some thoughts with that loathsome creature, bandageman Carey.   If there is any interest from the rest of you tipsters please advise and we will see what can be arranged.

That is all that time will permit this week.    Apologies it is so quick but JLP is very pressed for time this week.     There are only five weeks left and if any of us are to catch Stallion we will have to make our move now…..so   DO IT !!

The Ladder

First ……185  pts   Stallion
Second ….177 pts   Chef
Third……..169 pts    Duke   JimB   Sharebare
Sixth…….. 168 pts    Pokemon
Seventh….165 pts    Partner
Eighth…….163 pts   Cocomum   Karltongue   JLP
Eleventh….161 pts   Wazzadon
Twelfth……160 pts   Ozipom
13teenth….157 pts   Brownose   BlacktownPete   KingGee
16teenth….155 pts   Airbag    ThreeDogs    VodkaBoy
19teenth….149 pts   Macman
20^th………..147 pts   GirlFromMelb   Macca   Speedy   Saint
24^th………. 145 pts   RooBoy
25^th………. 143 pts   Onya
26^th………..135 pts   FastForward

Good Luck….and Goodbye
JLP 

Who Really Wants To Beat Who….JLP Reveals All !!!!

Now that we approach the serious end of the tipcomp, and most of us have realised that we cannot winnit, JLP feels that it is an opportune time to disclose a few home truths about the personal battles that are underway and the real reasons that tipsters still bother to put in their tips.

Airbag, Karltongue and TheSaint have been tipcomp adversaries dating back to pre Murdoch Sporting competitions.    They harbour a healthy dislike of each other which regularly manifests in them each self destructing.   The tipster amongst them who chokes least ends up being declared their winner.

This year the prosac enhanced version of Karltongue, will claim victory.    To further humiliate Saint and Airbag this year there is a remote chance that GirlFromMelbourne will beat one or both of them in 1999.     Should this occur JLP is confident that Saint and Airbag will fart themselves into heresy.

JimB, Wazzadon, Partner and JLP have each thrown in $20 in a private wager to see who prevails.    Partner, in his normal tradition of never having a bet unless the odds are stacked heavily in his favour, will be declared the winner if he is involved in a tied score.   The rest of us have to win outright.

KingGee cleverly involved himself only in a private little vendetta between himself FastForward and ThreeDogs.     How could he lose that ???

Ozipom, VodkaBoy Cocomum and Pokemon are also involved in a private battle between themselves, though each of them are keen to point out that beating JLP would be their optimum result.

Onya secretly desires to beat JimB.

FastForward, with less heady expectations than the rest of us, is in this tipcomp purely and simply in yet another attempt not to finish last.

Sharebare started this tipcomp as a decent sort of bloke.    Somewhere between rounds four and seven his dark side started to take over.    Fluids now drip from the corners of his mouth as he gloats about beating JLP.

Other lowlifes who are in this tipcomp only to beat JLP include Brownose BlacktownPete, Speedy, and the cologne drenched Chef.   ALL WILL FAIL!

Macman, who fully and justifiably expected to finish last is proud that he had the good fortune to find a tipcomp with FastForward as a tipster.

Strangely enough Stallion never started out anticipating beating anyone in this tipcomp except, off course FastForward.    Early in 1999 Stallion did say that he may beat JLP and…??.. Stupidly, I laughed so much I missed the rest.

RooBoy doesn’t give a shit about anything as long as the Roos win.

LastManStanding…Vers.03

We had our first round of the new LMS this week.   Predictably Macman, as in LMS versions 1 and two, failed to get past the first week.    Sharebare and VodkaBoy also faltered by choosing the Dogs against Karltongues team.

Currently 23 Tipsters remain standing and sharing $150.  (That’s $6.52 each.)

Home&Away

Things are looking forlorn in the H&A even though we had some lunatic tips in this round.        Sixteen of you again picked StKilda…the side to disappoint most in calendar ’99.       Then……almost as many of you picked Freeo  ????

TheSaint kept firm with his last or first tactic to by again tipping 6 draws.

Not to be outdone, Wazzadon proving the theological theory that God gave man one brain, one penis and only enough blood to run one at a time, let the blood rush to the wrong head as he tipped eight draws this week !!!
( We acknowledge Wazza’s zero score but do not put this particular zero in the same legendary category as Onya’s memorable zero earlier this year.) 

Meanwhile, at the business end of the tipcomp….Stallion, despite taking a breather and only picking 3 winners this week, is still 8 points clear of Chef who will not catch him.      TheDuke and Pokemon, running 3^rd and 4^th may just be within striking distance.    JimB, Sharebare and JLP still secretly think they’re a chance but the numbers are against them.      See for yourself….

The Ladder

191 - Italian Stallion
183 - TheChef
181 - The Duke
180 - Pokemon
177 - JimB
177 - ShareBare
175 - JLP
173 - KarlTongue
171 - Partner
170 - OziPom
169 - Cocomum
167 - Blacktown Pete
167 - Brownose
167 - KingGee
163 - VodkaBoy
161 - Airbag
161 - Three Dogs
161 - WazzaDon
159 - Macman
157 - Girl from Melbourne
155 - Macca
155 - RooBoy
155 - Speedy
151 - Onya
151 - TheSaint
143 - FastForward

The End Is Neigh…..Stallion In Sight Of The Winning Post !!

In another week where Stallion kept drilling nails into our respective tipcomp coffins the news just kept getting worse for JLP.    This weeks top score was 14 points.   It can’t have been all that hard…..there were six of you that did it.    The man that is ruining the competition for the rest of us, Stallion got 14.

So too did Karltongue, TheDuke, BlacktownPete, KingGee and Onya.

This weeks average is a little over ten, so if you tipped five winners or less you lost ground.     Impressively bad scores were lodged by Speedy, who didn’t get any tips in, Macca, who confessed to hoping for the underdogs this week, and TheSaint who just tipped his usual shit again this week.

Wazza’s quest to tip a draw returned him a big fat zero, for the second consecutive week.   We are wondering when Wazza will throw in the towel on this draw tipping and go for the real thing…..tipping eight losers in a week !!!

There are not many left who can catch Stallion.     TheDuke and Pokemon appear to be the only tipsters who have any chance of catching him.    Both of these tipsters have been scoring above their average this past six weeks and could justify having some hope.   But…Stallion would still have to screw up!! Chef, Sharebare, JimB, Karltongue & JLP would need some extraordinary tipping, and extraordinary results, to pull back eighteen points in three weeks.

The real action in this tipcomp is at the other end where the consistently tragic tipping of FastForward has her maintaining last position.    However, there is some chance that she will actually not finish last this year.     Speedy, in a last ditch effort at some glory has set his sights on the Wooden Spoon.   He now refuses to put any tips in so as to finish below FastForward.      Speedy,  you’ll have to do significantly worse than that to get anywhere near the deplorable tipping efforts of FastForward.      Also, in two amazing bursts of insanity TheSaint  and Wazzadon have each gone into a draw-tipping frenzy which has cost them dearly on the ladder.   Both now need to pick at least two draws just to regain their original position on the ladder.     The question is, will they continue grasping at draws, thus giving Fastforward her chance at glory…….or will they start playing fair and try to tip winners like the rest of us!

LMS Down To Seventeen.        JLP Exits……Sobbing !!

The least said about LMS this week the better.    Almost one dozen of you put Richmond in as your LMS selection this week.   JLP, barely controlling his joy, keenly advised six of you that the fine print rules prevented you from selecting Richmond in the LMS.     The grateful six changed to Dons, Roos and Lions.    Being a world class idiot and not seeing the writing on the proverbial wall JLP then selected Richmond as his LMS.           JLP is prostrate……and hurting.

The seventeen that remain are now each worth $8-82.

Other news has it that Partner, realising that he is losing in his private wager with JimB, is on his way to Oz from one of our Northern colonies to unleash his gamesmanship skills to sabotage JimB’s tipping.    JimB shud be worried!

Communications with ThreeDogs have been erratic of late.   Apparently some fool told ThreeDogs that red wine was beneficial to one’s health.   His consequent red berry addiction has the wine industry popping corks in glee!!

Many tipsters now realise that their only hope for greenbacks or glory rests on the coming finals series.    Do not get your hopes up.   JLP, in one last effort to spoil your footy tipping year, has almost completed a tipping and scoring system for the finals that is so complex that none of you will understand it let alone realise that I am cheating.     So, if you are still in the LMS, Stay There!!

You will not win the finals tipcomp…..and you cannot win the H&A tipcomp.

See for yourself…

TheLadder

205 - Italian Stallion
195 - The Duke
192 - Pokemon
191 - TheChef
189 - ShareBare
187 - JimB
187 - JLP
187 - KarlTongue
183 - Partner
182 - OziPom
181 - Blacktown Pete
181 - KingGee
177 - Brownose
177 - Cocomum
173 - VodkaBoy
171 - Airbag
171 - Macman
171 - Three Dogs
167 - Girl from Melbourne
165 - Onya
165 - RooBoy
161 - Speedy
161 - WazzaDon
159 - Macca
157 - TheSaint
153 - FastForward 

Wazzadon And Saint Fight For Spoon As Tipcomp Fizzles.

What a lame and disappointing lot of tips were submitted by tipsters this week.    Stallion picked Esdn  Wdogs  Roos  PtAd  Wcst  Carl  Brbn  Syd.     Fifteen of you then went and copied him !!!!!        Boring !!       Boring !!

That is not the way to catch the leader.    You need imagination and daring.
(Which are exactly the reasons that we are not going to catch Stallion.)

Onya, Chef and JLP managed top score of 14 points.   Nowhere near enough to have any impact on our egotistical leader who is cantering home.

Seventeen others managed 12 points.   We averaged 11 points this week, though this average is distorted towards the low side because both Wazza and Saint have continued with their unique and unsuccessful draw tipping efforts.    They scored zero and four, respectively.   Talk about desperate !!!

It is with no surprise that I advise that Wazza and Saint now find themselves sharing last spot on our ladder.    TheSaint…….who told me in March that there was no way he was going to tip like such an idiot again this year.   And Wazzadon who told us in round 5 that he was in two tipcomps this year and that ours had the weakest tipsters…..so, Wazza, if you are finishing last in our tipcomp where will you finish in the other tipcomp ??    Twelfth out of seven ??

The insult war between two of our more deranged tipsters intensifies.   After finally drawing level with Sharebare on the ladder JLP could not contain himself any longer.      This last Monday, with the dignity of a chimpanzee, JLP paraded around ShareBare loudly bellowing out the Hawks theme song.

All things considered, star status for this week, by default, must be granted to FastForward.    Despite consistent abysmal tipping, throughout AFL ’99, of a low enough standard to justify this years Wooden Spoon, our maiden with the hairy top lip finds herself soaring four points above last place and, seemingly, secure from the indignity of finishing in 26^th position this year.

Partner returned home to Oz from London, the heart of the empire, for a three week holiday last Thursday.   By Sunday afternoon he realised that none of his family nor enough of his friends had emigrated from Oz since he left Oz five years back.         Ever vigilant, Partner flew back to the UK on Monday.

Confirming that he has never washed since his birth, the colony of lice evolving in the hair on BlacktownPete’s testicles recently invented the wheel.

Cocomum has announced her retirement this September from commerce and industry.    Apparently Cocomum intends to study the AFL September finals form in preparation for an assault on Stallion next year.

Word has it that the phones continue to run hot for our GirlFromMelbourne.

JimB, anxious to lift his alcohol intake by changing from beer to spirits, caught himself a cold this week.    According to an enlightened JimB, a case of hot toddies after a case of VB will make even the most miserable flu germ happy.

LastManStanding Version.03 Down To Sixteen

Partner shrewdly selected WestCoast as his LMS, ending up as the only one to drop out of LMS this week.   In JLP’s eyes this was a particularly stupid selection by Partner for which he should be given full credit.    In a wild moment of mental instability Partner chose WestCoast this week instead of his beloved Essendon in LMS.       Essendon, his own team of 40 years standing.    Essendon….leading the comp!!    Essendon  which was playing the last placed team in the comp.         Partners brilliance has raised the payout, for those left in LMS, to a whopping $9-38 each.    Almost enough to pay departure tax on the trip to Rio !!       To collect this booty the following tipsters have two rounds left not to screw up……Airbag,  Brownose,  Onya, TheDuke, (naturally) GirlFromMelb, KarlTongue, ItalianStallion, (prick !!) BlacktownPete, (another prick!!) Cocomum, Ozipom, Rooboy, KingGee, RooBoy.   Amazingly, Saint, FastForward, and Wazza are also still standing!

For those of you that may still be interested…….here is the Ladder

217 - Italian Stallion
207 - The Duke
205 - TheChef
204 - Pokemon
201 - JLP
201 - ShareBare
199 - JimB
199 - KarlTongue
195 - Partner
194 - OziPom
193 - Blacktown Pete
193 - KingGee
189 - Brownose
189 - Cocomum
185 - VodkaBoy
183 - Airbag
183 - Three Dogs
179 - Macman
179 - Onya
177 - Girl from Melbourne
175 - RooBoy
171 - Macca
169 - Speedy
165 - FastForward
161 - TheSaint
161 - WazzaDon

FastForward, RooBoy and Macman Exposed As Cheats  !!!!!

JLP has uncovered indisputable evidence that FastForward, Macman and Rooboy have been cheating in this tipcomp.    They each scored a perfect round in the weekend just gone.    All who have been witness to the diabolical tipping of these three missing links this season will agree that there is more chance of a monkey writing Hamlet than any of them tipping a perfect round.

Between the three of them it is highly doubtful that they would know which end of a Sherrin to start at.        JLP is investigating and would like to assure all tipsters that if RooBoy, FastForward or Macman finish ahead of him in this tipcomp they will be disqualified.         We can all now rest easy !!!

GirlFromMelbourne also tipped the perfect round, as did three other tipsters, whose names escape me at the moment.     These high scores have made our average score for this week over 13 points !!!!!    Our best round this year.

So, if you tipped less than seven winners you lost ground to almost everyone.

Stallion, just to reinforce the fact that he will win, tipped seven winners.

Wazza and Saint had a few more desperates join them this week in trying to tip that elusive draw.    Employing the “No Guts No Glory” philosophy, Partner Brownose, Ozipom, Pokemon and JLP all tried for draws.     Now all of them are scraping egg off their faces in the nearest corner while wondering whether a demented tipping philosophy is really the way to go this week.

After FastForwards unexpected, dubious and yet to be officially ratified perfect round, the battle for the wooden spoon is now a full blooded war between Wazza and Saint.    Totally lacking in imagination, they both now only tip draws each week.        The fact that tipsters like RooBoy, Macman, ThreeDogs and FastForward will not finish last this year is alarming to JLP.    Who would have thought that there could be worse tipsters ???!!    Therefore, because of the ultra low quality of tipping this year we have been forced to downgrade the wooden spoon to the wooden splinter for AFL’99.

F I N A L S   R U L E S  And Tipping Requirements !!!!!

In the next few days you will receive an E re the rules for the FinalsComp.

Pay close attention to this.    It will be a bit cerebral, so very few of you will understand it.      Just to make things easy for you all please be aware that I will refuse to answer any questions on these FinalsComp rules.  

Basically speaking they are designed purely and simply to give JLP his moment of glory in AFL’99 by winning our exciting FinalsComp.and $100.oo!!

You are all invited to submit tips, off course, but it will be a waste of your time!

LastManStanding   Vers.03

More boring than watching BlacktownPetes toenails grow.    Uglier than Macca.     Sadder than Chef’s dinner date.    No-one dropped out this week!!

Round 22…………Advance Preview !!! 

JLP does not expect to be able to complete the final H&A ladder and report next Monday.      With apologies, the report will be sent towards the end of next week.   This is due in part to a short absence from Sydney by JLP.    It is more due, however, to an aversion by JLP to actually confirming to all that Stallion has won our tipcomp.    Just the thought makes me want to throw up.

See for yourself……

The Ladder

231 - Italian Stallion
222 - ShareBare
220 - JimB
219 - The Duke
217 - TheChef
215 - JLP
214 - KingGee
214 - Pokemon
213 - KarlTongue
209 - Partner
208 - OziPom
205 - Blacktown Pete
201 - Brownose
201 - Cocomum
200 - Macman
198 - Girl from Melbourne
197 - VodkaBoy
196 - RooBoy
195 - Airbag
193 - Onya
193 - Three Dogs
186 - FastForward
175 - Macca
175 - Speedy
161 - TheSaint
161 - WazzaDon
 

JLP Jaundiced and Jaded as JimB’s Jaunt Jolts Jupiters…. !!!

JLP accepted an invitation to join JimB in Qld last week.     Never Again !!!

What began as a casual two days of hit and giggle on the golf course ended up as JimB’s well orchestrated commando raid on Jupiters Casino.    JimB led by example by putting in 21 straight hours at the Carribean Stud tables.   Onya played flank and took out the pokies while Partner and Miss Partner handled the skirmishes in the Two-Up room and on the roulette tables until they got too horny.   JLP stayed close to JimB all night playing drinks waiter, gambling like a man demented, and counting all the money.     With adrenalin surging JLP forgot to sleep, something which people in Queensland seem to have no need for.       Suffering from serious alcohol abuse, sleep deprivation, gamblers euphoria and singing Glen Campbell’s “From A Jack To A King” JLP boarded the aircraft in Queensland enlightened, enriched and in pieces.

Crystal Ball Predictions Due By Friday……6 : 00  PM !!!!! 

To make it understandable for most of you….CrystalBall tips to be as follows..

GrandFinal Winner………

GrandFinalist…………….

GrandFinalist…………….

FirstTeam Out……………

Second Team Out……….

LeadingTipster 20^th Sept…

LastTipster 20^th Sept…….

First Weeks FinalsTipcomp Tips Due By Friday….As Above

There are four games this weekend.

You are to tip the leaders (or ties) at half time and full time in each game.

( Now that wasn’t too hard, was it ???)

On the subject of the Finals Tipcomp….JLP will come good with a ladder by e-mail fairly soon after each round.     JLP will also E out to each of you a list of all our CrystallBall Predictions on Friday after all predictions are received.

There will probably be no further written ‘tipcomp reports’ until after the Grand Final week at which time I shall compile the years last report so as to advise you of how many points I have won by. 

LastManStanding Pays A Miserable $ 9.38..The Winners Are…

The horde of prize winners in LastmanStanding Version.03 are….

Airbag    Wazzadon    Brownose    Saint    GirlFromMelb   VodkaBoy    Karltongue    ItalianStallion    Cocomum    FastForward    Ozipom    JimB    RooBoy    TheDuke    KingGee    Onya.    This represents more than half our tipsters.    Speaking on behalf of those of us that have fallen by the wayside three times this year JLP chokes as he congratulates the winners.

Rubbery cheques will be on the way after the finals series. 

Stallion Canters Home In H&A !!

Well….we all know who has won.   Before actually going through the agony of actually writing the fact down……a few quick points of no interest whatsoever.

Our tipcomp winner picked 121 winners…four better than MonashComputer.

The average score for our H&A tipcomp was 209 points.

Perfect Rounds were scored this year by Ozipom, Pokemon, FastForward, Onya, Macman, GirlFromMelbourne, JimB, RooBoy, Sharebare and KingGee.

Most memorable tipping round has to be Onya and her infamous 0 from 8 !!

Stallion is an arshole for ruining this tipcomp for so many people by winning !!

Karltongue could have won if he had not blindly followed Carlton every week this year.    This is precisely the same reason that he will not win FinalsComp.

No-one successfully tipped any draws, though Wazza and Saint tried hard.!!

Stallion took the lead in round two and from there on stayed in the first four places despite strong challenges from Duke, Chef, Sharebare & JimB.

(Blacktown Pete and RooBoy were equal last in the fourth round.)

Last placed Wazzadon, after eight rounds was only six points off the lead.

Last placed Saint never at any stage got close to the lead.

Chef, who JLP tipped as finishing a fading fifth, held down first possie for more weeks than Stallion…..though not the week that counted !!!

GirlFromMelbourne and Macman finished ahead of Airbag in the tipcomp, something from which Airbag may never recover.   Saint is composing an E for broadcast to internet search engines worldwide even as I write this.

Ozipom, Brownose, Partner, Chef, Pokemon JimB...even Wazzadon and Saint deserve special congrats for interesting variety in their tipping over the last few rounds in their vain and forlorn efforts to catch Stallion.

Thanks to All Tipsters for putting in your tips.   Through the year there were less than ten times where tipsters failed to put in their tips.   Appreciated.

Ok….Ok….I’ll say it    Stallion has won !!!  (JLP’s worst fears are realised.!! )

Congratulations Stallion !!      You played hard, tipped strong and dun good !!!

To prove it to you all……..here is……

The Ladder

1^st….243 points     ItalianStallion
2^nd…234 points      Sharebare
3^rd…232 points      JimB
4^th…227 points      TheDuke
5^th…225 points      TheChef    JLP
7^th…224 points      Pokemon    KingGee
9^th…223 points      Karltongue
10^th.219 points      Partner
11^th.218 points      Ozipom
12^th.213 points      Cocomum
13^th.211 points      BlacktownPete
14^th.210 points      Macman
15^th.209 points      VodkaBoy
16^th.208 points      GirlFromMelbourne
17^th.207 points      Brownose
18^th.206 points      RooBoy
19^th.205 points      Onya    Airbag
21st.201 points     ThreeDogs
22nd.198 points     FastForward
23rd.181 points     Speedy    Macca
Last.161 points     TheSaint    Wazzadon

FinalsComp....Rules..Regulations..Scoring…And…PAYBACK ! 

Rules……

…….As with Home&Away, your tips must be in by 6:00 pm Friday.

(That’s Sydney time there…..Partner)

……During the Finals Series there may be games that are tied after 4 quarters of football.     FinalsComp will declare results based on the score after the 4 quarters…….not after any extra time !!!!

……During the SemiFinal Series there will be weeks with either 2 or 4 games.

This is how you must tip in each of those weeks…..

4 Game Weeks

In weeks where there are 4 games you must make two tips for each game.

Half Time…….Leader or draw.
Full Time…….Winner or draw

2 Game Weeks

In weeks where there are 2 games you must make four tips for each game.

Ist Qtr………Leader or draw
2^nd Qtr……...Leader or draw
3^rd Qtr……...Leader or draw
Full Time…..Leader or draw

Grand Final Week

In Grand Final Week you must also make four tips for the game.

1^st Qtr………Leader or draw
2^nd Qtr……...Leader or draw
3^rd Qtr………Leader or draw
Full Time…..Leader or draw 

Free Points For Correct Predictions..….or suffer PAYBACK !!

You will each begin the FinalsComp with 35 points on the basis that you can tip the following correctly.    If you do, you get to keep the 35 points.

If any of your predictions are incorrect we will deduct points accordingly

Before Friday Sept.3……6:00 pm

……….you must each consult your Crystal Ball and predict the following…

5 points………...Grand Final Winner
5 points each….Grand Finalists
5 points each…..First two teams to be eliminated…….
5 points ……Which tipster will be leading Finalscomp the Monday before the       Grand Final.
5 points……. Which tipster will be last in Finalscomp the Monday before the       Grand Final.

Scoring………positives

….Each tipster will be given 35 payback points at the start of the first round in anticipation that their Crystal Ball predictions are 100% accurate. 

….Each tipster will receive points for correct tips as follows….

Correct 1^st Qtr tip……....2 points ( excluding draws)
Correct Half Time tip.….2 points (             “”””           )
Correct 3^rd Qtr tip………2 points (            “”””           )
Correct Full Time tip.…..5 points (             “”””           )
Any correct draw tip……9 points 

Scoring………negatives

Each tipster will have payback points deducted when it becomes evident that their crystal ball predictions cannot eventuate.

No bonus will apply for perfect rounds.

Submitting Tips….

It would be appreciated if tipsters used an E-mail or fax to submit tips during the FinalsComp and for their Crystal Ball predictions.

Any tipsters who do not submit tips, or submit tips late, will receive the tips of the following tipsters

1^st Quarter…….Ozipom….…….Cocomum
HalfTime………FastForward………Airbag
3^rd Qtr…………Onya……………...Rooboy
FullTime………Macman………ThreeDogs 

The Winner Will Be….

The tipster with the most points after the Grand Final has been played…(JLP.)

Eat my dust
JLP

 
Crystal Balls Reveal Tipsters True Colours !!

As anticipated, some of the Crystal Ball tips which were submitted were exceptionally bad…..and there were one or two that were downright offensive.

Cocomum is confident about winning Finalscomp and is considering hosting a gathering to celebrate.    VodkaBoy, the Gathering King is advising Coco.

Probably the most depressing thing about the Crystals were the seven tipsters who backed Stallion to be leading going into the Final week.    Seven tipsters have each thrown away five points.       ItalianStallion is an AFL idiot.!!!!         I have been telling you that all year!!!      It is to our shame that he won H&A!! His flukey and unexpected H&A tipcomp win will never ever be repeated.

JimB, that shrewd and cunning old bastard, also has a few tipsters who think he can win.           JLP was also tipped more than once…..(thanks, Mum !!)

In a characteristically vicious attack on JLP Karltongue named JLP as the losing tipster in the week before GrandFinal.     Foolish and petty, Karl !! Though, in his defence,it should be said that KarlTongue did have a reality attack and decide not to tip Carlton as this years Premiership winner.    Now all Karl has to do is intensive rehabilitation work on the rest of his tipping.

Sharebare and his percentage followers tended to back themselves to win with a good variety of choices for last.     All obvious ones….Macca….Speedy …..FastForward....Airbag….ThreeDogs…..Wazzadon….Saint….etc etc!!

Most popular tipster for last possie was TheSaint who found favour with six tipsters, an impressive effort.    And it needed to be, FastForward has 5 !!

Recently ThreeDogs created a new cocktail by diluting Port with Brandy… …….using schooners as measuring cups.     No doubt ThreeDogs was testing the brew when he put together his crystal balls.    Check ‘em out.     Port Adelaide to win the premiership!!!        Port Adelaide !!????!!! 
In JLP’s opinion  ThreeDogs loyalty and devotion to Port Adelaide is similar to what has made Lemmings the great and intelligent species that they are!!

Ensuring that he has all bases covered Speedy shrewdly tipped himself as both leading and losing tipster for Finalscomp.

Sharebare agonised all week as wether or not to put JLP as the losing tipster for Finalscomp.    Commonsense, and the desperate need of 5 valuable Finascomp points, prevailed at the last moment when he realised that FastForward  was an infinitely worse tipster than JLP and most other bipeds.

Shock….Horror…..Macman was only tipped once .. and then not as losing tipster, as we could realistically have expected, but as the Leading tipster.??

Not surprising nobody, except himself, tipped that prick BlacktownPete for anything !!

Chef Hits The Lead Then Chokes In First FinalsComp Round !!

Predicably, TheChef moved to an early lead in FinalsComp by tipping WestCoast for the half and full time lead in Fridays game.   Same boring start as our HomeAndAway Comp!!       Equally predictably Chef will collapse into a jibbering heap by the end of Sept…!!!!           Already, at only the end of FinalsRound One, Chef has slipped to 2^nd.       GirlFromMelbourne, whose part time phone work is booming, has surprisingly taken the FinalsComp lead.  
(And, yes to all those who are asking if I have double-checked the additions !!)

JLP is concerned that, with the sniff of a hundred big ones almost within her reach, GirlFromMelbourne may be a little more difficult to catch than Chef. 

Pokemon, Partner, Wazza, VodkaBoy, Brownose and a throng of other tipsters are only a few points off the pace in pursuit of our leader.   At the other end of the FinalsLadder Macca and Threedogs are already in pitch battle for the Wooden Spoon though it should be said that even though it is only week one Airbag, Macman  and Speedy are also looking a little sick.

Stallion has already dropped off the pace.    Ozipom’s chances of winning Finalscomp will improve only if she stops tipping Carlton, where she still believes the food is salmonella free.

This Weeks Matches…..And How To Tip !!!

There are only two games this weekend in this amazingly stupid finals format which has been conjured up by the AFL.    This means that you are required to tip the leader at Quarter, Half, ThreeQuarter and Full time in each game.

The Ladder…….And How To Read It.

Below is the Ladder.    To save me on phone calls….herewith a quick guide…

We each received 35 points in anticipation that we each made seven correct selections when compiling our CrystalBalls.     These points are in the first Column which is cleverly headed Crystal Ball Points.

The second column is the points which our tips earned us this week…. …...please bear in mind that two points are on offer for each quarter or halftime leader, and FIVE points are scored for the correct full time leader.

The third column is Payback of incorrect CrystalBall predictions. 

This week the Payback column takes points off each tipster who incorrectly tipped the first two teams to be eliminated.    Therefore, if you did not pick Sydney and Port Adelaide as the first two teams out you lose 5 points for each incorrect selection.    (Biggest Payback contributer this week is ThreeDogs who is the only tipster to manage to lose 10 points.)

So…..here it is…

Saint And KingGee Score 22….But Partner Powers To Lead !!

Sad eyed Sharebare forlornly, holding false hope, asked this morning if any of the old guard were near the lead in Finalscomp.      Happily, not one of the Home&Away leaders is anywhere near the lead in our last 1999 competition. 

Tipsters with no hope of winning, such as BlacktownPete, GirlfromMelb, Wazzadon and KingGee are cluttering up the leader board.       TheChef has choked already.     The battle for the wooden spoon looks like a two man war between Macman and Airbag…..though I would point out that when it comes to AFL tipping it is easy to over-estimate the likes of Karltongue, ThreeDogs, Speedy, FastForward and Co.

Four tipsters had the vision to tip a perfect round this week.   It is very satisfying to JLP that there are no bonus points on offer for this achievement. 

KingGee, phoning through from the snowfields, sacrificing valuable skiing, drinking and screwing time to put in his tips, made the effort worthwhile by tipping the perfect round.                    Partner, fresh from viewing the AFL, and other, talent in Oz, returned to England and was reminded by his bank manager how much he needed the hundred bucks on offer in Finalscomp.      With minimal application he tipped the perfect round.       His 22 points have taken him to the lead at the halfway point in our end of year sprint.

Almost giving credibility to biblical meanderings…..and……Almost realising Bob Dylans prophesy that the last will one day be first TheSaint tipped a perfect round this week.    Saint has rocketed from the ranks of mediocrity to being very much a contender in Finalscomp.    This has actually brought out the satanic side of our halo’d one who is even now in the process of compiling insulting and vindictive e-mails to all those who tipped him as last tipster in our CrystalBall Predictions.        Macca, who is so cheap he catches trains in peak hour when he wants his suit pressed, also got himself 22 points.

Reprieve For All…..PAYBACK Deferred Till Next Week !!!

Next week JLP will be calling in payback points from everyone.    Veterans, like TheDuke, who have played these sick games before, will be prepared for the shock…(….Duke….you’re down the tube at least 15 points, maybe 20 !!!)  Others, happily, will be totally surprised and caught off-guard.   The ladder will change dramatically.

FinalsComp Winner Could Be YOU   !!!

With the exception of only a few tipsters anyone could win Finalscomp, so don’t despair if you only have 60 or so points.   (Duke, Macman and Airbag may despair at this point !!!).    Depending upon your CrystalBalls, and your tips over the last two weeks, off course, just about any of us could win.

Then…..After Brisbane beat the Roos next week…..there will be few.!!!

So……..consider carefully…...Grit your teeth…..Squeeze shut your eyes… …..Do it for England………Put some imagination into your tips..!!!!

Here’s the Ladder